He Can Never Truly Be Yours(rewrite)
by Kimmimaru
Summary: **REWRITE**Sirius would do anything for James Potter, he would watch the world burn if it meant that he was happy, but can he handle James' slowly budding relationship with Lily Evans on top of fighting a war? When the unthinkable happens Sirius pushes his knowledge of Magic to another level, just to see his best friend again. AU. (Pairings: SB/JP and JP/LE)
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Hi, long time no see my fellow Sirius/James shippers! I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot lately but my life is just everywhere and I rarely have time to write. I am re-writing this fic because, after re-reading the original I realised it was pretty awful and needed serious sorting out. I hope you enjoy this one better, thanks._

He Can Never Truly Be Yours

(Re-write)

Hidden in the shadows he could see everything, he could see his hands curled above her waist, he could see the tension in his fingers as they tightened on her robes and he could see the small, satisfied grin on his lips even as they kissed. Sirius watched and absorbed the searing agony that came with seeing his best friend wrapped around another. Slowly he released his pent up breath in a near-silent sigh, he turned away, shutting the scene from his sight by closing his eyes as he moved away from the kissing couple. He should have seen it coming, after all, they had been dancing around each other for years now, it was inevitable but perhaps he was far more stupid than his parents said he was, perhaps he had allowed his love to blind himself to the facts. James Potter was in love with Lily Evans, there was no room in his heart for two people.

XXX

It had begun the year before, Sirius and James had been drinking alone in the Potter's house and enjoying the laughter and friendly company when they had somehow got onto the subject of romance.

"So, where's Moony tonight? Didn't you invite him?" Sirius asked James as he carefully poured himself another glass of firewhiskey.

"Yeah, I invited the little bastard but he said he had a date so he couldn't make it." James replied sulkily. "I feel like i'm the only one who isn't getting laid! It's a sad place to be, man."

"What about Pete? Surely he-"

James snorted, cutting Sirius off mid sentence and sending him a devious smirk that sent Sirius' heart into overdrive. "You remember that time we had that sleep over?"

Sirius smiled reminiscently, leaning back against the sofa on which he lay as he ran a finger around the lip of his glass. "Ah yes, the night we turned Peter into a squirrel. That was good, that was."

"Yeah, well, his mother decided we were a bad influence on her poor son and decided it was best we never see him. Just goes to show how much she knows him, I doubt he's even told her we share a dorm, poor bloke."

"That's what happens when you molly coddle people, they try and break free. Peter's obviously feeling stifled by her and is doing everything he can to keep her at a distance. Ah well, at least she gives a shit." Sirius' face fell into a brooding frown as he gazed darkly into the flickering flames in the fire place, James watched him for a moment, the light and shadows dancing over his handsome features. After a second or so he shook himself mentally and sat forward, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder and squeezing briefly before releasing him.

"It's all right, Sirius, you know you can talk to me, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm just...not ready yet." Sirius turned his head and smiled softly at his best friend. "Just know that i'm grateful to you for taking me in."

"I'd do it all over again, you know that." James replied softly, returning Sirius' smile before downing his drink and refilling Sirius' glass. "Hey, did you hear that Lily broke up with that Stan bloke?" He said, trying and failing to sound casual. Sirius chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, apparently it was quite messy. He was a control freak, according to Mary McDonald and Lily hated it. He's still chasing her too, although he ends up getting hexed." He laughed softly to himself and missed Sirius' smile slip slightly. By the time he had returned his eyes to his friend Sirius' grin was back in place. "So, you had anyone ask you out recently?"

"You know I have. Every single fucking day." Sirius grimaced. "Always girls, I'm getting so bored of it now. I swear every homosexual in Hogwarts left the year I started. It's like they don't even exist! All the cute guys are straighter than rulers, it's no fun."

"I feel your pain. Here, drink up." James leaned over and pushed Sirius' glass to his lips, it took him a second to realise how close they were and when his eyes met Sirius' he felt a strange swooping sensation in his gut, as if he had missed a step on a stair case. He swallowed, his throat suddenly as dry as a desert, his hand shook ever so slightly as he slowly drew away and averted his gaze, hoping against hope that the blush he could feel burning his cheeks wasn't obvious. "So, er-"

"I haven't had a decent fuck since summer." Sirius muttered, his voice tight. His shoulders were tense as he gazed at James with penetrating grey eyes that were narrowed slightly, as if gauging James' reaction.

"Oh, look at that, we've nearly finished Dad's whiskey...I'll just go and-" James was about to stand and go to get a fresh bottle when a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him roughly back down again, he gasped and looked up as his empty glass fell from limp fingers and rolled away beneath the coffee table. He stared at Sirius who's eyes were burning with a strange ferocity that made every hair on his body stand on end. "Sirius...What's wrong?"

"I-" Sirius cleared his throat, his fingers relaxing on James' wrist a little, but he didn't let him go. "I was er...thinking that maybe we could...you know, help each other out a bit...if you get what I'm saying?" His voice dropped and he lowered his eyes, staring at the red ring his fingers had caused around James' wrist. He cleared his throat again awkwardly, allowing his eyes to flick upwards briefly. "I mean, if you want to..."

"I-I...I don't-what are you-is that-Sirius I-" James muttered himself into silence before taking a slow, deep breath and removing his hand from Sirius' grip. "Come on, I reckon it's time for bed. Mum and Dad'll be back soon." He whispered and turned his back on his best friend, as he picked up his fallen glass he could feel those piercing grey eyes boring into the small of his back, it was like an itch that he couldn't scratch.

That night he lay down on his bed, his senses heightened to the extreme as he listened to Sirius on the camp bed on his floor. He lay still, listening intently and frowning into the darkness. His skin tingled where Sirius had grabbed him and he could clearly remember the hardness in his eyes as he had suggested they shag. It was silly really, James was straight, he was certain of it and yet, yet there was a part of him that was surprisingly curious to know what it would be like. As he fell into a fitful sleep that night he was plagued by dreams of grey eyes and pitch black hair and wicked smiles.

XXX

When James and Sirius returned to school after the Christmas holidays they discovered that there was a strange tension between them. Something had changed since their conversation and Sirius found that he was barely able to look James in the eye, he felt both embarrassed and eager at the same time. Something in the way James looked at him now stirred a new, bright feeling within him, was it hope? He wasn't sure but he didn't like to get his hopes up. James found himself spending long moments dwelling on Sirius, he would catch himself remembering his smile, or find his eyes moving to his lips and throat when they spoke to each other, it strange and confusing so James attempted to put a little distance between himself and his best friend in the hopes that these feelings would disperse. Unfortunately Remus and Peter noticed the awkwardness between the two of them and attempted to find out what was bothering them.

"Did something happen over the holidays that I should be aware of, James?" Remus asked one day, sitting down uninvited by James' side in the library where he was frowning over a huge book.

James pushed his glasses further up onto his nose and cleared his throat. "No. It was a normal holiday, why?"

"Oh, just that there's something going on between you and Sirius, you've barely spoken to each other for ages. Peter's worried." Remus replied casually, sending James a look that told him he should spill the truth.

"It's nothing, I promise!" James insisted, smiling a little but failing to reassure Remus who merely hummed and began pulling out his books.

"Ugh, this essay set by Slughorn is a lot of work...Let me take a look at your notes a minute, I think I may have missed something." Remus held out his hand without looking at James, his eyes glued to the page before him as James put his notes into his outstretched palm. "Thank you." He muttered and settled down to work.

"Sirius! Sirius I need help!" Peter ran through the common room and halted before Sirius who was lounging on one of the comfy arm chairs by the fire and reading a massive, ancient book.

"Hold it!" Sirius held up a hand, stalling Peter before he could start talking again. "And now I'm done. What is it?" He looked up, arching an eyebrow and waiting for Peter to elaborate.

"I need to finish my charms work but I still can't do a silent spell to save my life, can you help me?" Peter's voice rose in panic, he wrung his hands and gazed at Sirius who regarded him coolly for a moment.

"Yeah, of course. What are you struggling with?" Peter sighed in relief and plopped down into the chair beside his friend.

As they sat beside each other and Sirius started to explain how Silent spells worked Peter looked up nervously. "Hey, are you and James ok?"

"Yeah, why?" Sirius asked stiffly, reaching out and shuffling a few bits of parchment that scattered his chair in an attempt to avoid looking at Peter.

"Well, it's just...you two have hardly hung around each other since we got back from Christmas holidays and Remus and I are...well...we're worried."

"It's nothing, we're fine, Peter. Right, now, you remember what I told you about concentration?"

Peter let the subject drop with a sigh and began trying to learn how to do a silent summoning charm.

XXX

"Aaaaaand GRYFFINDOR WIN! 100 to Zero! Potter's on FIRE!"

Sirius stood with his class mates, screaming and clapping and grinning as he grabbed Remus and yanked him into a tight embrace as James flew low over their heads in a lap of honour. He ran with Remus and Peter onto the pitch, overtaking them easily as he flew at James, knocking him to the floor the second he landed. They landed in a tangle of limbs and messy hair, gold, crimson and black all tied together as Sirius laughed and kissed James on the forehead. James flushed brightly but grinned despite his embarrassment. "YOU WON YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!" Sirius screamed as they were joined by the rest of the house, they were engulfed and James was yanked roughly from Sirius' grasp who let him go reluctantly and struggled to his feet as James was lifted high into the air.

The changing rooms were quiet as James quickly removed his gloves and began to slip his robes over his head as well. The door opened with a creak and James turned to see Sirius standing behind him and smirking, his arms folded across his chest and his Gryffindor scarf tied around his waist as he always wore it at matches. "Hey, nice arse, Potter."

James flushed brightly again, turning his back on Sirius and giving him a proper view of his arse. "Fuck off, Black, bloody perv."

"You love it." Sirius replied confidently as he entered the room and looked around with vague interest. "Where are the others?"

"Common room, celebrating I suspect."

"Ah, I see. Why aren't you with them?"

"Because I-" James paused, unwilling to admit that he had hung back on purpose to meet up with Sirius alone. "I wanted to er...clear up a bit." He waved a hand vaguely at the board he used to draw up tactics.

"Ok, need help?"

"Yeah, thanks." James turned and smiled at Sirius over his shoulder, he was now naked from the waist up and he watched Sirius' eyes flick over his body, his gaze burnt like the flames of hell but it was almost pleasant.

Sirius had seen James naked numerous times but this time there was something different, he could see how slowly James was moving as he picked up his school robes and slipped them over his head. He watched avidly as James' muscles moved, he enjoyed the way James was blushing almost as if he too were slightly turned on by the experience. Finally Sirius forced his eyes away and began picking up bits of stuff that lay scattered over the floor from the Gryffindor team, he tried to ignore James as he worked but it was exceedingly difficult. Finally the room was clear and James was dressed, Sirius stood by the door when James walked over to him, they smiled at each other but as Sirius made to move out the door he felt James' hand slide into his own and he was pushed a little too roughly into the wall. His eyes widened briefly as James moved into his personal space, a determined frown on his face. Without explanation James leaned in and pressed his lips to Sirius', the kiss was fast and sweet and somehow made Sirius' knees go weak. James pulled away, avoiding Sirius' gaze, he released him and stepped out the door, swinging his cloak around his shoulders.

"Come on, they'll be waiting for us." He croaked and left Sirius standing as still as a statue with his fingers touching the place James' lips had been seconds before.

Sirius blinked, trying to clear his head as he attempted to come to terms with what had just happened, after a second he opened his mouth and ran into the slightly windy grounds after James' retreating back. "JAMIE! OI! JAMES POTTER!" He shouted, running to catch up with him. When he reached his side he grabbed him and spun him around. "What did that mean?" He gasped, eyes wide in his pale face as he eagerly searched James' face for some clue as to what was going on in his head.

James averted his eyes and shifted nervously, his hand fiddled with his sleeve as he frowned up at the castle. "I...I dunno...It just kind of...felt right. Sorry." He mumbled.

"But...but was it serious? Jamie, I have to know..."

"Look, Sirius, just leave it, alright?"

"But-"

"Please." James pulled away, his face twisted a little in confusion. "I don't know what it meant because I don't know what I want! I just...I need some space." He walked away leaving Sirius standing in his wake and looking lost and confused.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Next chapter, sorry if its a bit jumpy but I am having difficulty getting into the flow of the story, mainly because my daughter is sick and I have very little time for writing! Ugh. Well, thank you all so much for your reviews and stuff, it really gives me heart. Enjoy this next chapter.**

**Chapter One**

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT?! YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE!" Sirius screamed, his wand clutched tightly in one hand as he struggled desperately against the arms wrapped firmly around his chest, pinning both arms by his side. "DON'T FUCKING TALK SHIT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!" He yanked one arm free but someone grabbed him again, holding him tighter as they dragged him forcefully backwards. Rage and pain turned his vision red and un-shed tears stung his eyes, his heart pounded against his ribs like a hammer on an anvil but James and Remus kept him from launching himself at Rosier who was clutching a bloody nose and glaring daggers at the group of friends. "GET OFF OF ME JAMIE, I'M GOING TO RIP HIM A NEW ONE!"

James winced as Sirius accidentally stood on his foot but did not let go. "No, Sirius, calm down! You'll get yourself expelled!"

"He doesn't know! He-he just-" Sirius gasped, his face screwed up in fury as he turned to James. "He's a fucking dick!"

"I know, but if you do this you'll end up in serious trouble, I'm not letting you do that to yourself. Come on, let's go." He dragged Sirius away, ignoring the jeers from the Slytherin's at their backs as Remus shrugged on his robes which had fallen off of his shoulders during the struggle. Finally James felt it safe to release Sirius who yanked himself free and swore loudly, scaring several second years as they passed them in the corridor. Sirius stormed ahead a little, kicking out at the wall, statues and anything he could reach. Finally he spun around and glared at his friends, his eyes bright in his white face.

"You shouldn't have held me back, I was going to murder the stupid little fuck." He hissed, his hands shaking where he still clutched his wand as if it were a life-line. "Bloodtraitor, I'll give him bloodtraitor! He thinks he knows why I ran away? He can go bugger himself with that limp dick of his. No one knows, no one can possibly understand what it was like...no one can even guess I..." He trailed off, pausing as he gazed angrily out of a nearby window.

"I'd understand if you talked to me, Sirius." James replied calmly, adjusting his glasses and moving closer to his friends side, gently he placed a hand on his shoulder and pulled him even closer. "Don't worry about Rosier and his mates, we'll get them back, like we always do."

"Yeah...yeah I guess, I just...I get so fucking angry!" Sirius sighed heavily, rubbing at his eyes as he turned and pressed his head against James' shoulder. "I hate it." He breathed, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I know." James felt the emptiness of those words, they were ultimately meaningless as he too had no idea what had made Sirius flee that night he had turned up on James' doorstep, broken, bleeding, lost and alone. He remembered the terror of that night as clearly as he could remember his own sorting. He hated seeing Sirius in that state and it made him both furious and frustrated that he couldn't help him, not really.

"On the plus side, I reckon I broke his nose." Sirius giggled softly, pulling away after a long moment and smiling weakly.

"That was a rather excellent punch, I admit." Remus said, grinning a little as well.

"I hope Madam Pomfrey can't fix it properly, maybe it'll be bent forever, then he'd think twice about trying to take me on again. Git."

XXX

"Jamie?"

James stirred fitfully, muttering something unintelligible under his breath as he rolled over.

"James, please..." Sirius reached out, the darkness surrounding him made him shudder as he remembered his latest nightmare. He shook his friends shoulder and watched James open his eyes, he yawned widely and cracked open an eye. "Si'rus?" He mumbled and pulled back the duvet. "Come on." Sirius smiled and climbed beneath the sheets, when he was beside James he wrapped an arm around him and took a deep, shaky breath.

"She used to hit me, Jamie." He whispered, pressing his forehead between James' shoulder blades and squeezing his eyes shut tightly. "She used to lock me in my bedroom a-and leave me there for days without food. She used to scream at me..."

James' eyes opened and he gazed blankly at the curtains on his side of the bed as he listened to Sirius mutter and shiver at his back. "It's ok." He said finally, rolling over and holding him close. "It's over now, you don't have to go back. I promise you i'll never let anyone hurt you again."

Sirius smiled, his heart beat finally calming as he snuggled deeper into his best friends arms and finally felt safe once again. He lay awake long after James had fallen back to sleep, he watched him for a while, remembering when they had first met and wondering if there was ever even the tiniest chance that James could return his feelings. He knew he had been in love with him for a very long time, he knew that he could never love anyone else for as long as he lived because James was everything to him. James was his brother, his best friend and without him Sirius would simply curl up and die like a plant left in the dark for too long. Gently he brushed some hair from James' forehead and pressed a light kiss to the bridge of his nose. He knew that there was very little chance of ever having his feelings returned but since that night during the Christmas Holidays there had been a change between them, something fundamental had been broken and now it felt as if there was hope yet. Despite that, Sirius had long ago decided that no matter what happened he would forever be by James' side, nothing would stop him from dying for him if it came to it. He sighed and closed his eyes, allowing himself to slip back to sleep without fear of nightmares.

XXX

"Sirius, wait..." James grabbed Sirius' wrist and pulled him into a nearby classroom. Sirius frowned a little as he allowed himself to be manhandled. James shut the door and frowned at the floor for a moment before running his hand distractedly through his eternally ruffled hair. The gesture made Sirius smile.

"Jamie, what is this about?" He asked curiously, moving forwards as James shifted a little before seeming to come to some conclusion inside his head. He stepped forwards until they were inches apart, a frown creased his forehead as he leaned up and pushed one hand into Sirius' hair. "Jamie, wha-" James shut him up by pressing their lips together with his eyes shut tight. Sirius froze again, his heart stuttering to a stop in his chest and his hands freezing in mid air. After a second he tipped his head to the side a little, trying to avoid breaking the moment by being too forward yet unable to deny the pleasure the kiss was giving him. His head felt as if he had been filled with heated white light and all thought became impossible as he parted his lips, daring James to take it a little further. When he did Sirius almost moaned, it was so unexpected. James' fingers tightened in Sirius' hair, causing his scalp to sting a little but it was insignificant compared to this development. He felt himself guided backwards, his back hit the wall as James' free hand slipped downward and he ran two fingers over the front of Sirius' robes, this time he did moan. Sirius caught James' wrist in his hand and pulled away reluctantly, breathing heavily and running his tongue over his lips, enjoying the taste of his best friend that lingered. "Fuck Jamie, what has got into you?" He whispered hoarsely, already regretting breaking the kiss.

"Last night, you told me things..." James cleared his throat, his face burning as Sirius gazed at him through slightly dazed eyes. "I just...I wanted to know..." Suddenly he broke away from Sirius and stepped back. "I'm sorry, it was stupid. I was just...just trying to see if I could...it doesn't matter, we're late for breakfast." Before Sirius could respond James was gone, leaving him standing in an empty class room and blinking as he tried to regain his senses. He should have been elated at having just kissed his best friend but somehow he just felt empty, he wasn't sure what James wanted or whether he should reciprocate his strange advances, he had no idea what he should do or how he should be reacting and his head swam from the confusion. He fell back against the wall and closed his eyes tightly, tipping his head back and sighing heavily. "Jamie, you little fuck." He whispered, smiling a little as he opened his eyes again and finally followed his friends footsteps to breakfast.

XXX

It was February before James and Sirius knew it, the sky was full of grey clouds but the wind brought the first hints that spring was on its way. A week before Valentines Day they were introduced to new student in Herbology, he had been going to school in France and his parents had recently moved to Britain and so he had been accepted into Hogwarts and put into Hufflepuff House. When the boy first entered the green house Sirius looked up, his eyes widening appreciatively as he looked the handsome boy up and down. He had olive skin and a mop of dark hair, his smile was infectious and when his eyes met Sirius' he found himself automatically returning the expression before a sharp elbow in his side from James snapped him out of it. Professor Sprout introduced him as Dorian Muller and bade him to sit down somewhere so that the lesson could begin, much to James' disapproval and Sirius' delight he chose to sit beside Sirius.

Sirius leaned close to him while Sprout was introducing a new species of plant to learn about, he smiled and held out his hand. "The name's Sirius Black." He whispered and Dorian smiled even wider, took his hand and shook it.

"It's very nice to meet you, Sirius."

James shifted in his seat, folding his arms across his chest as he watched Sirius' fingers linger on Dorian's. He glared at them both throughout the lesson and even got told off for not paying attention when his plant spat razor sharp seeds at him. When lesson was over and break began Sirius caught up to James who had stormed off with Peter in tow while Remus lagged behind with Sirius who imediately began talking about how handsome Dorian was. "Do you think he's into blokes? I mean, he was looking at me a lot...Merlin, he's so sexy and he's got that faint French accent. Do you think i'm in with a shot, Jamie?" He smiled at James who shrugged and trudged onward towards the double doors of the castle. "James? What's wrong?" Sirius took hold of his hand and pulled him to his side. "Are you jealous?" He laughed but stopped immediately when James shook him off roughly.

"No i'm not, now bugger off Black." He stormed into the castle proper as it began to rain. Sirius shook his head in confusion.

"What's climbed up his arse and died?" He asked Remus who shook his head.

"I don't know, Sirius."

That night in the common room James was fidgety and unable to settle down to his homework, eventually he ended up stuffing his parchment, ink and books back into his bag and stood up. "Where are you going?" Peter asked, watching James stretch and look over towards a table that contained several girls chattering away happily.

"Nowhere." James muttered, running a hand through his hair and striding over to the table with a smile. Peter watched as he began talking and flirting outrageously, the girls laughed back loudly and one of them even tossed her hair back from her shoulders before inviting him to sit with them. James spoke with them for a while before the portrait hole opened to reveal Sirius and Remus, Sirius complained loudly about the amount of homework they had and how unfair it was when he halted abruptly, causing Remus to walk straight into his back.

"Sirius, what the hell...?" Remus stopped as he followed his friends gaze. "I see." He muttered but, before he could so much as put a comforting hand on Sirius' shoulder he was pushed out of the way.

"Fine, if that's how he wants to play it." Sirius muttered angrily, his hands curling into fists at his sides as he scrambled once more out of the common room. "Bastard. Coming on to me like that and then just ignoring me. If he's not interested I'm going to get on with my life!" He walked away, heading towards the Hufflepuff common room which he knew was somewhere near the kitchens.

That weekend James ended up going on a date with a girl he wasn't all that interested in and was forced to watch as Sirius showed Dorian around Hogsmeade. He kept accidentally bumping into them, in the joke shop, in the Post Office and finally even in the Three Broomsticks. He could hear Sirius' laughter even as he opened the door and stepped into the warm, beer scented bar and searched for a place to sit. Madam Rosemerta came over and took their orders with a smile before bustling off into the crowd which parted to let her through and revealed Sirius sat in close proximity to Dorian. James watched in mounting frustration as Sirius leaned forward and touched the new boys hand, he muttered a curse beneath his breath as Sirius seemed to giggle and gaze at Dorian through lowered lids. It made him feel sick to his stomach, especially after all these new feelings that had started to plague him since Sirius had drunkenly propositioned him. He was angry and confused and wished with all his heart that it was him sat in that dark corner with Sirius, laughing and touching each intimately. Finally Rosemerta returned with their drinks and James grabbed his butterbeer and nearly downed it all in one pull, the girl he was with sent him a confused look before sipping her own. They spent the time in silence, James surreptitiously stealing glances at Sirius' table while his date became more and more bored, before he knew it she stood up and left without a word.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Sorry about the long update, I have been ill as has my daughter and I haven't really had much time for writing. Real life is sucky, lol. Please enjoy this latest chapter.**

Chapter Two

Valentines Day rolled around, bringing with it more rain and an influx of giggling teenagers, hearts and fluttering eyelashes. James walked through the castle with an unusually surly countenance, his admirers hinted at him heavily that they wished to go on a date with him but he brushed them off easily. At first Sirius ignored all advances with practised aloofness, many of his own admirers were too awe struck to even ask for a spare quill, let alone ask him out on a date. However, he was asked, none too privately, to got to Hogsmeade with Dorian and, after a glance in James' direction, he agreed. The school rumour mill churned, girls all over the castle whispered behind their hands as the news that Sirius Black was going on a date with another boy spread like wild fire. People began nodding, saying that it explained his disinterest in female companionship, others seemed surprised, and others disappointed. Whenever someone asked Sirius about it, he merely reminded them that his sexuality was none of their business and then suggested where they could stick their over-long noses next time.

"Potter! Hey, Potter!"

James spun around angrily, having had enough of being accosted in the halls by random girls from all years. "Look, I don't want to go on a date with you on Valentines Day! Just-Oh." His face fell and lost some colour as he realised that he was talking to Lily Evans who was standing stock still, one eyebrow arched and her hand held out with a book in it.

"You dropped this." She said, smirking a little as James blushed and scrambled around for an apology. "Don't worry, it must be hard being one of the most popular guys in school." She handed him his book back and shook her head before turning away.

After a second of hesitation, as his brain started to catch up with the situation, James took a breath and ran after her. He grabbed her arm, unfortunately causing her to jolt suddenly so that her own bag dropped from her shoulder and fell to the floor with a loud thud, scattering books, parchment, ink and quills every which way. "Potter!" She exclaimed in exasperation, glaring as James dropped to his knees and began rapidly picking up all her stuff. He popped back up again with full arms and a grin plastered across his crimson face, awkwardly he pushed his glasses further onto the bridge of his nose and cleared his throat.

"Sorry." He muttered, handing back her books and watching as she put them all back into her bag, rather ferociously. "Um, I was wondering if you're busy-" Lily looked up, blowing her fringe from her eyes which narrowed slightly as she regarded James warily. "-er...if you're not busy on Valentines Day, would you like to g-"

"Sorry, Potter, I have a date." She replied tersely and hefted her now full bag back onto her shoulder. "But, if you'd asked me sooner then maybe I would have considered it." She smiled and turned away, James watched her walk, her pony tail swinging hypnotically as he cursed himself silently for being a fool.

Sirius watched James return to the common room looking far more miserable than usual, he watched his friends eyes scan the room and find him sitting by the fire. The air seemed to thicken slightly and James hesitated before suddenly turning away and moving to sit beside Remus who was studying alone in a corner, as he didn't want any distractions. Sirius looked back at the book in his hands without really seeing it, he sighed heavily and wished he could fix whatever had broken between him and James. He missed him so much it hurt, he hated the fact that he was so depressed and wanted to be there to provide some sort of comfort but he knew that James wouldn't take kindly to such a thing now. He sighed again, shutting his book with a loud snap and standing up, he yawned widely and ran a hand through his hair before going upstairs to their dorm.

Valentines Day dawned and Sirius went on his date, but his mind was elsewhere. Throughout the whole thing he could barely concentrate on Dorian, they went to the Three Broomsticks and had some drinks before walking up to the Shrieking Shack where Dorian began to talk about his curiosity regarding the place, Sirius' mind dwelled on James and what he was doing on this dreary day. Finally, Dorian said his name sharply, snapping him back to the presant and alerting him to the fact that he had been day dreaming.

"Are you alright Sirius? You don't seem to be yourself today."

Sirius forced a smile and leaned forward on the fence surrounding the dilapidated house. "I'm fine, just tired." He said softly, clasping his hands together and looking up at the supposedly haunted house with a dreamy expression. Dorian joined him, his eyes moving to the house with a small frown creasing his brows.

"I have heard it said that this place is haunted by violent spirits?"

"Uh-huh." Sirius gave Dorian a side-long glance, wondering where this was going.

"I've never encountered a violent ghost before, I didn't think that they existed."

"Oh, yeah they do. This place is terribly haunted." Sirius said quickly, reaching out and touching Dorian's wrist lightly. "Very violent ghosts in there, wouldn't go near it if I were you. Come on, let's go, I'm bored." He tugged gently at Dorian's hand but it took a second before he acquiesced to his silent demands. Sirius let out a silent sigh of relief as Dorian allowed himself to be dragged back through Hogsmeade by his hand.

James looked up when the door to their dorm opened with a bang, he watched Sirius enter with a frown and immediately begin to undress. "What is it with people's stupid fucking curiosity?" He muttered irritably as he stripped off his shirt and threw it on his bed, he walked over to his trunk and opened it as he bent down and began to rummage through his things. "It's hard enough that we have to spend every waking second watching what we say or do so as not to give away Remus' secrets but when people start to ask questions that you can't answer without outright lying it just gets...difficult." He sighed heavily and paused with his hand stuffed deep in his trunk. "I liked Dorian but I-I...I don't think its going to work, you know? He's too intelligent."

"What happened?" James asked finally, sitting straighter and watching Sirius carefully. "You didn't give anything away did you?"

"No! Don't be fucking stupid." Sirius snapped irritably, standing and turning to face James. "I would never do that, have some faith in me. No, he was asking questions about the Shrieking Shack, I don't want a relationship where I would have to lie through my teeth...I'm not my parents." He sighed again and sat down heavily on James' bed. "Jamie, I'm sorry. For whatever I did."

James ran a hand through his hair and sat forward, moving closer to Sirius so that he could put his hand on his arm. "You didn't do anything, I was being stupid." He muttered, watching Sirius lift his head and look at him. "I'm just...I dunno...I feel weird around you now and it's confusing. I mean, I've always liked you but...but not in that way..."

"In what way?" Sirius asked softly, his eyes glittering slightly as the sun set sent colour splashing into the room.

James shifted a little closer, his eyes dropping to Sirius' lips and snapping back to his eyes again. "In a-a...a non-friend way..." He croaked, his throat unnaturally dry, he tried to clear it but it didn't work as Sirius shifted closer and closer until he could see the pours in his nose. "I-I..."

"Jamie, do me a favour?" Sirius' voice was low and husky as he lifted a hand and pushed it into James' hair.

"Y-yeah?"

"Shut up and kiss me." Sirius breathed, sending butterbeer scented breath over James' face.

James only took a moment to see if Sirius was joking before he grinned guiltily and moved forward, his lips brushed Sirius' lightly, the sensation sending electricity rushing down his spine. He lifted a hand and wrapped his fingers around the back of Sirius' neck before dragging him into a deep kiss, where tongues met and time stood still. It was more than Sirius had ever wanted in his entire life, he felt all his apathy, all his self hatred and anger melt away as he was wrapped firmly in James' arms. His dreams never could compare to the reality of kissing the one person in the world he truly loved. It was deliciously wet, hot and exciting, despite James' obvious nervousness. He didn't care that sometimes their teeth scraped against each other, or that it was clumsy at times or that James made a weird sound. He didn't care that James' fingers were digging painfully into the top of his spine or that he was moaning a little too loudly, it was everything he wanted and had been dreaming about for as long he could remember. It was perfect.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I know, some people may think that James is being a bit of an arse but trust me, he's not doing it deliberately. I've never seen James as very perceptive when it comes to personal relationships (similar to Harry) and I honestly don't think he'd be very aware of how Sirius felt for him. Anyway, I'm sorry for the short chapters but I've been so tired lately I just can't write a lot. I hope you can forgive me. Enjoy what I have written and I thank you for your reviews, they're very kind.**

Chapter Three

It was fully dark when Sirius and James finally broke their overly long kiss, Sirius sighed happily as James fell back onto his bed and dragged him down with him, he lay his head on James' chest and curled his fingers through James'. They lay there in perfect silence, neither one willing to break it. Sirius' eyes closed and he listened to James' heart beating, he smiled into his t-shirt, enjoying the new intimacy that lay between them like a warm duvet. He never wanted it to end.

Sirius was on the verge of sleep when James abruptly sat upright, almost sending him sprawling onto the floor. Somehow he managed to catch himself just as the door opened revealing Remus and Peter.

"Hello Prongs, Padfoot." Remus said with a smile as he moved to his own bed and dumped his bag at the end of it. Sirius pushed hair from his eyes and adjusted his position, James shifted away from him subtly, making Sirius send him a strange look.

"How did your study session go?" James asked, trying to act cool, despite the potentially suspicious circumstances.

"Crap." Peter muttered mulishly, sitting on his own bed and glaring furiously at the floor. "I don't think i'm ever going to understand the theory of Inanimate Transfiguration."

Sirius snorted derisively and stood up. "What are you, stupid? We covered that stuff ages ago!"

"That's enough Sirius." Remus replied calmly, his eyes lingering on Sirius' messed up hair and his crumpled robes. "What were you two doing?" He asked, a soft frown of curiosity crossing his face.

James fought the urge to flinch and covered it by running a hand through his hair, he saw Sirius open his mouth and spoke over him. "Oh, just fucking around. You know how it is." He laughed. Sirius looked at him, the words felt as if he had been punched in the face, James' easy dismissal of what had just happened left him feeling cold inside. Somehow he forced a smile and hid his feelings behind a mask of cool indifference.

XXX

When Sirius woke up the next day he found himself alone in the dorm, it seemed that James had gone down without him. He lay still for a little while, staring up at the canopy of his bed as he wondered why he was allowing himself to get caught up with his best friend, he knew he loved him but he had no idea how James felt about him and the kisses only made his heart ache worse. Maybe James had no idea just how much he was hurting Sirius with his actions, in fact, Sirius was certain he was utterly unaware of the true depths of his feelings towards him. Should he confess it all? He shook his head and sat up, rubbing his eyes and sighing heavily. Confessing such a thing would probably irreparably damage their friendship and Sirius would rather die than do that. He was stuck, he couldn't tell James the truth and he couldn't bring himself to stop whatever was happening between them, ultimately, when it came to James Potter, he was an incredibly weak man.

"Prongs, stop staring you're making everyone here uncomfortable." Remus hissed, leaning close to James' ear and making him jump so violently he threw his fork across the table.

"Huh-What?" He stammered, blinking and adjusting his glasses, which had slipped sideways.

"You were gawking at Lily, I hate it when you do that, it's creepy and you look like a troll."

"I do not!" James replied, frowning at Remus and grabbing a spoon so that he could check his reflection.

"You're almost as vain as Sirius."

"Someone say my name?"

James saw Sirius' blurry reflection in the spoon and took a silent breath, steadying his sudden nerves before turning around and smiling. He had been stupid to assume that he could ignore whatever he was feeling and now he had to face it or be damned to live in a constant state of never knowing what these feelings meant. "Of course we did, we miss you when you're not around." James wasn't sure but he thought he saw Sirius' cheeks turn a little pink but before he could confirm it Sirius had seated himself at his side and was tucking into a hearty cooked breakfast.

Sirius had no one he felt he could confide his feelings in, Remus would probably tell him to go to James and Peter was useless at giving advice and he would never confide his feelings with Mr. and Mrs. Potter, the mere thought of turning to any kind of parental figure made him cringe, no matter how nice they were. The only person he had was his Uncle Alphard, so, one bleak day he spent his break time in the library writing a letter. It took him several attempts and by the time he had finished what he thought was a suitable letter, he was surrounded by screwed up bits of parchment and his fingers were stained with ink. The bell rang and he shoved his stuff back into his bag and folded up the letter, tucking it into his pocket to send later. That evening he went to the Owlry and sent a school owl with his letter to his uncle, when he left he felt a little better, as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

A week passed by and he received no answer from his Uncle, which was highly unusual as he never failed to write back as quickly as possible. Sirius waited, slowly his agitation increased until one day the school owl returned with his letter still attached to its leg. Later that day, while he was in Transfiguration, he was called to the Headmaster's office. "What have I done?" Sirius asked, gazing at McGonagall in confusion, it was odd that she didn't have her normally stern expression on her face as she gestured for him to come closer.

"You have done nothing, the Headmaster wishes to speak to you as soon as possible. You have permission to have the rest of the day off."

With great foreboding Sirius packed up his bag, whispered his farewells to his friends and began making his way to Dumbledore's office.

James waited for his friend, hovering outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office with Remus and Peter. Sirius had been up there for a very long time and James was getting nervous. Finally, just as Remus suggested, half heartedly, that they return to the common room, the Gargoyle guarding the office door leapt aside and Sirius stepped into corridor, closely followed by his brother. James took one look at his best friend and yanked him into a tight embrace, he didn't need to hear Sirius explain what happened, he knew, simply from the look in his eyes that it was something awful. His bag slid off of his shoulder and fell to the floor with an unnaturally loud thud, Regulus watched the pair of them for a long moment before curling his hands into fists and walking away with his head held high and an odd stiffness in his back. Sirius meanwhile melted into James' embrace, he held him with such an intense grip that he almost tore James' robes. Remus and Peter hung back, worry etched into their faces as they waited for Sirius to speak.

Finally with a great shudder Sirius extracted himself from James' grasp. "My Uncle Alphard died." He croaked, wincing as he spoke his uncle's name, as if even the sound of it brought back the pain.

"Merlin, I'm sorry, Sirius." James whispered softly, searching Sirius' face for an indication of how he should react.

"He died of...of natural causes. I just...he was the only person i-in my whole damned family w-who gave a f-fuck and I-I..." He took a sharp breath through his teeth, his face crumpling a little before he let it out slowly again. "I'm sorry, I'm acting a right prat."

"No, you're not, Sirius. We understand." Remus offered a small, comforting smile but Sirius' face merely twisted in response.

"I'm sorry, I just need to be alone." Sirius muttered, running a distracted hand through his hair and gazing off into the distance for a moment. After a second or two he turned away and strode off, James hesitated before Remus gave him a nudge in the back.

"He needs you." He whispered and James gave him a brief look before sighing, picking up his bag and running after Sirius. Remus watched him go and shook his head. "When will he realise?" He muttered to himself thoughtfully.

"When will he realise what?" Peter asked in confusion.

"Nothing, come on, let's go back to the common room." Remus walked off before Peter could question him further.

Somehow Sirius knew that it was James even before the door opened onto the windy Astronomy Tower, he didn't bother looking around. "I feel sick." He whispered into the wind as he felt James move closer.

"I'll go, if you want." James replied.

"No...no don't go." Sirius' voice cracked and he leaned forward, his fingers digging into the cold stone parapet. "Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!" He screamed so loudly that a few roosting birds woke and began chattering amongst themselves. James hung back, watching Sirius' shoulder's shake and the wind grab at his long hair. The half moon above them glimmered like a giant silver eye, the stars glittered coldly and as the wind died momentarily James heard a soft sob escape Sirius' clenched jaws. In silence James stood by Sirius' side, their shoulder's brushing lightly as he waited for Sirius to speak again. "There are only three people in my messed up family I love and now, now one of them is dead. He's gone, Jamie, gone forever! What am I going to do now?"

"What would he want you to do?" James replied, reaching out and taking Sirius' hand in his own, it was as cold as the stone it had been touching. "I reckon, from what you told me about him, he'd want you to carry on. He'd want you to live and enjoy your life."

Sirius chuckled weakly and slowly lifted his head. "Enjoy life? I haven't had much enjoyment out of life, have I?"

"No, but perhaps we can change that." James smiled and reached out, brushing the knuckles of his free hand down Sirius' face.

"What do you want from me James?" Sirius asked burying the bright hope that threatened to explode in his chest as James' eyes hardened.

"I want...I want you to be happy." James whispered.

"No, not that."

"I know what you meant, I'm sorry. I don't know what I want."

Sirius pulled himself away reluctantly, his eyes moving towards the door. "Fine, let's go." He moved towards it but was held back by a strong hand on his arm.

"Really, Sirius, if I knew what I wanted I'd tell you."

"Yeah, I know." Sirius turned back to him, gazing at him sadly. "When you work it out, let me know." And with that he was gone, leaving James standing alone in the bitter wind and wondering why he felt as if he had wounded Sirius even worse than he had been before.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Four

Remus sighed as James sat down heavily beside him, slowly he put down his quill and neatly folded the piece of parchment he had been writing on before putting it aside too. Finally he looked at James who was slumped despondently in his chair, glaring at the table. The common room was quiet as most people were still at dinner, the full moon was that very night and Remus was not very hungry. "Why aren't you down having dinner?" He asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Because Sirius is down there." James replied, flushing a little as he spoke and deliberately avoiding Remus' gaze.

"I see, and since when has that ever prevented you from eating?"

"Since I-" James straightened, clenching his hands into fists and staring at them so hard Remus thought he was trying to set them on fire. "Moony, can I tell you something?"

"You know you can." Remus replied casually.

"Well, for a while now I've been...having strange thoughts about Sirius." James said carefully, glancing up to check that Remus was understanding what he was saying.

Remus, who had been expecting something like this for a year or so, moved closer to James and faced him properly. "Romantic thoughts?" He asked.

"Well, no...I mean yeah...I mean, it's complicated."

"And I suppose you want to know and understand these thoughts?" Remus asked, and, not waiting for an answer, continued. "I can't say that I understand, but does Sirius make you feel the same way you feel about Lily?"

James considered for a moment, Sirius did make him happy. His smile made him feel as if someone had replaced all his organs with fidgety butterflies. "Yes, I think so." He said slowly. "What does that mean? I'm not gay, I still fancy girls but Sirius is...Sirius just makes me...I dunno." He sighed heavily and put his head in both hands.

"You are allowed to like girls _and_ boys you know?" Remus replied softly. "Sexuality isn't a quantifiable thing, not everyone fits into the boundaries of certain labels. You could be bisexual or you could simply be attracted to Sirius alone, only you can know. But either way its perfectly acceptable."

"Why are you so good at this stuff, Moons?"

"I'm not, I just read a lot more than you do." Remus smirked as James playfully hit him on the head with a nearby book. "You know you could go to Sirius and discuss this, I'm sure he'd be a lot more helpful."

"I can't. He messes up my head too much. Anyway, I've got some serious thinking to do, thanks Moony."

Sirius and Peter lingered outside the Great Hall, for a few days Sirius had noticed that they had a stalker and had decided that it was high time that they got more than they could chew. The plan had struck him one day when he had spotted Snape hovering around them, obviously thinking that he couldn't be seen. It was not only annoying but Sirius had also seen Snape talking more and more to his brother and that made him angry. So, he had decided to give Snape what he wanted, the big Marauder secret. He knew it would be dangerous, he knew it could potentially end in bloodshed but a part of him didn't care. Since the loss of his uncle he had the burning desire to do something reckless, the thrill of danger would ease the gulf of emptiness that seemed to have swallowed every half decent emotion he had once had. He stopped Peter in the hall and made sure that Snape caught up with them, and, as he had predicted, Snape hung back, watching them intently. Sirius grinned. "So, Peter, tonight do you remember how to get into the Whomping Willow?" He lifted his voice only enough for their eavesdropper to hear. Peter gave him a very confused look but nodded.

"Of course I do, I'm the one who has to press that knot in the wood to stop the branches...are you all right Sirius?"

"I'm fine." Sirius clapped him on the shoulder, glancing behind him at Snape who looked as if all his birthdays had come early. "Perfectly brilliant in fact." He turned away and guided Peter back up to the dorm, smirking as he went.

That night James, Sirius and Peter waited beneath the invisibility cloak for Madam Pomfrey to come out from beneath the Willow. Sirius shifted, checking over his shoulder and hoping that Snape would have taken the bait, he couldn't wait to see his face when he realised what he was dealing with. James looked at him questioningly but Sirius just smiled reassuringly and put a hand on his shoulder.

When Peter had transformed into a rat and touched the knot in the trunk of the violent tree, Sirius slipped from beneath the cloak and gave James a brilliant grin before transforming into Padfoot and bounding off. James waited patiently, he was used to waiting as Prongs could not fit into the secret passage way. After a few minutes however movement caught his eye, he watched with mounting horror as a shadow flitted across the grounds and headed straight for the willow where his friends had disappeared. James waited, his heart beating loudly in his ears and his mouth as dry as a dessert. The figure used a large stick to poke at the knot and still the branches before creeping closer, it bent down and seemed to look into the hole between the roots. James' paralysis broke just as a loud, terrifying howl rent the still night air. He threw the cloak from his shoulders and broke into a run, somehow he managed to grab the back of Snape's cloak and yank him backwards just as a pair of glowing eyes appeared in the darkness. He hauled the terrified boy up onto his feet and dragged him into a run. When they reached the steps of the castle, James turned to look behind him, he couldn't see any sign of pursuit and took a long, deep breath. "You fucking idiot, what were you thinking?!" He shouted at Snape who was looking at him with wide eyes. "You could have been killed!"

"T-There's...a-a...Werewolf..."

"Shh!" James glared at Snape furiously. "Keep your mouth shut! Next time don't go poking your nose into other people's business or it might get bitten off!"

Snape managed to regain some of his composure and sneered weakly. "You're hiding a werewolf on school grounds, and you and your friend Black nearly got me killed! You'll be expelled for this, Potter, I swear it!" Without waiting for any more explanation he turned on his heel and was gone.

That morning, when the moon had set and the sun had just begun to rise, James cornered Sirius just as he dragged himself out of the secret passage way. "Sirius, we need to talk. Now." James folded his arms across his chest as he gave Sirius a hard look, Sirius paused as he heard Peter scramble out behind him.

"Remus is ok, he said he's just a bit beat up. Hey, what's wrong? Where were you last night James?" Peter looked from James to Sirius and back again before realising something had happened that he had missed.

"It's fine, Wormy, why don't you go take a bath. Sirius and I need a long chat." James said and Peter backed away slowly before jogging back up to the castle. "Just answer me this: Why?"

Sirius considered feigning innocence but the look on James' face made him decide that truth would be better. He licked his lips nervously and glanced back at the tree before taking James' arm and guiding him away. "It was a joke, mate. I just wanted Snape to stop stalking us, it's bloody creepy."

"So you thought you'd get him killed and make our best friend a murderer?" James shook his head, unable to completely hide the true depths of his anger. "How could you be so stupid?! Did Remus' feelings even cross your mind? Did you even consider the repercussions of what you just did?"

Sirius opened and closed his mouth as he sought an answer before finally sighing heavily in defeat. "No, I didn't think about Remus or the consequences." He muttered, scratching at his arm and frowning into the distance where he could see that Hagrid had just lit his fire. "Jamie, I'm sorry."

"I don't think sorry's going to cut it this time." James replied, turning away and walking back up to the castle. "I think you should go see him the second he wakes up, it'd be better if he heard it from you first."

"Shit." Sirius swore and kicked a nearby stone as guilt waged war with his urge to laugh. He wondered if Snape had wet himself and sniggered before remembering the hurt and anger in James' eyes and the laughter died on his tongue, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

Remus looked at him with a carefully blank expression, Sirius shifted nervously and fiddled with the fabric of the bedspread as he waited for Remus to say something. Finally Remus looked away. "I suppose you're here to apologise?" He asked in a rough voice, one hand absently scratching beneath the bandages surrounding his torso.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, moony." Sirius offered, biting on his bottom lip and gazing at his friend with wide eyes. "I didn't mean for anything to happen, I swear it was just a laugh!"

"Just a laugh?" Remus repeated, his tone soft but slightly dead sounding. "You know, of course, that Dumbledore has sworn Snape to secrecy, don't you?"

"Yes. That's good isn't-isn't it?"

"The last person I ever suspected of betraying me would be you, Sirius." Remus' voice dropped and cracked a little, he cleared his throat and glared out of the window. "I want you to go away now."

"But...but Remus, please, I didn't-"

"Just. Go." Remus flopped backwards into bed and pulled the duvet over himself, turning his back firmly on Sirius who stood there for a moment, debating about what he should do before finally sighing and leaving the Hospital Wing.

James sat with his arms folded across his chest as Sirius stepped out of the Hospital Wing with his head down, he slid from where he was perched on the bannister and waited for Sirius to join him. "He's pissed, right?"

"Yeah." Sirius sighed again, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and scuffing one trainer against the marble floor. "I thought if I just said sorry he'd forgive me and things could go back to normal."

James shook his head. "You still have a lot to learn about people, Sirius." He said softly, guiding Sirius up the stairs with a hand on his elbow. "Of course he's going to take time in forgiving you, it's not something you can just get back by saying a few words! Sirius, you betrayed his trust, you almost made him a murderer and stirred up all his worst fears again. Forgiveness needs to be earned, what you did is going to take some time to come to terms with and even then he may not forgive you...just wait and try to prove to him you're really sorry."

"I hate this." Sirius stopped and looked out the window at the sunny grounds. "Detention for two weeks, Remus mad as hell at me and you..." He trailed off, his voice breaking a little. "Jamie, do you think you'd ever consider-"

"Potter!"

Sirius bit back a curse word and turned to see Lily Evans running towards them, her bag slung over one shoulder and a smile on her face. "Oh, hullo, Black."

"Evans." Sirius replied stiffly, she ignored his less than pleasant greeting and began rummaging in her bag.

"Where is it? What did I do with i-ahah!" She withdrew a piece of parchment, it looked very worn and it appeared blank. "I think this belongs to you."

James stared at it in silence a moment before nodding and taking it from her hand, their fingers brushed and lingered for a moment and he felt a tiny twist of pleasure in his gut. "Er-thanks...how did you know it was mine?"

"I opened it and tried to use it." She said slowly. "It's a strange object, it started to insult me and I've heard you lot calling each other stupid nicknames like 'Prongs' and 'Padfoot' before so I just put two and two together."

"Oh Merlin, what did it do?" James hissed, glaring at the Marauder's Map as if it were alive.

Lily watched his strange overreaction with a confused smile. "It only told me to mind my own business and then Padfoot," She glanced at Sirius who folded his arms across his chest and frowned. "Told me I had terrible hair and should consider cutting it all off." She laughed lightly and ran a hand through her long hair. "It was nothing terrible, just a few stupid insults that didn't really bother me."

"Oh...oh good. Er...thanks for this." James stuffed the parchment into his pocket.

"No problem, where did you get it anyway? Is it some sort of joke product from Zonko's?"

"No, not exactly...its sort of a one of a kind custom creation."

"I see. Well, I will see you later." Lily smiled brightly and left the two boys, James let out a great sigh of relief before rounding on Sirius with a huge grin.

"That was probably the most we've spoken in all the years we've been here, Pad's!" He cried, laughing loudly as he pulled an unresisting Sirius into his arms. "Man, she still smells like Jasmine and pine needles..." He sighed heavily and released Sirius, missing the pain that flashed across his face. "Anyway, what were you saying?"

"It doesn't matter." Sirius replied softly, hiding his anguish behind a smile. It was good to see James so elated, the smile that lit his face was so bright and beautiful Sirius was reminded once again that his place was forever going to be as a friend and nothing could ever come between James and Lily, it was fate.

XXX

He had thought it would be easy to return to being James' friend, he had assumed that he could slip back into his role without a hitch and they would all continue on as if nothing had ever happened. Sirius had been lying to himself. It was agony watching James watch Lily, it was agony being the one who was constantly talked at about how Lily was slowly talking to James more frequently and it was agony to see that brilliant, light giving smile directed at someone else. He could no longer pretend that his feelings were merely platonic, every time James was within inches of him he had to fight the urge to lean forward and kiss him. He hated fighting down the urge to hold James close, to run his hands through that wonderfully messy hair and he despised being put aside so easily for Lily Evans. Something inside him had changed, he wanted James Potter and no one, not even the pretty red head, was going to come between him and his goal.

And so, one night, after Quidditch practice, Sirius followed James into the Prefects bathroom which he was allowed access to due to his new Captain's badge. He slipped easily into the bathroom behind James just as the secret door closed, he watched for a moment as James stripped off and began turning on a few choice taps, humming tunelessly as he did so. Sirius leaned against the wall, enjoying the view as steam filled the room, finally he decided to allow his presence to be known. He cleared his throat. James screamed, he slipped and fell with a great splash into the hot bath water, Sirius burst into helpless hysterics as his friend finally surfaced, sputtering and cursing as he dragged himself to the side of the bath and glared furiously at Sirius. After a second he reached out and grabbed Sirius' leg which was too close to the water, Sirius realised his mistake too late and found himself tumbling, fully clothed into the water. When he too resurfaced, red faced and soaked to the bone, he hit James around the back of the head who laughed brightly, the sound echoing through the room. "You dick!" Sirius exclaimed, rubbing water from his eyes and pushing sopping wet hair from his forehead.

"Oh come on, like you don't deserve it!" James giggled, swimming lazily to the side of the bath and treading water as he watched Sirius intently. "You can't take a bath with your clothes on." He said, almost managing to sound casual as he spoke.

"This is true." Sirius replied, swimming over to James so that he was close enough to touch him before slowly stripping off his wet robes and throwing them casually on the side of the bath. He never broke eye contact with James, even as he removed his underpants and tossed them on top of his robes. James was slightly pink in the face, but whether from arousal or the heat, Sirius didn't know. Sirius moved closer, effectively trapping James against the side of the bath, ensuring that he couldn't make some lame excuse and escape this time. "Do you want me, Potter?" He muttered, watching James' cheeks darken and his eyes turn a strange amber colour in the fading light streaming through the stained glass windows.

"Sirius I-"

"I don't want excuses, mate. I'm making you an offer; do you want me?"

James swallowed, painfully aware that Sirius was stark naked and inches away from him, it would be so easy to just reach out and touch his glistening chest...but could he? "I-I...I'm not sure."

"No. That's not what I want to hear." Sirius growled, staring intently into James' eyes. "It's time for some truths, we've both been lying to each other for years now, so lets get it out in the open; Jamie, i'm a virgin!"

"What?" James' eyes widened the narrowed suspiciously. "But you said-"

"I said I'd had sex, and yes, in some ways I have but i've never done full penetration." He cleared his throat and averted his gaze momentarily. "I...I've been asked, many times but I just haven't been able to go that far, or at least, not with just anyone." He returned his eyes to James' and reached out, gently brushing his finger tips against James' cheek bone. "There's only one person in the entire universe who i'd let fuck me properly and that's you, James. I've been waiting, hoping...probably in vain, but now i'm putting it in the open. There's only two answers to my question, pick one."

James was stunned into silence for a full two minutes. Sirius had always pretended he had gone all the way but thinking back James had never actually heard him mention full penetrative sex before, and now Sirius was confessing that he had been waiting for James to make a move on him. He sat perfectly still, watching Sirius for any sign that he was joking but his face was open and utterly defenceless and James knew that his answer could destroy him. "Sex isn't everything, Sirius."

Sirius waved that away, "No, it isn't but with you it would be. You don't understand what it is i'm offering you, Jamie. I've never wanted to get that close, be that intimate with someone except you. I am willing to walk away if you honestly tell me this isn't what you want, but I have to tell you or i'd explode."

"Are you saying that you l-love me?" James whispered, unsure if he really wanted to know the answer.

Sirius said nothing, he wasn't sure how James would take his true feelings and so he kept his mouth shut. "What is it then? Do you want to fuck me?"

"This is like we're negotiating a business deal, hardly the most romantic situation." James replied, sliding away a little and giving himself room to breathe. "Look, this is something I need to think over, I can't just be put on the spot like this, it's not fair. I've only just discovered that I like you in a non-platonic way and now you're dumping this on my shoulders? Sirius, your virginity isn't something you can barter away like that, don't you care about yourself?"

Sirius snorted derisively, "James, you know me. I despise myself, I'm a worthless bloodtraitor without a single penny to his name, no home, no future. My whole fucking life revolves around you, you're my light, my sun and I can't live without being by your side! My virginity is mine, I can give it to who I want to and its not some precious jewel or dragons hoard, it's just an act. That's all. Someone sticks their cock inside me and I 'lose it', and that's it. Stop being stupid about this and just tell me honestly; do you want me?"

James sighed heavily and looked at Sirius sadly. "I'm sorry, I can't make that decision right now."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I hope you're all still enjoying this fic, I apologise if this chapter is a bit weird but some of it is dream. Anyway, love your kind reviews, keep them coming! **

Chapter Five

Darkness swirled around him as he sat on his knees, holding his wrists before him and watching blood pour from the two deep wounds. His breathing was heavy and he could feel the cold deep in his bones. Words drifted to him through the darkness, words of hatred, degrading words, voices that were familiar and terrifying. Faces loomed at him out of the gloom, his mother, his father and his cousins...all spitting foul language at him, all laughing at his despair. He could feel his body growing weaker by the second, his own blood staining his smart new dress robes and pooling onto the cracked tiled flooring he was knelt on. He wanted oblivion, he craved it but knew that it wasn't coming. He would never escape the voices in his head, he would never find peace. They haunted him, cursing, pointing, laughing at his humiliation and causing more pain than the knife had done as he had dug it deep into his own flesh. He was alone, he would be alone forever, doomed to live in shadows and darkness...

Sirius woke with gasp, covered in cold sweat and shaking like a leaf. He gazed blindly up at the canopy of his bed and blinked away the few tears that still clung to his eyelashes. Slowly, as the dread of the dream seeped out of his body and he regained a sense of where he was, he lifted his arms and stared at the two long, silvery scars that marred his wrists. He groaned heavily and rubbed at his eyes, causing bright lights to dance behind his lids. He was alive, he had survived, despite his desperate wish to end it all. He remembered his mother's screams of fury when she had discovered him, lying weakly in his cousin Andromeda's lap and crying helplessly, bottles of blood replenishing potion scattered across the kitchen floor and the knife, stained bright red and still dripping sluggishly close to his right hand. Walburga Black had screeched at him, she had slapped him, caused him to black out before forcing him to scrub the floor and wash his robes, all the while Andromeda insisting that he needed to go to St. Mungos and ensure that he was fully healed. That night, on Sirius' tenth birthday, Andromeda had left and never come back.

"Sirius?"

Sirius heard James' voice, despite the fact that it was slightly muffled by the heavy curtains surrounding his bed. He took a deep, shaky breath and sat up before slowly opening the curtains and gazing blearily up into James' moonlit face. "Jamie?"

James shoved him over and slid into bed with him before wrapping him in his arms and going still, he closed his eyes and Sirius watched him for a long time before smiling slightly bitterly. "Go to sleep, Sirius, it's four in the morning and we've got lessons tomorrow." James muttered sleepily.

"Thank you." Sirius replied, his voice dropping to a whisper as he snuggled into his friends arms and buried his face in his chest.

XXX

James' birthday rolled around, bringing with it a spat of good weather and bright spring fragrances. The party that evening was loud and out of control, even the Head Boy and Girl were drunk. Sirius, Peter, James, Remus and a few of their other friends had started a game of Spin the Bottle. The bottle was enchanted so that whoever it landed on had no choice but to kiss the person who spun it or be sprayed with some foul smelling liquid that wouldn't wash out for a week.

"Ok, it's your turn Remus!" Mary McDonald called loudly, lifting her drink and finishing it quickly, her eyes bright as Remus leaned forward and spun the bottle. Everyone fell silent as they watched it go around and around until finally it came to a halt, Remus' eyes followed it until they landed on one of Mary's friends who blushed slightly but shrugged and leaned forward.

Sirius sniggered loudly as Remus kissed the girl awkwardly, he sipped from the glass in his hand and leaned heavily against James' shoulder. "I reckon you're in there, Remus!" He said loudly but Remus made no sign that he had heard him at all. Sirius shifted uncomfortably, he hated not speaking to his friend, he hated the guilt that it caused him to see how much damage he had done but he felt utterly helpless to do anything about it. After a second or two he realised that it was his turn to spin the bottle and everyone was now staring at him intently, he noted those faces that had hope in them before smiling lazily and flicking his wand at the bottle. It spun, faster than it would have without a little magical nudge until it slowed and finally halted on a girl sat opposite him. With a side-long glance at James he moved forward at the same time as the girl who was pink in the cheeks and pressed their lips together, a wave of revulsion swept through him but he pushed it aside. Her lips were soft and cushiony against his own and although it made him feel nothing he slid one hand around the back of her neck and slid his tongue into her mouth. She tasted of some strange strawberry drink she had been consuming, it was a horrible, sickly sweet taste that made him think of the awful sweets his grandmother had forced on him when he was a child. He pulled away and gave the girl his sexiest smile before slowly returning to his place beside James.

"Was that deliberate?" James hissed from the corner of his mouth as someone else spun the bottle. Sirius shrugged.

"Maybe, or maybe I just wanted to be certain I didn't like girls."

James hesitated as he watched another pair kiss and blush furiously with embarrassment. "And?" He asked cautiously, looking at Sirius sideways.

Sirius shifted, moving so that he could see James' face without breaking contact with his side. "It tasted like too much sugar and made me want to throw up, does that make you feel better?"

James turned away and said nothing, ignoring Sirius' snort and allowing him to steal his drink from his lax fingers. After half an hour a few people got up and went to mingle with others, it wasn't until it was James' turn to spin the bottle that he noticed that Mary had finally managed to coax Lily Evans into their small group. James froze, his fingers brushing the glass as his eyes met Lily's, she smiled at him and gestured at him to continue. The whole room seemed to become too hot, he loosened his shirt collar and cleared his throat as he frowned and spun the bottle. He felt Sirius tense at his side but he didn't dare look away as the bottle spun and spun and never seemed to slow down. James sucked in a sharp breath as it finally came to a halt, his eyes slid upwards and met bright, inquisitive green. Nearby people stopped chatting and turned to watch the game, most people were well aware of James' crush, but no one had thought that it would get anywhere. Everyone waited for Lily to respond, finally she moved to her knees and shuffled forwards, tucking her rather short skirt beneath her thighs to hold it in place. Her eyes hardened and a small, playful smirk curled her lips that sent lightning shooting down James' spine, he swallowed hard as she inched closer.

"Well, Potter? What are you waiting for?" She muttered, arching an eyebrow and allowing her smile to widen, James saw the challenge written plainly across her face and he knew he was done for, he never even stood a chance. Without allowing himself to think, he moved forward, a little faster than he had intended and he felt the crash of teeth against teeth. Lily giggled and the sound almost made James crumble, instead he wrapped his fingers into her hair and tugged her gently to his lips again, this time he managed to do it properly.

Sirius wanted to look away but he couldn't even as wolf whistles erupted from the audience around them. He felt anger, hurt and jealousy all mingle together inside his chest until he was worried he would explode. He let out a slow breath before climbing to his feet, he stumbled a bit but managed to regain his composure.

"Aw, Sirius, aren't you playing anymore?" Mary asked, giggling drunkenly as she waggled a bottle at him. "Come on, don't be a spoil sport, most of the people playing this stupid game are only here because you are."

Sirius looked over briefly at James, licked his lips and sat back down again. He leaned forward and snatched the bottle from Mary's fingers before upending it and downing the contents. "Alright, I'm in." He muttered roughly and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, he thought that Mary may have noticed the slight tremble in it because her eyes narrowed slightly but before he was sure she was laughing and hooting loudly with everyone else as James finally broke away from Lily.

The game wound down, people began becoming sleepy and Sirius slouched against James, enjoying the intimacy as he watched the bottle spin and tried desperately to keep his thoughts away from the fact that Lily was sat on James' other side and they were actually talking. Finally it was his turn again, he sat up, instantly regretting the loss of contact as he leaned down and spun the bottle with a flick of his wrist. It spun and spun and slowed and Sirius blinked when it landed directly next to him. Mary 'Oooh'd' and laughed loudly, causing more people to look sleepily in their direction. James stopped talking to Lily mid-sentence as he suddenly realised where the bottle had landed, his eyes met Sirius' and he saw them gleaming purposefully. James had time to part his lips before Sirius was on him, one hand pushed deep into his hair while the other slid slowly up his thigh. He gasped, a strange, choked sound that was cut off as Sirius plunged his tongue into his mouth. James reacted the only way he could as Sirius crawled into his lap and straddled him, he put both hands on Sirius' hips and dug his fingers into the flesh beneath his shirt. One of them groaned, neither of them knew who. James' fingers slid unconsciously into the top of Sirius' trousers, resting just above the line of his underpants. Fire and heat raced through their bodies, Sirius barely able to control the hunger that had risen in him as James grunted as he was pushed back onto the floor. Finally, after an age, they pulled apart, Sirius gasping a little as he gazed into James' wide eyes. There was a babble of talk behind them but he didn't care, all he wanted was for James' fingers to slide down a little bit lower. He grinned devilishly as James blinked and seemed to come to his senses, his tongue darted out and licked his lips as he shivered a little.

"Well, that was intense." Mary giggled, clinking a bottle and pushing a glass into Sirius' hand as he sat up, finally allowing James to follow suit. "Nice one, that will be the talk of Hogwarts for months to come!"

James flushed and looked away, unable to meet Lily's eyes, but Sirius saw her watching James shrewdly as if seeing something she had missed before. Sirius smirked to himself, taking a swig of his drink and leaning back against the wall, if that didn't get the message across for Lily to back off, he didn't know what would.

Sirius woke at dawn, his mouth tasting as if someone had scrubbed it with a dirty sponge and his head throbbing. Slowly he scrubbed at his face and rolled over, he opened his eyes slightly and squinted through his eyelashes at the still form of James at his side. Gently, so as not wake him, he slid an arm around him and inched closer, pressing himself into James' back and tipping his head to the side so that his lips brushed the soft skin at the top of his spine. James shifted against him, sending a jolt of pleasure straight into his groin, he smirked to himself and let his hand glide down James' stomach and come to rest just below his navel. Although he knew that he was, in all likely hood, still rather drunk, he found that he didn't care. His kiss with James the previous night had broke a wall and he knew that if he didn't take a chance he would lose to Lily Evans and that was not about to happen any time soon. His fingers slid into the top of James' pyjama's and James muttered something incomprehensible under his breath. "Jamie?" Sirius whispered softly, his breathe brushing the hair by James' ear and making him twitch. "Jamie, wake up."

"Si'rus? Wha's wrong?" James yawned, he wiggled a little and made Sirius gasp and bury his face in the back of James' neck. Gently he began leaving a trail of kisses across his spine, his hand shaking where he longed to delve lower. "Sirius?" James' voice sharpened and he grabbed Sirius' wrist tightly before rolling over and facing him. "It's too early, what are you playing at?"

"Nothing...unless you want me to." Sirius watched James' face twist a little, his fingers tightened on Sirius' wrist and cut off the blood supply but he didn't care as their lips met in a hot, slow kiss. "You taste like crap." Sirius muttered breathily, drawing away long enough to push both hands deep into James' hair.

James managed a small smirk, "So do you." He muttered, kissing Sirius again and tangling his hand into his hair, dragging his head back and moving down to kiss his throat. Sirius groaned heavily, eyes fluttering closed as James moved his way downwards, lips skating against bare flesh, teeth nipping at his hip-bone and hot hands sliding smoothing down, down until-

"Sirius, wake up! We're late for McGonagall!"

Peter's shout made Sirius groan and peel himself away from his pillow, he yawned and forced his eyes open, wincing as sunlight assaulted them. "Fuck sake Pete, I was having the most brilliant dream and you ruined it!" He reached over to his bedside table and groped blindly for his wand, when he had it he waved it in the direction of his curtains which closed themselves. "Tell McGonagall I'm sick." He grumbled and pushed both hands beneath his pillow, burying his face into it and trying to re-capture the dream he had been brutally woken from.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: A little bit of romantic angst and a few hints of the War going on in this chapter. If you are wondering why Sirius is hiding the fact that he knows some Death Eaters, well, because he's related to some (Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix for example) there's very little chance that he would be unaware of the fact that they are working with Voldemort. It's not something I can imagine someone as intelligent as Sirius wouldn't work out, even as a boy. As for his relationship with Dorian, well, I needed a catalyst to force James to confront his own confused feelings and this is it. Enjoy! **

Chapter Six

"Mr Black, a word, please."

Sirius turned just as he was about to exit the class room, James gave him a look and Sirius waved him on. "Professor?" He faced McGonagall who gave him a very stern look, he tried to fix an innocent expression on his face but the teacher obviously saw straight through it.

"You skipped my class yesterday and I would like to know why." She said, moving to her desk and sitting down, indicating that Sirius do likewise.

"I was sick, professor." Sirius replied, smiling a little.

"Then why did Madam Pomfrey tell me she hadn't seen you?"

"Er...well, I didn't think she'd want to be bothered by it..."

McGonagall sighed heavily and began shuffling a stack of parchment. "Your grades have been exceedingly low this year." She said slowly, glancing up and giving him a piercing look. "I am aware that you have recently suffered a personal loss and so have been lenient on you but I have received complaints from several of your other teachers who appear to be very worried about you. I don't need to remind you that you will be sitting your NEWTS next year and that I was very, very impressed with your OWL results. Black, you are an intelligent boy, I know you are more than capable of doing the work set for you so why is it that you no longer appear to be trying?"

Sirius fiddled with his bag a moment before sighing heavily. "There's nothing wrong Professor, I'll try harder in future." He put on his best smile and saw McGonagall roll her eyes.

"Very well, Black, if I don't see an improvement soon I shall be forced to place you in detention. Now go and have some lunch."

Sirius stood and left the office quickly, James and the others were obviously already in the Great Hall so he took his time returning his bag to the common room and going the long way back down to the Hall for some food. He knew why his grades were slipping, it was because he was so preoccupied with James that he had little time for any other thoughts. It was stupid and slightly obsessive but he could no longer put the effort into his school work. He sighed, running a hand distractedly through his hair as he reached the top of the Marble Stair case where he came to an abrupt halt, he saw Regulus stood at the bottom with a group of friends, all laughing about something. Sirius didn't want to engage his brother in conversation, things had been difficult between them since he had left and they rarely so much as looked at each other, let alone spoke. With another heavy sigh he continued on down the stairs and pushed his way past the group of Slytherin's, as he reached the hall someone called his name and he turned to find Regulus standing behind him looking angry about something.

"Reg, to what do owe this great pleasure?" Sirius drawled, his eyes flicking towards the Slytherin's as his hand dipped into his pocket where they wrapped around the handle of his wand.

"I've had some time to think," Regulus began slowly.

"Oh well, hope you didn't hurt yourself." Sirius replied smoothly, smirking when a flash of irritation crossed his brothers face.

"Oh shut the fuck up, i'm not here to argue with you. I just wanted to make it clear that you are no longer my brother, mum and dad have disowned you and you've been disinherited. She blasted your name off the family tree."

"Good for her." Sirius turned and was about to walk away when his brother's hand gripped his upper arm.

"I also wanted to inform you that you broke her heart, she's been ill since you left and father's never been so furious. You've really messed up this time, Sirius, you've got no money, no home and no name...do you realise what has happened? You're alone now and its all your fault! You left and mum's made sure you'll never come back, you may as well be dead in our house!"

Sirius wrenched his arm free and stepped back, his face growing whiter as anger pulsed through his head like a headache. "I'm glad they finally got what they always wanted then! Why are you telling me all this? I know my situation, I knew the consequences when I left, who gives a flying fuck what mum wants or does? She never gave a fuck about me when I was there and I highly doubt she does now. Reg, you don't understand and I hope to Merlin you never do."

"I'm telling you this in the hopes that maybe you'd find a little bit of regret in there somewhere." Regulus sighed and shook his head. "Obviously you'll never repent...I just wish that-" He bit his bottom lip briefly, eyes wide before taking a deep breath and walking away, Sirius watched him go and released the grip on his wand before turning back to the Great Hall and entering it, despite the fact that he was no longer quite as hungry as he once was.

Once lessons were over for the day Sirius decided that he would try to keep his word to McGonagall and get some proper studying done so he left his friends in the common room and went to the library. It was well past curfew when he suddenly realised he was being forcefully ejected from the Library by an angry Madam Pince. He gathered his stuff and made it out of the room before the Librarian locked the doors behind him, he sighed and stuffed his books, parchment and quill back into his bag before swinging it over his shoulder and walking on. The corridors were quiet and he took his time, he enjoyed Hogwarts at night, there were no stares, no muttered insults, no laughter, just peace. He walked without really thinking about where he was going and it wasn't until a cool breeze ruffled his hair that he realised where he was, the Astronmy Tower. He saw that the door was open and he could smell the acrid scent of cigarette smoke drifting into the corridor, slowly he pushed the door open all the way and stepped out onto the tower. The wind caught at his hair, tugging it until he grabbed it in both hands and tied it back into a rough knot on the back of his head with a band. He blinked and saw, to his surprise, Dorian gazing at him curiously. "Hi." Sirius said a little awkwardly, stuffing one hand in his pocket and smiling a little.

"Hello." Dorian smiled, turned around and stubbed his cigarette out on the stone.

"I didn't mean to disturb you but this is where I usually go to think, didn't know anyone else used it except for romantic purposes."

"Its a nice place, I like the view." Dorian replied and turned to gaze out over the grounds of the school. "You're welcome to join me."

"Thanks." Sirius dropped his bag and moved to his side. "So...er...sorry about dumping you like that." He muttered, eyeing Dorian for any sign of anger or hurt, instead he was surprised to hear him laugh softly.

"It wasn't all that surprising, to be honest, I had a feeling that you weren't very interested in me."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologise, it's fine. I noticed that you were more interested in that friend of yours, what's his name?"

"Jamie?" Sirius blinked and turned shocked eyes on Dorian. "Am I that obvious?"

"Unfortunately." Dorian agreed, smirking a little as he opened a pack of cigarettes and lit one, he offered one to Sirius who took it. "How is it going between you two now? I heard you kissed."

"Well...that was a game, spin the bottle...we were both kind of drunk." Sirius allowed Dorian to light his own cigarette and blew a cloud of grey smoke from his lips in a soft sigh. "He's not really into me." He muttered, a frown marring his features.

"He's straight?"

"Supposedly, but then he kisses me and it...it gives me hope you know? He tells me he likes me and then doesn't let me get any closer to him...to be honest I'm so confused I'm not even sure if I want it to progress or not."

"He sounds like an idiot."

"No he's not!" Sirius said loudly, automatically jumping to James' defence, despite the fact that he had had thoughts along those same lines.

"Sirius, you've got it bad." Dorian said with a chuckle. "How long have you liked him?"

"For as long as we've known each other I think." Sirius sighed heavily, leaning on the low parapet and gazing out over the dark grounds. "I'm not even sure if he knows."

"Then tell him, it's not helping keeping it a secret. He's hurting you."

"Yeah, well, i'm used to pain. I'd die before ever confessing my feelings for him." Sirius said roughly, flicking the butt of his cigarette over the edge of the tower and watching it wink out of sight. "He's too special and I know exactly what he'll say if I did tell him the truth."

"And what would that be?"

Sirius looked Dorian in the eyes and smiled bitterly. " 'You know I love you, Sirius, but not in that way'..." He winced and shook his head. "Nah, i'd rather not hear those words spoken out loud, I don't need to. I know." He cleared his throat as it tightened briefly and took a breath, Dorian said nothing, merely holding out his packet of cigarettes and allowing Sirius to take another. As Dorian lit the end of it and blew out the match Sirius leaned forward and kissed him lightly, he pulled away and smiled. "Thanks."

Dorian smiled back, took hold of Sirius around the waist and brought him back to his lips. "We could have some fun, you and I."

"You think so?" Sirius replied, eyes glittering a little.

"Maybe, you want to give it a try? Maybe your friend will realise what an idiot he's been when he sees you with me."

Sirius cocked his head to the side, the plan had potential. "You know what? I reckon you're right."

XXX

"Did you hear the latest gossip?" Peter panted as he caught up with James in the corridor after break. James shook his head and looked at him curiously. "I heard Mary telling one of her friends that Filch caught Sirius and that Dorian bloke at it in a broom cupboard! I thought Sirius had dumped him!"

James stopped, causing Peter to walk into him. "Sirius and Dorian are together?"

"Sounds like it."

"But I thought-" James shook his head. "Bastard. Why didn't he tell me?"

"Dunno, maybe he didn't want to?" Peter replied, seeing James' face fall into a frown. "You know it could be just rumours..."

"There's no smoke without fire." James muttered irritably and hefted his bag further onto his shoulder. "I don't like that Dorian, he's probably just using Sirius."

"Or maybe he's ok and happy?" Peter suggested half heartedly as James snorted derisively and walked on.

"No, there's something going on here and I want to know what it is."

Sirius came out of detention grumbling furiously, he had been forced to scrub every broom cupboard in the school and his hands felt sore and dry. He cursed softly to himself as he waited for Dorian to catch up to him, when he did he slid his hand into his and they walked slowly through the school. "You know what? I reckon this plan of ours is going to back fire." Sirius said, gazing at his red hand and wincing a little as he closed it and re-opened it several times.

"I think we nearly gave Filch a heart attack." Dorian giggled, tugging Sirius to his side and wrapping an arm around his waist. "It was worth it though, you have an amazingly talented tongue."

"I have had a lot of practice." Sirius winked and let Dorian drag him into a brief kiss. "Mm, maybe we should christen that cupboard on the fifth floor? I'm pretty sure it was roomy enough to have a bit of fun in."

Dorian laughed and dragged Sirius down a flight of stairs.

James, hidden beneath the Invisibility cloak, watched as Dorian dragged Sirius into a nearby cupboard, he heard laughter and something heavy hit the floor before the giggles died off to be replaced by a heavy moan. His stomach twisted viciously, he felt hot and cold all over as he realised that the rumours were right and that Sirius was apparently seeing Dorian. He hated to admit it but he was jealous, he had never even considered that Sirius might find someone else but here he was, having an illicit relationship and he had not even bothered to tell James about it. Anger flared in his chest and faded to leave behind an awful, cold spot that was somehow worse than anything else. He felt alone, abandoned and hurt. Slowly he turned away and left the two alone, trying to convince himself that he was just pissed off that Sirius hadn't told him but unable to.

XXX

The laughter, chatter and talk was loud in the Great Hall that morning. James took his usual spot beside Sirius and between Remus and Peter. He pulled a plate towards himself and began piling on food, Sirius was in deep conversation with Peter and Remus was reading that mornings paper when suddenly he hissed air through his teeth. James looked up, eyes flicking towards the paper then back up to Remus again. "Bad News?"

Remus nodded and looked around the Hall before shuffling closer. "There's been a new spate of murders." He muttered, causing Sirius and Peter to lean closer to listen in. "A family of Muggles were caught in the cross fire when Death Eater's attacked their Wizarding neighbours. They had a three year old son and a five year old daughter."

James picked up the paper and read the article, wincing a little before putting it aside. "Why can't they catch these sick bastards?" He asked, shaking his head.

"Because they're disguised and very clever and very powerful." Sirius replied, reaching over and stealing a piece of James' toast. "It's not easy, catching people like that."

"How do you know that?" James asked suddenly and watched Sirius' face pale a little, he averted his eyes and looked down at his half-empty plate.

"You know why." He whispered, picking up his goblet and taking a sip of pumpkin juice. "I've met people...you know what my family are like."

"You've met some Death Eaters?!" James' eyes widened and he pushed his glasses further up onto his nose as he leaned forward. "You should tell someone!"

Sirius choked on his drink, nearly spitting it down his front. "No!" He gasped, looking at James as if he had grown another head. "I never said I knew names and even if I did, i'd be murdered if I so much as hinted that I knew people! I'm not an idiot."

"But if you don't tell someone..."

"I'll live to a ripe old age." Sirius put down his goblet and returned to his stolen toast. "Drop it Jamie, if i'm not going to give this info to the Ministry i'm certainly not going to tell you. You're in enough danger just being who you are, you don't want to make yourself more of a target. We're Pureblood's, we're a lot safer than many people here, lets keep it that way."

Remus shifted in his seat, a frown marring his forehead and suddenly, as if he could no longer keep silent, he spoke. "That is some of the most selfish tripe I have ever heard, Sirius Black!" He hissed furiously, causing Sirius to jump a little at this sudden display of intense emotion from his normally reticent friend.

"What?"

"By keeping those names quiet you are putting lots of people in serious danger! Not only unknown people but people like me, people who are half-blood and muggleborn! People who are considered lower class or worse...and you call yourself a Bloodtraitor?! You are more like your family than you let on, Black. You're disgusting."

Sirius sat in silence for a long moment, blinking at the sudden outburst, people from all along the table turned to stare curiously. James unfroze himself and grabbed Sirius' hand before it could drop into his pocket, he held onto him firmly. "Sirius, he's right." He said, forcing Sirius to look into his eyes. "This isn't some stupid little prank here, it's actual human lives we're talking about! You have to tell someone what you know!"

Sirius tore his arm free and stood up, his face twisted in fury. "I am_ nothing_ like my family!" He growled. "If I told someone we'd all die! If I told anyone what I know they wouldn't even get arrested, do you understand that? These people have ways of masking themselves, of making themselves untouchable by the law! For fucks sake, if I knew that i'd be taken seriously I would have told everyone I knew who could help but it won't make a fucking difference because i'm just a disowned pureblood brat with no credibility! I'd be laughed at and then, when I was alone, I'd be fucking dead and so would you all! They murder for fun, they're sick, twisted and they would kill you simply because we're close. I will never, ever put any of you in danger like that!" With that he stormed away, leaving an uncomfortable silence in his wake.

"When he puts it like that it makes sense." James said finally as he turned back to his breakfast which he didn't really have the stomach for any more. Remus had fallen silent and was frowning at the Entrance Hall door where Sirius had disappeared. "He's scared for us and who can blame him? We're all in danger, the second we step outside the School gates. He's only trying his best to protect us."

"But is it the right thing to do?" Remus asked finally, turning to James and shaking his head. "I just feel that by hiding this information he is only causing more harm."

"Maybe, but it's a difficult situation to be in. I have a feeling that he knows some of these people because they're related to him, they would know every intimate detail of his life and know exactly who to hurt to get to him. Don't be too hard on him, we're all scared."

Remus sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes. "Yes, you are right of course."

"When are you going to forgive him, Moony?" James asked suddenly as they stood up.

"I don't know, James. I just...I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore."

James stopped and allowed a group of first year girls to step in front of him before speaking, "You know he'd die for any of us, right? He's got a lot of problems but if Sirius is one thing, it's loyal. You can't go through life without taking a little risk, try trusting him again and let him prove to you how much he still cares."

Remus smiled doubtfully. "I will try."

James clapped him on the shoulder and grinned. "Excellent, now, what's our first lesson?"


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Yes, this time James is genuinely being a dick, lol. But he's only human and we all say/do stupid shit when emotions are involved. Thank you all so much for the kind words, they keep me really motivated and help me enjoy writing again. **

Chapter Seven

"Mr. Black, please pay attention." Slughorn sighed as he passed Sirius and James' table where they were having a fast, whispered discussion. Sirius looked up and realised his cauldron was smoking and the ingredients burning, producing a horrible, cloying scent.

"Oh bugger!" He leapt to his feet and put out the fire beneath it, swearing profusely as he coughed on the fumes. "Eugh, that is disgusting!"

James snorted loudly and earned himself a glare from Sirius. "You were supposed to add Hellebore and then stir clockwise, idiot."

"Ha-ha." Sirius replied, vanishing his ruined potion and flopping elegantly back into his seat.

"Why, Miss Evans, perfect as ever!" Slughorn could be heard gushing even over the soft mutterings of the students in his class.

"I should have taken Divination, at least it'd probably be more of a laugh." Sirius muttered, smoothing out his hair as he checked his reflection in his silver knife. "Still, it may come in handy knowing how to brew poisons...you never know when someone might piss you off enough."

"Like you'd have the guts to kill someone." James retorted, stirring his own potion that looked sickly green and was a little too thick. "I think I messed up somewhere, Sirius, let me see your notes a second."

Sirius handed over his notes and began absently playing with the knife, carving his initials into the desk. "I dunno, I reckon if someone pushed me. Let's be honest here, I haven't got the most self control, have I? I mean, what would it take to push me that far? I don't think it'd be much. Hell, I even considered poisoning my mother on more than one occasion."

"Yeah, except you didn't, did you? And she pushed you as far as you can push a person." James replied, frowning at the notes written in Sirius' exquisite handwriting. "Oh bollocks, I stirred the wrong way." He sighed and tried to rectify his mistake.

"Do you really think I'm incapable of murder?" Sirius asked James who began chopping up some roots and adding them to his potion.

"Yes."

"Then you don't know me very well." Sirius replied softly, leaning on his hand as he embellished his initials on the desk.

"Why are we even discussing this? You're not going to murder anyone."

"Maybe, maybe not." Sirius sat back and looked around the class room. He spotted Snape bent studiously over his potion which was exuding perfect waves of yellow-tinged steam. He lifted his wand, hiding it carefully under the table before checking that Slughorn was well away from them before a smirk crossed his face.

James leapt out of his skin as there was a loud crashing noise, he turned around to find Snape standing by his cauldron which looked as if it had upended itself all over him. Slowly James turned and found Sirius laughing silently into his hand, he grinned too and saw Slughorn rush over and force an antidote down Snape's throat in case he had accidentally ingested any of his potion. "Nice one." James murmured and Sirius' grin widened.

XXX

Another day, another news paper and more tragedy. Sirius, Peter, James and Remus all stood in the Entrance Hall as two girls, sisters, were lead out by their Aunt in tears. "Muggleborns." James whispered, his hands clenching at his sides, he felt Sirius lean heavily on him and their fingers found each other without either of them really noticing. "Elena and Sandra, right?"

"Yes, they were both sorted into Hufflepuff." Remus replied hoarsely, he still had the Daily Prophet clutched in his hand where they had read about the sad deaths of the girls parents.

"They shouldn't be taken out of school, they're in far more danger out there. We've got Dumbledore." Sirius said quietly, watching the two girls escorted from the premises. "It's just stupid. They'll die, just like their parents." Sirius detached himself from James turned away, he was wearing an extremely dark look on his face that made Peter share a nervous glance with Remus. "Don't they understand whose out there?" He waved his arm vaguely in the direction of the school gates. "Do they think that being children will stop them? What's worse is that they've been to Hogwarts, they know how to use their powers now. They can't even hide in the muggle world."

"Are you ok, Sirius?" Peter asked tentatively and received a dark glare from him, one that made him squint at the floor.

"No, I'm not ok." He muttered and walked away towards the marble stair case.

"Sirius, in all likely hood they will be fine. Perhaps their aunt will take them out of the country." Remus said, attempting weakly to ease Sirius' mind.

"And what difference is that going to make in the end? It won't stop more murders, will it? People will still die."

"You're taking this rather personally." Remus said.

"Of course I am!" Sirius spun around furiously, his hands clenched so hard that his knuckles were white. "The people doing the murdering are people like me; _Purebloods_! They're people who think that because they have an old name it makes them better than everyone else...and you know what's worse, Moony?" Sirius took a breath, "What's worse is that it could so easily have been me out there, wearing a mask and taking lives!" His voice hitched a little, revealing the depths of his terror before he clamped his mouth shut and lowered his head.

"But it's not." James said quietly, causing Sirius to look at him. "Look mate, being a murdering scumbag isn't hereditary, it's something someone chooses to do. You _chose_ to be here with us, you _chose_ to leave your family and become someone different. _You are not like them_." He watched these words sink in before reaching up and dragging Sirius into an embrace. "I promise you, Sirius, even if it was in the blood, I would stop you. And i'd be in just as much danger as you would of turning into a nut case, we're brothers in blood too, remember that."

Sirius buried his face in James' hair and gripped his robes tightly.

XXX

It was dark outside the common room windows, James, Remus and Peter were all bent over books, reading and taking notes when suddenly James looked up to see Sirius walking towards the portrait hole. "Sirius, where are you going?"

"I'm meeting Dorian." Sirius replied, smiling a little and James noticed that he was wearing muggle clothing for the first time, normally he tended to have worn very old fashioned muggle clothes and only when he was catching the Hogwarts express and wasn't able to wear robes.

"Where did you get those clothes?" Peter asked, gaping like a fish out of water.

Sirius put both his arms out and turned around to give everyone a proper look. "I ordered them from a muggle magazine with Mary's help. Nice, aren't they?" He was wearing flared denim jeans that hugged his arse tightly, revealing curves James was unaware he even had. Beneath a leather jacket was a plain black satin shirt that was unbuttoned to reveal a low hanging pendant, James shook his head slightly as if to clear it before smiling a little stiffly. "Well?" A slightly worried look crossed Sirius' face but he relaxed when James managed to force his smile into something more natural.

"You look great." He said with more feeling than he had intended, causing Remus to cast him a sideways glance. Sirius' face brightened and he waved at his friends.

"I'll see you later, don't wait up." He called over his shoulder as he disappeared through the portrait hole.

"Where did he get the money for that?" Peter asked, returning to his homework with a sigh.

"You didn't know? His Uncle left him loads of gold, Dumbledore called him up to his office yesterday so he could talk to some bloke from the Ministry." James replied, hardly able to get the mental image of Sirius' arse out of his head. Finally he slammed his book closed and slumped back in his seat, glaring at the fire. "I'm done, I can't concentrate anymore."

XXX

"You look amazing in Muggle clothes, Black." Dorian muttered against Sirius' lips as he dipped his tongue between them and smirked as he elicited a soft groan in response. He slid the flat of his palm down Sirius' chest until he reached his groin, he squeezed gently, making Sirius buck against his hand, lifting half his body from against the wall he was pressed into. Sirius muttered something incomprehensible as he tilted his head, running his tongue slowly over Dorian's stubble roughened jaw. "Mm, I want to rip these jeans off of you..." Dorian whispered, unbuttoning Sirius' jeans as he spoke and pushing his hands into the little space left. He groaned loudly, nipping at Sirius' ear. "You're not wearing underwear."

"Thought you'd like that...Merlin, just fucking touch me already!" Sirius found himself turned around, his face pressed into the rough stone of the wall before his sluggish mind caught up with the situation. "Woah, hold on." He slithered from Dorian's grasp, panting a little as he looked at him. "What are you trying to do?"

"I thought you wanted to fuck?" Dorian frowned in confusion.

Sirius smiled slightly, "Sorry, I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression but I...I'm still..."

"A virgin?" Dorian's eyes widened incredulously. "I'd never have guessed."

"Yeah, well, it's not something I like to spread around."

Dorian smirked deviously and took hold of Sirius' hands, he threaded their fingers together and leaned in for another deep kiss, when he pulled away again he pressed his forehead to Sirius'. "Do you want to try it?"

"What? You mean real sex?" Sirius bit down on his lower lip and considered, which was difficult as his hormones were in over drive and Dorian wasn't exactly helping by kissing his throat like that. "Uh...Merlin...H-hold on a sec, I need to-mmm-I need to think...Dorian..." Sirius' protests died on his lips as Dorian pushed him back against the wall and began massaging his erection through his jeans. "Oh fucking hell, D-dorian P-please..." He gasped as Dorian's free hand slid down the back of his trousers and into the crack of his buttocks. "Hey, w-wait a bloody minute-" He was cut off once again by another deep, probing kiss that sent heat shooting through his body.

"Just relax, I'll make it feel good."

"Dorian, get off of me!" Sirius pushed against Dorian's chest and, for a brief second, felt terror rip through him as he thought Dorian wouldn't let him go. Finally he did, stepping back, his face flushed with excitement and an inquisitive look on his face. "Look, I know this is awkward but i'm not ready for that kind of thing yet." Sirius said firmly, wishing suddenly that he hadn't left his wand back in the dorm.

Dorian sighed and ran a hand through his tousled hair, "No, i'm sorry, I got carried away. I should have stopped when you first said..." He scrunched his nose for a second before deflating and smiling. "Is it James again?"

Sirius flushed and looked away. "Sorry."

"Maybe you're saving yourself for no reason?"

"Maybe but there's no one else." He smiled softly at Dorian and slid awkwardly down the wall to sit on the hard floor. "He's...he's my life, you know? He doesn't know it but he's saved me in so many ways I can't even count. It might be stupid and petty seeming but he's the only one I want to get that intimate with." He shrugged as Dorian joined him on the floor and lit a cigarette, sharing it with Sirius so that a grey cloud hung about their heads. "I'm sorry, Dorian...if it weren't for James I really wouldn't have any hesitation."

"I think I understand..." Dorian took a deep drag and grinned suddenly. "But that doesn't mean we have to let this night go to waste." He leaned towards Sirius and kissed him deeply, this time there were no protests.

When Sirius returned to the dorm it was very late, he had expected everyone to be asleep so when he saw James sat up in bed with a book in his lap and his wand lit he was surprised. "So, did you do it?"

Sirius stilled his beating heart and moved to his own bed where he quietly rummaged in his trunk for his pyjamas. "Do what?" He asked, attempting nonchalance but failing miserably.

"Did you let him fuck you?" James' voice was brittle but he couldn't hide it so he didn't bother. He was unreasonably angry, he had no idea just how much Sirius' relationship with Dorian was affecting him until now.

"What's it to you?" Sirius retorted, straightening up and turning to look at James.

"Nothing, I just...I just think he's using you."

"Nonsense." Sirius snorted, waving his hand airily and sitting on his bed, he began stripping his clothes off, horribly aware of James' intense gaze burning into his skin.

"He just wants you for your looks, its so obvious."

Sirius paused in the middle of removing his jeans and frowned at James. "No, he doesn't, he likes being with me."

"Oh come on, Sirius, stop being so stupid! Why else would anyone want to get with you?" James froze as he realised what he had just said, the room seemed to grow very, very cold and he swallowed a tight lump that had formed in his throat. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Didn't mean it?" Sirius laughed humourlessly, his voice as cold as the lake in winter and his silver eyes narrowed furiously. His voice dropped to a harsh whisper as he tried to avoid shouting and waking his sleeping dorm mates. "Fuck off, Potter! Is that all you think about me? Is that why you've been kissing me all this time, for my looks?! There's more to me than that and Dorian sees it, even if you don't!" He moved with the rapidity of a striking snake and before James knew it he was pushed roughly into the mattress, his book fell to the floor with a thud and he found himself looking up into furious grey eyes. Sirius leaned down and captured James' mouth with his own, one hand on his face, holding him still, despite the fact that he wasn't struggling. "Come on then, Potter, if all I am to you is a fuckable face then do it! Take me now while you have the chance and then you can go back to Evans knowing you've shagged the prettiest bloke in our year!" Roughly he seized James' hand and held it against his crotch, covering it with his own. "If all I am is good looks then you'll have no problems shagging me and then ditching me in the morning, isn't that what you reckon Dorian's going to do?" He kissed James again, hissing through gritted teeth, his eyes unnaturally bright in the gloom. "Did you know that Dorian's got a huge cock? Yeah, it really hurt the first time we fucked but now I can't get enough of it. Because hey, sex is all i'm good for so its all good. I'm just a doll, a pretty little thing you can use and then never play with again...dolls don't have feelings, they don't care what you do to them. So come on, what are you waiting for?" Sirius kissed him again, James ripped his hands free of him and shoved them roughly into his hair as he rolled him onto his back, Sirius' eyes shone overly brightly as he looked up at James through the curtain of his own hair, his breathing was heavy and James couldn't fail to notice his lack of arousal.

"You're an idiot, Black." James whispered harshly, watching as Sirius' chest hitched painfully. "If I wanted to hurt you that badly i'd have done it by now." He slid off of Sirius and sat at the end of his bed, pushing one hand into his hair with a heavy sigh. "I didn't mean what I said, I'm just worried about you." He paused and looked over to see Sirius wiping his face on his arm, he looked away again, feeling horribly ashamed of his outburst. "Did you really have sex?" He asked tentatively, he glanced once again at Sirius who seemed to have regained his composure.

"Why are you so interested?" Sirius replied blankly, sitting up slowly so that his hair slid over his shoulders and James could see his face screwed up slightly in pain. "It shouldn't matter to you who I shag, it's n-none of your business!"

"I...I think I'm jealous." James replied so quietly that Sirius had to listen very hard, slowly the words sank through the fog of misery that had clouded his mind and pierced him like a bolt of sunlight.

"W-what?" Sirius' eyes widened, hope making them sparkle.

"Yeah, I don't like Dorian because he's allowed to touch you...I just...I know i'm being the worlds biggest prat but I just hate the idea of you being with anyone else!"

"James, are you saying that you want to-to be with me?"

"I don't know yet but maybe...maybe it'd be worth trying?" James looked up nervously and saw Sirius thinking over his words. Slowly Sirius moved until he was sat by James' side, he stroked hair from his eyes and leaned in, kissing him on the lips and drawing away again.

"James, i'm yours, forever." He whispered and felt joy sear him to his very core as strong arms wrapped themselves around him and held him impossibly tightly. Their lips met again, their tongues tangling as Sirius fell back against James' pillows, surrounded by his scent and feeling as if he had died and gone to heaven.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Eight

Beginning a relationship with Sirius Black wasn't entirely what James had expected, not that he had known what to expect but this certainly wasn't it. Sirius had become almost like an entirely different person, he was bubbling over with happiness and what was strangest was that all he seemed to want to do was hold hands and kiss, not that James was complaining he enjoyed it just as much as Sirius seemed to. Only one thing marred this new and exciting endeavour and that was the fact that Sirius kept trying to get him to go public with their relationship, James understood why but he found himself unable to. He was scared of the repercussions of such an announcement and, although he tried to deny it, he was worried about the effect it would have on his burgeoning friendship with Lily. They stole secret moments, finding abandoned corridors, empty class rooms and even broom cupboards to hide in and do little more than kiss and explore each other. James tended to come away from these encounters with raging erections that he failed to hide from Sirius who insisted he poke fun at him for it, but it was nice and sweet and simple. James was still plagued by doubt and more than a little fear that having romantic relations with his best friend would one day destroy their friendship but he couldn't stop, not when Sirius' tongue was fighting with his, not when Sirius' frantic hands were everywhere at once and not when they lay together at night, holding each other and giggling under their breaths. He was stuck and a part of him loved it but another, much darker part insisted that he was doing the wrong thing, that he was with the wrong person.

Sirius encountered Dorian a few days later at the Astronomy Tower, he bounded over to him and leaned against the parapet and took a deep lungful of bright Spring time air. "Our plan worked, Dorian!" He said with barely suppressed glee, he turned a bright, infectious smile on his friend and grabbed his arm tightly. "James was really jealous and he told me! We're kind of seeing each other now, isn't that great?"

"That's wonderful." Dorian said, smiling a little at Sirius' excitement.

"I just wish I had some way to repay you, you've been a great help. You listened to me when I had no one else, thank you."

"It's not a problem, Sirius. I like you a lot and I enjoy seeing you happy."

Sirius laughed brightly, tipping his head back and smiling into the setting sun. "Dorian, James is so amazing...I saw it before but now its ten times more visible. He's like the sun! Ah, I can't get enough of him."

Dorian's smile was a little stiff but he allowed Sirius to talk about James for a while and just enjoyed watching him smile.

"I feel like i'm constantly drunk but also a little like i'm dreaming but I never want to wake up from this, it's too good. I don't care if we never take it any further, I just want him to see me as more than just a friend, you know? He's a good kisser too, which is always a bonus." He smirked a little before sighing wistfully. "Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I hope there's someone out there for you who makes you feel the same way James makes me feel." He turned to leave but was halted by Dorian's hand on his arm.

"Wait a second, there's something I wanted to tell you."

Sirius waited, gazing at Dorian expectantly, suddenly he heard voices on the stairs and realised that he recognised a few of them, a frown marred his face as he turned to Dorian who was smiling. "What's going on?" Sirius asked, dipping his hand into his pocket and gripping his wand tightly. "Is this some sort of trap?" He backed away a couple of steps from Dorian who looked confused.

"No, of course its not! I just wanted to make you a little proposal, you said you wanted to repay me, so just hear me out, ok?"

Sirius hesitated as the voices drew closer, finally he nodded assent as several boys reached the Tower. When they saw Sirius several of them sneered, Sirius matched their expressions with one of his own. "What's this bloodtraitor doing here?" Avery hissed angrily as he moved to Dorian's side.

"Bloodtraitor? I'm sorry, I don't know what that means." Dorian replied with genuine confusion.

"They mean me. I'm supposedly a Bloodtraitor because I refused to follow the family line of 'Pureblood is power'." Sirius replied with disdain. "They seem to think that that makes me a bad person, I think they're wrong. Dorian, what is this about? Why are you hanging out with trash like this?" He met Dorian's eyes that were suddenly glowing with a rapturous excitement.

"You must have heard of the Death Eaters? They've been in the papers lately."

"Yes." Sirius said slowly, hoping this wasn't going where he thought it was.

Avery, Mulciber and their friends all watched the discussion intently, as if curious to see what would happen. Sirius didn't dare let his guard down. Dorian, however, began pacing up and down rapidly as he began talking. "Well, I didn't know about them until Avery here spoke to me, he said that they're trying to bring in a new era where Wizarding Kind no longer have to live in hiding, where we can finally move without fear of being ostracised and murdered by the Muggles for simply being who we are. He said that there was this man, a man who calls himself The Dark Lord who wants to end the Ministry and return us to power."

"I'm aware." Sirius muttered, his insides turning to ice as he realised that they had got to Dorian. "But-" Dorian continued as if he hadn't spoken, that gleam in his eye giving Sirius chills, he had seen it before on the face of his little brother.

"Don't you think it's a good idea? We've been in hiding throughout Europe for too long, if this Dark Lord really does what he intends then we no longer have to fear for our safety, the safety of our families or anything! We can return to the power we once had."

"Dorian, do you realise what the Dark Lord is doing in pursuit of his ideals?" Sirius asked softly, he stepped forward and held out his free hand imploringly. "He's a murderer! Nothing more than a selfish, evil, cruel murderer! He's already had numerous people killed, he's psychotic. What about all those Muggleborns and Half-blood's who have already been killed? What about their families and friends?"

"You see, I told you it was pointless. Black's got a reputation for being a soft hearted muggle-lover." Avery sneered and Sirius sent him a heated glare.

"There's going to be casualties, Sirius, this is war. You need to see the bigger picture here, you and I have a lot in common, we're both purebloods and if we help we can increase the chances of our survival and that of our friends. It's not going to do any good fighting this, The Dark Lord is too powerful, the Ministry have no chance of winning. Why don't you join us? We're going to sign up for the Death Eater's when we've left school. It's such a good cause."

Sickness filled Sirius' stomach and twisted it until he could taste bile. "You sound like my brother." He whispered. "I failed him, you know? I didn't try to talk him out of his stupidity but you..." He paused and sighed heavily, rubbing at his eyes. "Dorian, please, see sense here! You don't know what you're getting into. Some of my best friends are Half-blood and Muggleborn, why would I consign them to death? I'm not going to join the Death Eaters, and neither should you!"

"I told you." Avery muttered again, shrugging and withdrawing his wand. "He's a lost cause, Dorian, he's signed his own death warrant. When the Dark Lord's most loyal find out about his choices he's going to die with his precious Mudblood friends."

"You're a nice bloke, Dorian." Sirius said softly, ignoring Avery's taunts and his wand which was now pointed at his face. "Just listen to what you're saying. Would you be the cause of the deaths of thousands? There are muggles out there who are dying and they don't even know why! Their are kids being murdered and your here spouting some random shite you've been told to say by these idiots? I thought you had more common sense than this." He shook his head and suddenly his wand was in his outstretched hand and was pointing directly at Avery and his friends. "Say one fucking word and I'll make you regret opening your fat mouths!" He growled, eyes narrowing and a few sparks flying from the tip of his wand.

"Like you could stand up against all of us, Black! You're not that good."

"I'm better than you, Avery! Stand down now or you'll be choking on your own lying snakes tongue!" As he spoke the sun set, staining the sky the colour of blood.

"You're going to die, Black and I hope it's me who has the pleasure of ending your miserable life!" Avery hissed softly, slowly beginning to circle Sirius who watched him through narrowed eyes.

"Get in line, there's quite a few people who want my head and one of them is as close to your Dark Lord as you can get." Sirius smirked nastily as Avery hesitated. "Yeah, thought that'd make you think."

"It doesn't matter, either way you're dead meat. Got any last words before I curse your brain into mush?"

Sirius turned to Dorian who was watching with a confused expression. "Don't do it, Dorian, its not worth risking your soul for a corrupt fools ideal." He whispered and, with impressive speed, blocked Avery's first spell.

XXX

James was studying when Sirius entered the common room covered in scratches and sporting a broken wrist. He leapt to his feet and rushed over just in time to catch Sirius before he fell on his face, he put an arm around his waist and hauled him into a nearby seat. People began moving over to have a look and ask questions but suddenly they all backed off as Lily Evans pushed her way through the crowd and took in the damage with one sweep of her green eyes. "You need the Hospital Wing, Black." She announced sternly.

"Nah, i'm fine. Just a bit beat up." Sirius said, trying to smile but wincing violently instead as his hand throbbed.

"That wrist is most definitely broken." Lily replied. "If you don't get it fixed it'll become a problem. Here, if you won't go to Pomfrey let me." She knelt down and gently took his hand in her own, all the while James watched her with a small frown. She pointed her wand at Sirius' wrist and there was a loud crack, Sirius cried out, stifling it with his uninjured hand and biting down hard on the flesh as tears of pain stung his eyes. "There, it should be ok now but don't put too much strain on it or it won't heal right." She stood up, brushing herself down and giving Sirius a curious look. "How did you do it?"

Sirius shrugged. "I got into a fight." He said and stood up. "And now i'm tired, thanks for the help." He walked away, followed closely by James who was soon joined by Remus and Peter.

"So? What really happened?" James asked the second they had closed the dorm door.

"It was Avery and his cronies. I got cornered up on the Astronomy Tower when I went up there to er...talk to Dorian." He looked away briefly as James' eyes narrowed. "We're over, I ended it." He assured him, smiling weakly. "But it turns out he was trying to recruit me." He moved and sat on his bed with a heavy sigh. "He wanted me to join the Death Eaters...I said no and Avery attacked me. I gave as good as I got, Mulciber won't be talking properly for a week and I hit someone else with a curse so he'll be out of action for a while, eventually though I was overwhelmed. I'm out of practice in duelling, especially more than one opponent at a time." He blew hair from his eyes and lay back with a wide yawn. "Nice of Evans healing me though." He added as an after thought.

"Next time, Sirius, call me." James muttered weakly, lowering himself onto Sirius' bed and watching him. "We don't have to face these things alone."

"Yeah, well, I didn't really have time but next time..." Sirius smiled brightly. "Next time i'll call you, James."

"Good."

XXX

Avery and a few of his friends weren't in class for the next week or so and Sirius became the hero of Gryffindor common room as they celebrated an astounding victory over Slytherin. Sirius however, wasn't quite so happy, he and Dorian hadn't even seen each other since their talk and now he was afraid for him. He and his friends spent more and more of their time studying as their workload increased, summer came with a sultry heat and they spent every ounce of free time outside under their favourite tree surrounded by books, ink and parchment stacks. Many other Sixth Years were also working feverishly, despite the fact that they didn't have any exams, the teacher's were putting their noses to the grindstone and on one or two occasions it made a few students have nervous breakdowns. One evening Marlene McKinnon, a girl Sirius and his friends knew through Mary, came over and asked them if they could help her with her Divination Homework.

"I'm doing some Palmistry and the teacher wants me to make a table of a few people's fortunes for tomorrow's lesson, would you be up for it?" She smiled hopefully around at them all until they shrugged and acquiesced. Sirius stuck out his hand as if she was going to jab him with something sharp and closed his eyes. "Ooh, well, this is interesting." She began, consulting a book in her lap.

"What?" Sirius asked nervously, opening an eye and looking at her warily.

"Your Heart Line indicates that you're very loyal in love, to the point where you would throw your life away if that person was in a position to demand such drastic measures." Sirius glanced at James who lifted an eyebrow curiously before Marlene continued. "You don't have many emotional bonds but those you do have are deep and extremely strong, you haven't had any serious romantic relationships and are loyal to only one person." She smiled and once again James smiled to himself. "And now your life line...oh." Marlene's face darkened, her eyes lifting to Sirius' who snatched his hand away as if she had burnt him.

"I know." He muttered, brushing hair from his eyes.

"But its so short!" Marlene said, eyes wide.

"Divination is a cart load of horse shit, Marlene."

"Not all the time, sometimes-"

"Exactly, it could be meaningless." Sirius straightened his shoulders defensively.

"Does that mean Sirius is going to die young?" Peter asked in surprise.

"It might do, although palmistry has been known to be imprecise." Marlene replied.

"What does mine say?" James demanded, holding out his hand eagerly. Marlene took one look at his palm and giggled.

"You have a soul mate!" She sang, clapping her hands happily.

"Who? Can you tell?" Sirius asked and ignored James' sharp look.

"It'll be someone with a heart line exactly like his." Marlene replied smugly.

Sirius looked at his palm and sighed, "What else does it say?" James insisted.

"Well, you've got another short life-line, very odd. You love deeply, you're strong willed and not easily swayed in any matter-"

"Stubborn." Remus and Sirius chorused, chucking at James' glare.

"You love deeply and fiercely but you're pretty level headed about emotions, unlike Sirius who wears his heart on his sleeve. You're loyal, again and would do anything for your friends. Its quite a good line that one." Marlene moved away and smiled. "Anyone else?" She looked at Remus who shook his head rapidly and then Peter who also refused. "Ah well, oh, there's Lily, I'll ask her." She stood up and drifted away, leaving James and Sirius to consider their fortunes.

They sat in silence for a long while before Sirius sighed heavily and shut his book. "My family aren't known for being particularly long lived...maybe it's hereditary?" He said quietly.

"Maybe, it'd make sense." James looked at his own palm angrily. "Mines even shorter than yours for crying out loud!"

"That's depressing." Sirius replied with a sigh.

"You do realise that it's nonsense, don't you?" Remus said, smirking a little.

"Says the guy who refused to have his palm read." Sirius countered, smirking deviously. "Maybe you've got some big secret you don't want us knowing?"

"You already know my big secret." Remus whispered, "And Marlene doesn't."

"Oh, yeah...sorry."

"It's fine." Remus returned to his book, leaving an awkward silence behind.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: So, a new chapter! In this one things begin to heat up between James and Sirius, it's nothing too graphic because I didn't feel it was right yet but its ok...I hope. Lol. Anyway, more reminders that there is a war going on outside and a little werewolf animosity, just to show the bond between them all. I hope you enjoy and thank you so, so much for your reviews, I read them all and they make me smile.**

Chapter Nine

"Did you hear about the Werewolves who attacked those kids in the park?"

"Yeah, I heard they killed two of them and the other two are in St. Mungos."

"Werewolves are disgusting, what kind of creatures would do that?"

Sirius looked sideways at Remus who was leaning low over his parchment, however his quill wasn't moving. "Come on, let's go outside, I'm bored." He said, making James look up from the book he was absorbed in and blink blearily at him.

"But we've still got our Charms homework to do." Peter said.

"It can wait. Let's go." Sirius stood up and stuffed his things into his bag. "It's too hot in here."

James looked over at the group of girls who had been discussing the latest tragedy that had appeared in the newspaper. His eyes cleared and he seemed to understand, he glanced at Remus and stood up, putting a gentle hand on his arm. "Come on, mate, let's get some air."

Slowly Remus stood, his hands shaking almost imperceptibly as James and Sirius put away his things. They guided him out of the Library and down the stairs towards the school grounds, James, Peter and Sirius walked slowly, allowing Remus to go at his own pace as they neared the doors to the Entrance Hall. They kept shooting him wary glances until suddenly he sighed heavily. "I'm not made of china, I won't break that easily." He muttered.

"We weren't-" James began but Remus cut him off with a small, tried smile.

"It's fine, James. I'm used to it. You don't have to guard me all the time, you know?"

"We were just worried." Sirius said, putting an arm around Remus' shoulders. "I know what its like to face hatred every day, it's exhausting."

"Thank you." Remus replied, breathing deeply as they finally reached the warm outside air. "I am actually feeling a little better now."

"Good." James grinned brightly, messing up his hair as he stepped out into the sunshine.

They lounged outside for a few hours, enjoying the sun and heat. Sirius lay on the grass, his head resting in James' lap as he yawned and played idly with his wand. James was leaning back on his hands and watching some girls by the lake who were paddling and laughing in the shallows, he sighed wistfully as one girl splashed another. Sirius opened an eye and followed his gaze before spotting Lily Evans. He shifted, moving away from his friend and flopping down in the shade once again, his back firmly to James who didn't seem to notice as a frown deepened his brow.

Remus looked up from the book he was reading as shouts echoed across the grounds, he watched as two boys stood before Lily, their voices raised and their words clear.

"You're a filthy Mudblood, you shouldn't even be in this school! You're ruining it for others, go home where you belong, bitch."

James was on his feet before anyone could speak, he whipped out his wand and began marching towards the people by the Lake. Suddenly he stopped as Lily laughed loudly and turned her back on the boys, there was a tense moment of silence before one of the boys reached out and grabbed Lily by the arm. James wasn't entirely sure what happened next as there was a bright flash of light and the boy stumbled back clutching his face and shouting incoherently. Even Sirius was now watching the scene with mild interest even as the boy started screaming as all his hair began to fall out. Lily watched with a cool expression and returned her wand to her pocket. "Next time, don't touch me." She said and returned to her friends who immediately began chattering excitedly.

James sat back down slowly, looking a little lost but also rather impressed. "I don't know why I even thought she'd need my help." He muttered absently, Sirius snorted but when James looked at him he rolled over again and ignored him.

XXX

That evening as Sirius stepped out of the shower he was confronted by James who was wearing a stern expression. "Why haven't you spoken to me for hours?" He demanded, watching Sirius move into the dorm room and begin searching for his pyjamas. When, after a few minutes of searching, he couldn't find them he turned to find James holding them in his hand.

"Give them back!" Sirius frowned, holding out his hand expectantly.

"Not until you answer my question."

Sirius growled and lunged, James had been expecting such a reaction and so stepped away, Sirius stumbled past him but spun around and tried to snatch his clothes out of James' hands. Sirius, half naked with only a towel wrapped around his waist, lunged again, this time driving James backwards onto a nearby bed. They tumbled over, Sirius falling on top of James and grabbing a handful of his clothes. "Give them back Potter!" He shouted angrily, trying to yank them free of James' grasp, James held on tightly and somehow managed to roll Sirius so that he was lying on the floor and James was on top.

"Answer me. Sirius, you've been ignoring me all day, what's your problem?"

"Get off of me, you prick!" Sirius bucked but James had the advantage and merely grinned.

"I'll leave you alone when you tell me what's up."

"No! Give me back my clothes so I can go to bed!" Sirius' wet hair fell across his face as he tried to struggle out from under his best friend.

"I'm not moving, I can sit here all night." James said, shifting until he was comfortable and folding his arms across his chest. "Out with it, Black."

Sirius, who had had numerous wrestling matches with James, knew that it was futile. James was skinny but surprisingly agile, Sirius' weight advantage never seemed to work. "Dick." Sirius hissed, glaring at James who merely smirked back. "Fine. I give. I'm pissed at you."

"Why?"

"Because...Because you spent most of the afternoon staring at Evans." Sirius flushed a little as he spoke and saw James look away guiltily.

"Sorry...I was just impressed at the way she handled that kid." James tried to smile but Sirius only narrowed his eyes, obviously not believing that it was as innocent as James tried to make out. "Look, I like you Sirius but I...I also like Lily, I can't help it."

Sirius gazed up at his friend and sighed softly, he looked away. "Fine, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay with me or...or..." He faltered, unable to voice the other option.

James hesitated and Sirius felt as if he had just been stabbed, his face twisted a little and he let out a slow breath. "Ok, let me up now...I...I understand." James didn't move, he gazed down at Sirius in silence for a long while until suddenly leaning down and capturing both his wrists in one hand, pinning them to the floor. "Jamie, wha-" Sirius was cut off by a kiss that caused him to erupt into goosebumps. He shivered, moaning a little as James slid his free hand down Sirius' bare chest.

"I want to take things a little further, is that ok?" James asked softly, his eyes scanning Sirius' face intently.

"More than ok." Sirius breathed and grinned.

It was messy, clumsy and several times they broke apart to laugh nervously. Sirius was surprised when James went down on him, it wasn't the best blow job he had had by a long shot yet, despite the awkwardness, Sirius enjoyed it simply because it was James. It was nothing like his dreams, it was wet and sloppy and a little embarrassing but somehow it was so much better than his dreams because it was _real_. Sirius tangled his fingers deep into James' messy hair, his toes curling helplessly against the worn old carpet beneath them as he lay back and closed his eyes. He had to try very hard not to push James' head or scare him off by getting over excited so, when he realised he was close to completion he pulled James away and up to his lips. They kissed again, deeply and James pulled away, blinking a little and looking a rather concerned. Sirius smiled and sat up, pushing James backwards with one hand. "It was great, Jamie, but let me show you how to do it properly." He chuckled at James' wide eyes and gave him one last kiss before reaching down and pulling open James' trousers.

It didn't take long before Sirius had made James come, he smiled as he lifted his head, wiping one hand across his lips and watched James lying on the floor looking utterly debauched. "Good?" He asked breathlessly, moving to lie beside his lover and taking his hand in his own.

"Bloody brilliant." James muttered, cracking open an eye and smiling lopsidedly. "How did you get so damned good at that?"

Sirius shrugged, brushing his lips against James'. "Practice, Jamie."

"Huh...I don't think I want to think about that." Sirius chuckled and held him closer, leaving a trail of hot kisses across his chest. "Hang on, you're still horny..."

"It's fine." Sirius replied, moving his and James' entwined hands down his body towards his erection. "You can help me." He gave James a playful smirk as he wrapped his fingers securely around his cock and bit down on his bottom lip. "It's better this way, I can see your face." He whispered, his breathing becoming harsher as he increased the pressure.

A little later Peter entered the dorm to find Sirius and James lying tangled up on James' bed, both of them were immersed in books and sharing a bag of sweets. Peter wrinkled his nose as he moved to his bed and set down his bag. "It smells funny in here." He said conversationally and gave his friends a confused look as they both started to giggle.

XXX

James and Sirius' relationship rapidly began to devolve into fast hand-jobs in empty class rooms between lessons and sweet, hot, heavy moments, stolen as often as they possibly could. James found himself carried away on a wave of passion and excitement, he felt as if he were being pulled through the fires of hell with Sirius holding onto his hand and giving him a filthy, devastatingly beautiful smile. He let himself be swept away, he loved every second and realised that he never wanted it to end. Time seemed to pass them by, barely noticed by either of them as they tangled themselves around each other and ignored the stirrings of war that sat right outside the school gates. It was a beautiful, sunlit dream and they were safe within the walls of Hogwarts, safe and comfortable and blissfully ignorant. It seemed to James that Sirius burned like a supernova, his light so intense that he could barely look at him but somehow it was as if Sirius' light was soon to burn out, nothing could sustain such intensity for too long.

Sirius knew, deep down, that nothing this good could last forever. He knew that one day he would lose everything, he knew James would grow up and realise that his time with Sirius was merely a childish exploration of curiosity. He knew that James would soon leave him and seek out his true mate, but he pushed it all aside, he drowned himself in James' flesh. He breathed his scent deeply, he took every chance he could get to touch, to hold, to love and to watch. He absorbed everything about James he possibly could before it was all ripped away from his desperately grasping hands. He contented himself with whatever he could get, even if in some dark, distant future, James would eventually go his separate way. For now, James belonged to Sirius and, best of all, Sirius belonged to James and everything in the Universe was utterly, completely perfect.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Ok, so maybe this chapter is a little boring as it does contain a little bit of random, unrelated banter between the Marauders but I hope its all right. Anyways, as always thank you so much for the reviews, I love hearing your thoughts on the story. Keep reading and keep enjoying. **

Chapter Ten

The school year ended in blaze of sunshine, the leaving feast was eaten with gusto and everyone chatted happily about their holidays. The Great Hall, bedecked as it was in the silver and green of Slytherin made the Gryffindor's grumble until Remus quietly reminded James and Sirius that it was they who had lost Gryffindor most of their points. Finally the next morning it was time to leave, the ride back was quiet but content, Sirius and James played a few games of exploding snap and one or two games of chess in which Sirius beat James both times due to an almost cruel ruthless streak where he sacrificed many of his pawns without blinking. After some light teasing about the fact that Sirius was showing his Slytherin side, the train pulled up to the platform and the friends disembarked.

To Sirius' surprise Mr and Mrs. Potter were there to meet them, he still wasn't entirely used to their way of parenting and so, when Mrs. Potter attempted to hug him he slipped out of her grasp and looked down at his feet. Dorea said nothing, merely forcing a kiss on James and leading them from the platform to a secure spot where they could dissapperate.

Two weeks passed by slowly, Sirius and James spent the time lazing in the sun and determinedly neglecting their homework. Dorea Potter filled Sirius with food, insisting that he needed to be fed up because he was entirely too thin and then forcing him to help her cook and teaching him the basics because she was afraid he would starve when he left when he finished school. Sirius found her mothering strange and he was still uncomfortable with it but when he left the kitchen, covered in flour, bits of pastry and smelling like freshly baked bread, he couldn't help but smile a little. He helped around the house, or at least he tried to, but generally he and James ended up creating far more mess than there had been originally and neither of them knew how they were doing it. It didn't take long before Dorea decided enough was enough and if she ever saw them attempting to clean anything she would hex their hands behind their backs, she had had enough of broken china and bits of glass raining down around her and scattering her living room carpet.

One balmy day James and Sirius went out into Muggle London to explore, they met up with Remus and Peter and made a show of themselves by walking around and exclaiming loudly over toasters and electric whisks. It was then that Sirius spotted something that made him almost wet himself, a huge black and silver motorbike with leather seats, chrome handles and a roar like an enraged dragon. He spent the rest of the time dragging his friends to a nearby Newsagents and buying up nearly their whole stock of motorbike magazines, much to the proprietors bemusement. Later they went to a cafe and sat outside, drinking tea and coffee and watching the world pass them by. Finally James and Sirius said their farewells and began making their way home, they could have got the night bus but James wanted to spend some time with Sirius without his parents breathing down his neck and Sirius was perfectly content to enjoy James' company.

They made their slow way to a nearby park as the sun began to set, almost automatically their hands found each other and Sirius slipped easily to James' side. They walked and spoke very little until they found a comfortable patch of grass, they sat down and James grabbed Sirius, pulling him to his lips and pushing his hands into his hair. Sirius returned the kiss with equal ferocity, pulling non too gently at James' clothes as if he were trying to crawl into his skin. Sirius knew he was being stupid and that in end he would only have his heart broken, but he couldn't help himself, he was weak, so, so weak. He pushed one hand beneath James' shirt, his nails digging slightly into his skin as heat raced through his body, urging him to take it further, just a little bit further. James pulled away to breathe and began kissing Sirius' throat, their eyes closed and their breathing heavy, the only sounds an occasional moan to break the sleepy silence. Sirius hissed in a sharp breath as James bit at his throat, his fingers dug painfully into his scalp and a small, wicked smile curving his lips. It was fully dark and James had just begun to open Sirius' sinfully tight jeans when they heard the familiar pop of an aparating Wizard. Sirius jerked as James accidentally bit down hard on his lip, he pulled away, wincing and froze as he listened intently. James opened his mouth to speak but Sirius put a hand over it, causing him to arch an eyebrow. "Shh." Sirius breathed, listening with everything he had. Another soft popping noise told them that someone else had arrived, footsteps drew closer and Sirius hoped that the bush they had hidden themselves behind would provide ample cover.

"Do you have the information?" One of the Wizards said, his voice harsh and low as if he was unwilling to be heard.

"Of course I do, unlike you, I get the job done when I am asked."

"Shut up, I don't need you to reprimand me."

"Of course not, the Dark Lord has done that already, hasn't he?"

Sirius shuddered violently at the sound of the second voice, it was female and had a soft, mocking quality that would forever haunt his dreams. James stiffened against him, hazel eyes wide behind his glasses which were highlighted by the half moon hanging above them. Sirius slowly slid his hand away from James' mouth and leaned in, his lips brushed James' ear as he whispered as softly as he could; "We need to leave. Now."

"Did you hear something?" The woman said sharply, the rustling of robes telling Sirius that she had drawn her wand.

"It's probably an animal, no one uses this park at this time of night."

"I wouldn't trust to mere rumour." The woman replied, her footsteps moving ever closer. "We should check..."

Sirius had a split seconds warning, he pushed James to the floor and covered him with his own body just as a flash of acidic green light whizzed over his head. He held his breath, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as he waited for something to happen, for the bushes to part and to hear that terrible, nightmare inducing laughter...but nothing happened.

"It was an animal, like I said. Now, hand me the documents and lets get out of here."

"Hmm." There was a rustling of paper and then two more pop's as the two people disappeared.

It took James and Sirius five whole minutes to calm themselves down before standing on shaking legs and breaking into a run. They fled as fast as they could towards a more populated area before collapsing breathlessly onto a nearby bench, Sirius gasped and let out a nervous, high-pitched giggle that James echoed. They grasped each other and took slow, deep breaths until they had calmed down enough to talk. "That was so bloody close." James muttered, lifting a shaking hand and running it through his hair, his light tone belied the fear that still lingered around his eyes and mouth. Sirius grinned, although it was entirely too tense to be believable. "Let's go home." James stood up, straightened out his trousers and, followed by Sirius, made his way towards the road where he stuck out his wand and waited for the huge purple bus to appear. Sirius hated the Night Bus but because James had yet to turn seventeen he had no choice but to use it, he had passed his Apparition test with flying colours but rarely had opportunity to use it.

The bus ride was done in silence, James was pale beneath his shock of black hair and his hands still shook slightly, Sirius was quiet too but for entirely different reasons. He had recognised the voice of the woman, how could he not when it had haunted his childhood. Bellatrix Lestrange had been the monster under his bed, she had given him more wounds than both his parents and only Andromeda had been able to reign her in. She was a sadist and he knew that if anyone found out that he and James had overheard the conversation then they would both end up dead. So, when they got off the bus, Sirius took James' hand and dragged him into a nearby alley way, away from James' house. "Promise me you won't tell anyone about what we heard tonight." He whispered urgently, his eyes imploring.

"But what if it was important?" James asked. "I can't just stand by and let people die because I was too scared to speak up."

"Listen, Jamie, if anyone finds out about what we heard we will all be dead and so will your family, do you understand? It is essential that we keep this between us. Please, I'm begging you, don't do anything stupidly noble!"

James opened his mouth but finally sighed heavily. "Fine, I won't say anything."

Sirius relaxed visibly and smiled. "Thanks."

XXX

It was a week before they had to return to school and the Marauder's were having a sleep over at James' house. Peter had somehow managed to convince his mother that this time he wouldn't be turned into an insect and had been allowed to come. They were all in their pyjamas, Sirius wearing a t-shirt and low slung tartan bottoms that looked a little worn. Remus in plaid pyjamas and reading a magazine while munching his slow way through a huge bar of Honeydukes finest, James' pyjamas were covered in little quaffles and had red and gold stitched along the hem, a home made get up made by his mother for his sixteenth birthday. Peter was wearing shorts and t-shirt that showed off a little too much of his belly. Sirius lay on James' bed, spread out on it as if he owned it while he wrote a letter with a small frown, James lay over his legs and gazed up at the ceiling where a huge poster of his favourite band had been stuck with spellotape. Remus and Peter were lying on the pile of duvets on the floor.

"Hey, who are you writing to?" James asked Sirius who scratched his nose with the end of his quill and looked at him, twisting his head awkwardly.

"My cousin." He replied, returning to his letter.

"I didn't know you were still in contact with any of your family?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, Andromeda is cool, she got out way before I did. She married a muggle born, 'course, mum shit herself." He chuckled lightly and wrote another sentence.

"Oh I see, cool." James went back to his silent contemplation of the band on his ceiling, they wore torn up robes, had long scraggly hair and beards to make even Hagrid proud.

"You eyeing up the lead singer again, Prongs?" Sirius chuckled and James turned to see him tucking his letter away in a nearby tin and shoving it onto the side table. His grey eyes glittered mischievously and as James watched a lock of hair fell before his eyes, forcing him to brush it away again. "You know i'm way more attractive than those guys." He waved a hand vaguely at the ceiling and dislodged James from his legs so that he could sit up and curl them beneath him.

"Shut up, Pads." James replied lightly, rolling over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Ah, you love my flirting, Jamie." Sirius lay back, tucking his hands behind his head and falling silent, James could feel his gaze boring into him like twin daggers of ice. "Moony, stop hogging the chocolate." Sirius demanded and held out his hand for some, Remus eyed him a moment before reluctantly handing him a bit. "Cheers, mate." He devoured it without another word and reclined once again against James' pillows before dragging out a rather battered copy of a muggle motorbike magazine, he flicked through it lazily, dreaming about owning his own.

"Have you done your homework?" Peter asked suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence that had descended between them all.

"Nope." Sirius replied.

"Same, I'll do it later." James waved a hand airily.

"I have, why?" Remus looked up, blinking a little.

"I got stuck on the essay about Dementors." He sighed softly and Remus smiled at him.

"What part?"

"Well...all of it really. I remember that you can use a patronus charm to deter them but I don't know how else you can do it."

Remus took another bite of chocolate, considering before he spoke again. "Send me your essay and I will look over it, I'm sure you haven't made too many mistakes and then I can return it to you to re-write."

"Thanks." Peter grinned happily to himself.

"Hey, aren't we doing Patronuses next year?" James asked.

"Yeah, we will be. Professor Marcus said so before we left last term." Sirius replied.

"Cool, I'd love to find out what mine is." James said excitedly, getting a look from Remus of confusion.

"It will be the same as your animagus form, Prongs."

"Will it? Oh."

"So mines a dog? That's not too bad, I like dogs."

"You would Sirius, you become more dog-like every day...even your laugh sounds like a dog barking." James giggled as Sirius kicked him lightly in the side.

"Yeah well, at least I don't have antlers, remember that time you got them stuck in the Christmas tree? That was hilarious."

"Hey, give me a break, I wasn't used to transforming then and mum and dad got that stupidly large tree...it was ridiculous."

"Also, you were drunk."

"Yeah, well...I blame you Pads."

"Me?! What did I do? You're the one who stole the Firewhiskey from your dad."

"You encourage me, you're a bad influence, Black." James smirked as Sirius kicked him again, causing him giggle in a way that was more than a little girly. "Stop that it tickles!" Sirius continued to tickle him with his foot until James grabbed him by the ankle and dragged him bodily from the bed, he landed with a loud thud onto the floor where James immediately attacked him with his hands. Fingers dug into Sirius' sides, he squirmed and was unable to prevent the loud, childish laughter that was escaping him. James gave him no mercy, he tickled Sirius until he could barely breathe and tears had begun to creep from his eyes. Finally it was Mrs. Potter who interrupted their game, she opened the door and raised an eyebrow until James halted his ministrations, leaving Sirius beneath him panting heavily and wiping his eyes.

"I think it's time for bed, don't you? We've got to be up early to get to Diagon Alley tomorrow morning."

"Yeah, ok mum."

"Good night boys." She smiled and closed the door behind her.

They settled themselves down in their respective beds, James and Sirius sharing because it was, to them, the most natural thing to do. The lights went out and they lapsed into silence for a while before Sirius spoke in a harsh whisper. "I heard that cats penis' are barbed...do you reckon that's true?"

"Really Sirius? We're trying to sleep." James hissed back, hearing a muffled chuckle from the floor. "And you can shut up as well Moony."

"They are barbed Sirius, now go to sleep." Remus replied, amusement evident in his voice.

There was another moments silence until; "Wouldn't that hurt?" Peter mused.

"Yes. Yes it would. Go. To. Sleep." James snapped.

"What's anal sex like, Pads?" Peter asked, ignoring James completely.

Sirius paused, trying to find a way around the question without admitting that he had never done it. Before he could answer however, James spoke up. "He's a virgin, now just shut the hell up!"

Peter sat up, Sirius could see his figure silhouetted in the moonlight. "I thought you'd lost it ages ago!"

"Thanks a fucking bunch, Jamie, you twit." Sirius grumbled angrily.

"Shit. Sorry, man, I forgot."

Sirius sighed heavily. "No, I lied. I just don't want people knowing the truth, ok? I have a reputation to maintain."

"But James has lost it so has Remus-"

"Peter!" There was a loud thud and a pained groan from Peter who had been hit by Remus with a rather heavy book. "You arse that was supposed to be a secret!"

James giggled and so did Sirius, suddenly they all fell silent as they heard Mr. and Mrs Potter going to bed. When they heard their bedroom door close James sat up. "So, who was it?" He whispered eagerly, Remus sighed again.

"Emma Jones." He replied.

"Oooh, really? She's fit. I approve, Remus."

"Excellent, because I always need your approval for every aspect of my life. Good night Prongs, I'm tired."

"Was she good?" James leaned over the edge of the bed and began poking Remus' still form, he rolled over, swatted James' hand away and grumbled irritably. "Well?"

"Yes, it was nice. She's very pleasant and I enjoyed talking to her, is that ok? Are we done?"

"No. Are her boobs as big they look?"

"James, be quiet!"

"I only wanted to know."

"Is Sirius' arse as good as you think it looks?" Remus retorted, finally having had enough of the third degree.

James flinched automatically. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, everyone knows what you two get up to behind closed doors. You're terrible liars and even worse at hiding your engagements." Remus sat up and stared at James who was now looking exceedingly uncomfortable.

"The jig is up, my friend." Sirius said, peeking curiously over James' shoulder, a smirk lingering around his lips. "We've been rumbled, my little love muffin."

"Love muffin?!" Peter giggled loudly, stifling it behind his hand quickly.

"B-But I-" James stuttered himself into silence once again, his mouth twisting before he finally gave up with a sigh. "All right, fine, we've been...experimenting." He said carefully.

"Uh-huh, is that what kids are calling it these days?" Remus rolled his eyes and slumped back into his bed. "Are we finished now? Can I finally get some sleep?"

"Yeah, sorry." James lay back and Sirius wrapped his arm around his waist before leaving a soft, lingering kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"It's ok, Jamie." Sirius muttered, stifling a huge yawn. "We'll be ok."

James only wished he could believe him.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Sorry, bit of a short chapter here but I haven't had much time for writing lately and shit has just got on top of me. But anyway, hope you like what I have done and enjoy the sort-of-smut. Lol.**

Chapter Eleven

Hidden in the shadows he could see everything, he could see his hands curled above her waist, he could see the tension in his fingers as they tightened on her robes and he could see the small, satisfied grin on his lips even as they kissed. Sirius watched and absorbed the searing agony that came with seeing his best friend wrapped around another. Slowly he released his pent up breath in a near-silent sigh, he turned away, shutting the scene from his sight by closing his eyes as he moved away from the kissing couple. He should have seen it coming, after all, they had been dancing around each other for years now, it was inevitable but perhaps he was far more stupid than his parents said he was, perhaps he had allowed his love to blind himself to the facts. James Potter was in love with Lily Evans, there was no room in his heart for two people.

Sirius leaned back against the dorm door after having fled the scene as quietly as he could, he sighed heavily and sank down to sit on the worn carpet and shove his head into his hands. He had expected something like this to happen at some point but so soon? He pushed both fists into his eyes until he saw bright spots of colour behind his lids, the pain bringing his thoughts into sharper focus. The moment James had received word that he was head boy Sirius had known that their relationship, or whatever it was, was over. On the train back to Hogwarts James had come back from his meeting with that years prefects with a quiet Lily Evans in tow, he had sat her down in their compartment and when Sirius saw them talking he had felt something painful shatter inside him. They were perfect together and it was agony. They had been flirting ever since and now, two weeks later, they were practically in each others pants. Sirius cursed himself and his stupidity repeatedly but it did no good in easing the well of pain and humiliation he felt, the jealousy raged within him, almost driving him to his feet so he could run back down stairs and curse the pair of them into oblivion. Luckily he managed to control that nasty desire. Finally he stood up, rummaged around beneath his bed and withdrew a bottle of mead that he had smuggled into the school with him. He pulled out the cork and began chugging, anything to relieve the ache in his heart.

James returned with a heavy heart, he knew that his unexpected kiss with Lily was eventually going to reach Sirius and it was with great reluctance that he finally dredged up the courage to speak to his best friend. At first glance the room appeared to be empty and he frowned, he had been told by Remus that Sirius was up there. Finally though he found Sirius lying on James' bed, James flushed when he realised that Sirius was wearing nothing more than his underpants and was watching him from dark, heavily lidded eyes that concealed any emotion. In one hand he wielded a half-empty bottle of Mead and in the other was his wand. "You know." James said softly, interpreting Sirius' glare correctly. He took a breath and stepped closer to the bed. "Sirius I-"

"She doesn't want you, Jamie." Sirius muttered, stretching languidly and giving James a heated look through his fringe. James' eyes moved steadily up and down his body, admiring the flat stomach, the well toned thighs and the dark hair that trailed up to his belly button from beneath his white underwear. "She doesn't want you like I do." Sirius rolled onto his stomach and held out the bottle, inviting James to move closer and sit beside him.

"You're drunk, how much have you had?"

"Not enough." Sirius replied, his lips curling into a seductive, cat-like smirk that made James' insides dance pleasantly. To distract himself from Sirius he took a deep swig of the alcohol before the bottle was snatched back from his lax fingers and Sirius finished it off before dropping it to the floor. He sat up on his knees and shuffled behind James, beginning to kiss his neck, one hand trailing lightly over the front of his uniform and sliding beneath the neck of his robes. "Mmm, why would you want her when you already have me?" Sirius whispered, breathing sweet scented breathe over James' ear. "You know i'm yours, utterly, completely. I would die for you Jamie, you know that, right? Tell me to do anything and I'd do it. I'd throw myself from the Astronomy tower if I thought it would make you happy. Would Evans do that much? I doubt it."

"Sirius, stop it! I need to talk to you seriously for a minute." James shrugged himself out of Sirius' grasp and turned his head to look at him. "You're really pissed, aren't you?"

"Uh-huh, better that i'm drunk...it's easier that way. I was drunk a lot when I was living with my parents, you know? Mum let me drink as much as I wanted, maybe because she hoped i'd kill myself..." Sirius sniggered but James found very little funny about his words. "Jamie," He sighed and crawled into James' lap, pushing him roughly back into the bed and leaning down until their noses brushed. "If you're going to leave me then fuck me. Fuck me until I'm screaming because I want my last memories of us seared into my head."

"Sirius, I can't-"

"It's not cheating if she's not going out with you yet, is it? I assume you haven't officially asked her?"

"Well, no, I was waiting-but-"

"Oh just shut up and kiss me, Potter. Let's get this over with so you can get on with your perfect, unspoilt life." Sirius kissed James deeply, his hands trembling a little as they wound themselves into James' robes, he felt him hesitate but didn't allow him to do any more thinking. He had been torturing himself for hours and he could think of nothing worse than dying, alone and without ever having known what it could have been like to be with James. He moaned heavily as James rolled him over onto his back, their bodies pressed close and he could feel James' arousal rubbing against his thigh. "That's it, Jamie...I know you want this."

"Merlin, Sirius, you know how to make my life harder."

"I intend on making a lot of things hard this afternoon." Sirius whispered, his eyes closed and his skin tingling where James' fingers lay. James looked at him for a long moment, dark hair spread across the bed spread and his chest moving under pale skin, he looked down at his chest and noticed, for the first time since knowing him, that a litter of tiny scars scattered his body. He frowned and took hold of one of his wrists, running his thumb slowly over a particularly long, jagged scar there. "What are you waiting for?" Sirius asked, opening his eyes and looking blearily up at James.

"Who did this to you?" James asked softly, his own eyes glowing in concern.

"Which ones? Most of them were the combined efforts of my mother and father, except this one-." He indicated a nasty looking scar on his right hip bone. "Which was caused by my ever loving cousin, Bellatrix. She made me strip naked for her, I was only four years old and then she-she..." He faltered momentarily and grimaced before shaking his head. "Not that it matters anymore."

"Merlin...I had no idea how bad it was." James whispered.

"Yeah, well, no one could have done anything so why bother complaining?" Sirius shrugged and sat up, pushing one hand deep into James' hair and kissing him on the side of his mouth.

"What about the ones on your wrists?" James asked feeling as if someone had vanished all his insides, he felt a little sick to see how badly wounded Sirius had been and he had not even noticed.

Sirius pulled his wrists free and rubbed them in agitation, his eyes darted to the side and back to James where he looked at him intently for a moment. "I tried to kill myself before I started Hogwarts." He breathed and saw James' eyes widen and his breath hiss sharply through his teeth. "It was my tenth birthday, I'd been in my cousins garden, supposedly celebrating when my mother started telling my grandmother how worthless I was...I think it broke me and I...when I got home I went to the kitchen and sliced my own wrists open like a muggle in the hopes that they'd let me die." He sighed heavily and shook his head, his mouth twisting in a bitter, humourless smile. "Andromeda found me, kneeling on the floor and watching the blood soak into my new dress robes. She healed me as best she could, she's never been very good at them and accidentally left these scars. When mum found us she started shouting at me, telling me how I was a useless stain upon the name of Black and how dare I even think to ruin such expensive robes."

"Holy shit." James whispered, reaching out and touching the scars once again. "Fucking hell, Sirius why did you never say anything?"

"Because no one would have believed me, would they?" Sirius withdrew and shuffled away, all heat of the moment gone. "Just another spoiled pureblood brat, wasn't I? Anyway, none of it matters anymore because you're here. Jamie, you've saved my life more times than I can count, even if you never even realised it. You don't understand what you've done for me simply by being my friend, I'm not going to let you go to Evans without getting at least one last thing from you." He looked up, silver eyes dark and sad as he begged James silently, finally James gave in, how could he not? Sirius was being so open and honest, he was bearing his soul for the first time in years and James knew that his actions from hence forth could shatter him like glass.

"All right, but we're doing this properly. Where's the alcohol? I need a stiff drink."

It was not how Sirius had imagined it going. They were both far too drunk and their inept fumbling caused many high pitched nervous giggles that did nothing to improve the romance of the situation. What was worse was that Sirius only had a vague understanding of what was supposed to happen and their first two goes at anal sex went horribly wrong until James had had enough and went to rummage around under his bed where he found a large, ancient looking tomb, Sirius discovered that it was a book on sex and sexual health written by someone who was obviously still very much a virgin and probably had a grey beard. The pictures and language in the book started the two of them giggling again as they tried to find a page that suited their needs, when they found it there were images of engravings from ancient Greece and other similar artefacts that gave Sirius no indication of what to actually do. Finally James spotted a helpful tip about the use of olive oil and, after blushing furiously and muttering about where he could find some, Sirius summoned a house elf and ordered it to get them some. Finally when the confused elf left them with a bottle of the thick, viscous fluid the two of them stared at it for a good five minutes before finally attempting it again.

They lay together on James' bed, doing little more than kiss and touch and explore each other until Sirius pulled away, nuzzling James' nose affectionately. "Where did you get that book?"

"My dad gave it to me before we left for the term." He grinned in embarrassment as Sirius chuckled.

"Does he-do your parents know?" Sirius asked, running a slow hand up James' side, lazily dragging his fingers and enjoying the way James reacted to him.

"I don't know, I haven't told them...have you?"

"No. I was afraid." Sirius admitted, frowning before the expression cleared and he smiled. "Not that it matters now anyway, after this, you'll be able to pull off being the perfect straight boy everyone wants their kids to be." His voice shook a little as he dragged James on top of him and kissed him deeply, grabbing his wrist and pulling it between their bodies. "For tonight, James, you're mine and I'm yours."

It hurt a lot more than Sirius had been expecting, James wasn't the best endowed but still it felt like someone was trying to force something utterly massive inside him. They had to stop several times to breath and kiss until Sirius told James it was ok to continue, but finally, after much awkwardness and pain they had it. Sirius lay still, his head thrown back against the pillows, his teeth gritted as he adjusted to the unusual intrusion, he could feel James trembling with need but he had better self control than anyone Sirius had ever known and barely even twitched. Finally the pain faded enough for him to open his eyes, he looked up at James and tangled his fingers into his messy hair, dragging him into a brutal kiss. "Now James, for the lover of Merlin, fuck me." He muttered, his body on fire, his tongue reaching out to find James' as James finally moved. "Fuck. Fuck. Oh fuck!" Sirius gasped, his hands digging painfully into James' tense shoulders.

"Is it-are you all right?" James whispered, looking as if he was going to stop but Sirius wrapped his legs firmly around him and pulled him deeper.

"If you stop i'm going to kill you." Sirius hissed, biting at James' lip none too gently and earning a sharp groan in response. "That's better."

Slowly they both began to relax and pleasure replaced the pain and awkwardness. James gave in to the call of his body, helpless against the electric excitement that shook him to his very core. He could barely believe it was happening, that Sirius was beneath him and moaning and he was so tight and hot and perfect that he forgot in that moment that he was planning on asking Lily Evans out the very next day. Their kisses began to devolve into frantic and messy battles of their tongues, Sirius' hands somehow managed to be everywhere at once and his nails left long red lines all over James' body. Teeth found lips, they swallowed each others groans, whispers and soft cursing. It was perfect. Sirius knew that they were good together, he knew, at the moment when he felt James' release, that here was his soul mate, the one person in the entire world he had been destined to belong with. When he reached his own orgasm, he sobbed James' name into his shoulder, biting down hard on the flesh and leaving behind a perfect set of teeth marks.

They flopped down onto the bed together, panting and touching and kissing until Sirius' eyes drifted closed, a tiny smile lingering around his perfect mouth. "love you...Jamie..." He whispered as he drifted into a light doze.

James stayed awake, gazing up at the ceiling with wide eyes. He wasn't entirely sure if Sirius meant what he said, but if he did then James was hurting him far beyond what he had first realised. James was as responsible for scarring him as Sirius' family had been and it made guilt fill the emptiness that had once held the after-glow of bliss. The question that burned inside him was; did he feel the same? He turned his head and watched Sirius sleeping, looking far happier than he had ever done before and it took him a moment to try to clarify his own feelings. It was useless, he had no idea whether he felt that deeply for his best friend, oh he loved him, he loved him like a brother, like a best friend but did he love him romantically? He couldn't make sense of the whirl of emotions so he sat up, picked up his glasses from the bedside table and began attempting to clear up the mess they had made without waking up Sirius.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: A bit of an exciting chapter for you guys now, I do hope people are still enjoying it and as always your reviews are what are keeping me going. Thank you.**

Chapter twelve

Sirius and James didn't speak of what they had done, they made an attempt at returning to just being friends and Sirius thought that he did a very good job of putting on a brave face when James finally asked Lily out. He watched her agree with a small, amused smile as she took the slightly sad looking, wilted flower from James' hands. Their new relationship was the talk of Hogwarts, Sirius could barely go anywhere without hearing whispers of the Evans-Potter romance spreading through the older students like wild fire. The only person, apart from himself, who seemed upset by this new development was Snape. Several times Sirius had caught him sending evil looks towards the happy couple as they walked hand in hand to their lessons, he decided to keep a look out in case Snape attempted anything but so far he hadn't. James' new romance combined with his Head Boy duties and the insane amount of homework the seventh years were being laden with made spending any time with each other nigh on impossible, a part of Sirius was angry at the lack of time he now spent with James yet the other part was glad because it meant that he could occupy himself with homework and studying for the various mock-exams the teachers were forcing them to do rather than dwell on the unfairness of it all. One night, as he walked out of the library after a stuffy three hours closeted away in a corner, surrounded by old musty books and his hands stained with ink, he found himself accosted by a twitchy looking Dorian. They were in an empty corridor and Dorian kept looking around as if to check for spies, after a few seconds he grabbed Sirius by the wrist and pulled him roughly into a nearby empty class room. Sirius hesitated for a second, unsure what to do but when Dorian locked the door and turned to him he decided to wait and see what he wanted before pulling out his wand.

"Is it true?"

Sirius frowned in confusion. "Is what true?"

"You and Potter...are you over? The rumours say that he's with Evans now."

Sirius sighed and nodded slowly, "Yeah, they're together now. Why?"

Dorian said nothing, merely watching Sirius through narrowed eyes before stepping into his personal space. "You had sex with him." He said, it wasn't a question.

"What's it to you? And how would you know?" Sirius replied irritably, trying to move back to put some space between them but his legs hit a nearby desk and he had no where to go.

"You're holding yourself differently and you said that he was the only one you'd fuck." Dorian reminded him.

"Look, my personal affairs aside, what is it that you want? I'm very busy."

Dorian glanced towards the door and bit down on his bottom lip, he looked nervous and his agitation seemed to seep into Sirius' skin, making him almost as nervous. "Sirius, I...I'm in trouble." He muttered, eyes darting back to Sirius' face and a terrified expression flitted over his face.

"Trouble you got yourself into, no doubt." Sirius replied haughtily, then felt terribly guilty when Dorian flinched. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." He offered but Dorian waved it away.

"I know I was a fool, I was blinded by their talk of a new world but then...then this summer I got a glimpse of what they expect us to do and I just...I'm not a murderer! I can't kill like they can! I need help."

Sirius sighed softly and sank onto the desk behind him, he shook his head slowly. "I don't understand what it is you think I can do."

"You're a bloodtraitor, you've been denying your heritage for years, surely you have some ideas of how I can get out of this mess?" Dorian's desperation was obvious and Sirius wished he could help.

"I can't do anything, I was never going to join the Death Eaters, I never got in that deep. Maybe you should go to Dumbledore, he could offer you more help."

"D-Dumbledore? But if I did they'd kill my family!" Dorian shook his head quickly, his hair falling across his eyes and forcing him to brush it away distractedly.

"I'm sure the old man could protect you all. Put your trust in him, Dorian, I can't get you out of this but he can."

"I...I suppose so." Dorian watched Sirius stand and walk towards the door but before he could undo the enchantments he felt a hand slide into his own and squeeze. "I really like you Sirius, is there any chance we could-"

Sirius sighed and shook his head. "James is my everything...I'm sorry."

"I...I see. I'll go to Dumbledore, I hope he can help."

"So do I, you're a good bloke and I'd hate to see you get hurt."

"Sirius, look after yourself, there's a few students here who want to hurt you in whatever way they can. I've heard them discussing it. Watch your back."

Sirius looked at Dorian over his shoulder and smiled. "I always do. I'll see you around." With that he left Dorian alone in the class room.

XXX

One night, as a cold wind howled around the castle, Sirius was attempting to do some reading whilst in the common room. He frowned at his book becoming ever more irritated by the fact that James and Lily were snogging in a corner by the fire, he could see them as clear as day out of the corner of his eye and it was beyond distracting.

_The Boggart, although ultimately relatively harmless, can transform into a Witch or Wizards worst nightmare. The idea is to scare the victim into leaving them alone, and is considered a territorial thing. The way to get rid of, or destroy a Boggart is to-_

Sirius saw James pull away from Lily momentarily and give her that sweet, hopeless smile that always made Sirius weak at the knees. He cleared his throat, forcing his mind back to the book.

_The idea is to scare the victim into leaving them alone, and is considered a territorial thing. The way to get rid of, or-_

"Hey, you want to take this upstairs?" Lily muttered, grinning wickedly as James' eyes lit up and his face was transformed by a huge smile. Sirius tutted loudly, trying to concentrate.

_The idea is to scare the victim into leaving them alone, and is considered-_

"Merlin, Lily, I love you." James' hoarse whisper was loud enough to carry to where Sirius was sat. He shifted and finally looked up properly from his revision, he watched James take Lily's hand and pull her up towards the boys dorm to loud wolf whistles and laughter from their fellow students.

_The idea is to scare-_

Sirius closed the book with a snap, almost tempted to throw it into the fire. He managed to force himself to put it back into his bag and heft it onto his shoulder before looking at Remus. "You want to get out of here?" He asked his friend who looked up from his own revision and smiled.

"Why not?" He put away his books and stood up, brushing himself down. "We won't be able to return to the dorm for a while at any rate. Peter, will you be coming?"

"Yeah, give me a minute." Peter hastily stuffed his things back into his own bag and followed his friends towards the portrait hole.

Together they snuck into Hogsmeade village and to the Three Broomsticks, Sirius ordered his drink and ignored Rosemertas raised eyebrow as she noted they weren't in school. She sighed, shook her head and handed over their beverages with a stern warning that if they caused trouble she would inform Dumbledore. Sirius sat down and handed out the drinks before downing his firewhiskey with practised ease, he picked up another and swallowed that too. Remus raised an eyebrow, holding his Butterbeer between both hands. "I would slow down if I were you or Rosemerta will have us all kicked out."

"Are you my mother?" Sirius snapped, glaring at Remus who merely shook his head.

"No, but someone's got to stop you from making a fool of yourself." He replied crisply. "I know what's wrong and drinking is not going to help."

"He's fucking her, you know? Right now. In his bed. The same damned place we-" He caught himself and grimaced, waving his hand to catch the barmaids attention and ordering yet another drink, as she bustled off to get it he sighed and began turning his glass slowly in his hands. "I feel like he's doing nothing but stab me repeatedly in the back...it hurts, Remus."

"I know, I'm sorry, Sirius. I wish there was something I could-who's that?" He lowered his voice, leaning forward as the bar doors opened and three cloaked figures stepped inside. The wind grabbed their cloaks, making them flutter in the wind before the door swung closed again, halting all talk. The figures moved to the centre of the room, somehow commanding the attention of every patron. Madam Rosemerta tried to offer them a smile and opened her mouth to ask what they wanted, but before she could speak one of the cloaked figures raised his wand. Sirius' eyes widened as more wands were drawn, every witch and wizard in the bar was armed and ready to defend themselves and their friends. Sirius' own fist was wrapped tightly around the warm handle of his own wand as he waited anxiously for something to happen. The tension grew, the atmosphere in the bar was heavy and Sirius was almost sure he could have cut it with a knife.

"We're going to die." Peter breathed, eyes as wide as saucers as he gripped his wand in a trembling hand, his voice carried in the near silence and caused one of the figures to laugh softly, a laugh Sirius knew well. The man turned towards their table, revealing a hooded head and what looked like a mask hidden within the shadows.

"You will only die if you attempt to fight us." The voice that issued from the dark folds of the hood made Remus and Sirius glance at each other, it was the soft, silky voice of a man they had learned very quickly to hate during their first years of school.

"Lucius, how good to see you again." Sirius said, smiling with a confidence he did not feel.

"Ah, if it isn't little Sirius Black...the traitor." That earned him a few titters from his comrades but Sirius had been on the end of worse jibes.

"How is married life treating you, cousin? Where is Cissy, I was expecting to see her with you, hanging off your arm as she did at school?"

"My wife is at home, Black. Not that it is any concern of yours, since she has denounced you along with the rest of your family."

"Sirius, stop it now." Remus hissed, seeing the dangerous recklessness enter Sirius' eyes and knowing he was about to do something monumentally stupid.

Sirius shook Remus off and stepped closer to the group of Death Eaters. "Shut up, Moony." Sirius replied in a soft hiss.

"You should listen to your little friend, Black. I would so hate to deprive Bella of the chance to take that handsome head off of your shoulders. Just sit down and shut up like a good little dog."

Sirius laughed softly, dangerously, his wand rising half an inch. "Oh, stooping to insults now, are we Malfoy? Reminds me of all those wonderful family gatherings where you liked to try to chase me and torture me."

"As much as I would love to reminisce, cousin, I have work to do." Malfoy made a slashing movement with his wand, Sirius deflected it with ease, having easily anticipated the move. "If you do not sit down, boy, I will kill you where you stand!"

"Bella would be angry." Sirius retorted, smirking like the Cheshire cat. "She's always insisted she be the one who gets to murder me."

"Indeed, but I'm sure that she would forgive me eventually." Lucius made a sharp movement, sending a jet of light straight at Sirius which forced him into a seat and bound him there. "Stay, dog." He hissed and turned his attention back to the bar at large. "We are here looking for someone, we heard that they would-ah, there you are!" Malfoy lifted his wand and there was a yelp from the back of the room near the toilets. Sirius struggled with his invisible bonds to no effect but he could feel Remus inching slowly closer to him, eyes remaining glued to their enemies. "You dare to think that you could escape the Dark Lord?" Malfoy said softly, dragging the unfortunate man towards him with magic, the man struggled, whimpered and whined desperately.

"Help me! Help me please!" He cried, struggling uselessly. "They have my wife and children! I need to help them! Please! Merlin, please help!"

Several people hesitated, their wands wavering as they considered their next moves, but before anyone could think to retaliate and rescue the poor man, Malfoy's cronies stepped forward. "I would not make a stupid mistake, this bar is surrounded. None of you have any chance of escape, if you leave us unmolested and allow us to go on our way with our prisoner, then you will live. Fight and we will burn this whole village to the ground."

Nervous mutters broke out, Sirius could hear names spoken with quiet dread, the fear in the place was tangible. He struggled some more and finally felt, rather than heard, Remus whisper the counter and he was released. He took a breath and stood up, ignoring Remus' insistent tugging on the sleeve of his robes as he stepped forward and once again aimed his wand at Malfoy's face. "What's so important about that bloke, anyway?" He asked casually, smirking when Lucius realised he was free.

"That is none of your business Black, unless you have changed your mind about who's side you are on." Malfoy's sneer was obvious in his voice and Sirius laughed.

"You know me better than that, Lucius. If you're not going to tell me then I'd recommend you let him go or I'll be forced to stop you."

The Death Eaters burst into hysterics, one of them doubling over and wheezing with laughter. Sirius did not like being laughed at. "Do you honestly believe that a child who has barely even come of age could stand up to the Dark Lord's most faithful? Your stupidity always amused me, dog. If you wish to fight then I can oblige...Goyle, Nott, take him."

Sirius had very little warning as his wand went flying into the air along with those of his friends, it flew up into the rafters and clattered back down at Malfoy's feet. Sirius watched numbly and he stooped to pick it up just as two burly men grabbed him by the arms and forced him backwards against a wall, he struggled violently, kicking out with his feet as people began muttering. One man stood forward.

"Oi! You can take your damned prisoner but leave the kid alone! He's not done anything!" Malfoy barely even looked as the man was hit in the face with a curse and collapsed, his wife screamed and ran to his side, Malfoy ignored her desperate sobs as the pub fell silent. The only person missing was Rosemerta.

"Get your filthy hands off of me!" Sirius shouted, eyes shut as he struggled with ever increasing ferocity until the sharp jab of a wand in his ribs made him grow still, he opened his eyes, breathing heavily and sent his most haughty glare at Malfoy who was now inches from him. Behind Lucius he could see his friends struggling against the other Death Eater's who held them securely, he felt bile reach his throat and turned to stare at Malfoy. "Don't you dare hurt them!" He hissed as Malfoy grabbed his chin, holding his head in place. The leather of his gloves was cool against his hot face as Malfoy's cold grey eyes narrowed through the slits in his mask.

"They will remain unharmed, we have no orders to harm anyone unless we are attacked." Malfoy assured him. "You, however, are a nuisance and I am going to have to remind you just who you really are, Black." Sirius watched as Malfoy lifted his hand and revealed a sharp, shining knife in one gloved hand. Sirius' eyes went wide as Lucius brought the knife to his eye to give him a better look, he cringed back, hitting his head against the wall as terror swept through him.

"No! Don't hurt him!" Remus cried, earning himself a punch in the gut, he crumpled with a strangled oomph and collapsed.

"You are nothing more than a filthy, Mudblood loving traitor, Black..." Malfoy whispered venomously, he yanked back Sirius' sleeve on his left arm, causing him to struggle again uselessly. The knife point dug into his lower forearm, making Sirius wince and hiss sharp breath through his teeth. "Hurts, doesn't it?" Malfoy chuckled, running his fingers through the cut and gathering blood on his glove, he showed the dark mess to Sirius who eyed it warily before Malfoy smeared it across his face. "This is the blood of generations of purebloods, the blood the Dark Lord prises so highly and you besmirch it by being friends with half-blood scum." He waved his hand vaguely at Remus who was still lying on the floor, clutching his stomach and groaning. His fingers dug painfully into the wound on Sirius' arm, making him stifle a cry and tears burn his eyes, he gasped and felt hot blood dripping steadily over his face and arm, his whole body shuddering with the after effects of agony. "And now I am going to remind you of what you are, forever." Malfoy drew out his wand and used it to burn something into Sirius' arm, he could no longer hold back the howl of pain and it escaped through numb lips. He jerked and fought but to no avail, Nott and Goyle were far too strong. Finally he gasped in a breath as Malfoy stepped back, admiring his handy work. Sirius slowly turned his head, panting and gazed at his mutilated arm where _Bloodtraitor_ had been seared viciously into his stinging flesh. He swallowed hard and returned his eyes to Malfoy.

"I'll wear it like a badge of honour, you disgusting prick!" He whispered hoarsely and spat into Malfoy's face.

Without blinking Malfoy reacted, the words of his spell drowned out by Sirius' agonised scream. Goyle and Nott dropped him to the floor where he lay, helpless and twitching as pain washed over him in gigantic waves. Finally Malfoy lifted the spell and kicked Sirius in the ribs, he bent down, grabbing a handful of his hair and bringing his ear to his lips. "Next time we meet, Black, I will kill you." He dropped Sirius back to the floor and left him there, gasping and shuddering violently.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Another chapter, gosh, I wasn't expecting to have finished it quite yet. Although it is 2am nearly and i'm tired so it may have many errors, for that I apologise. I adore Lily Evans, although she is no where near my fave (which is always Sirius) and here she shows just how nice she can be. Enjoy.**

Chapter Thirteen

James flung the doors to the Hospital Wing open and strode quickly towards the only occupied bed that was surrounded by teachers and Remus and Peter, Lily was hot on his heels. "What the hell happened?" He asked the second he reached Sirius' bed side, he looked down at his unconscious friend and saw the bandages covering his arm and blood smeared across his face.

"It was Malfoy." Peter said in a low, shaky voice.

"Malfoy? He left years ago, didn't he?" James frowned until Remus took up the explanation. When James had heard the whole story he collapsed into a nearby chair in shock.

"How on earth did you get out of there alive?" He asked weakly.

"That is all thanks to Madam Rosemerta." Dumbledore answered, looking down at Sirius with a slight frown. "She escaped the bar through the cellar and made her way straight to the nearest post of Aurors who then alerted me. Boys, I must remind you once again that Hogsmeade is dangerous, I am going to have to cancel trips there now as it appears the Aurors are no longer enough to scare the Death Eater's off. Please, I beg you never to go sneaking out of bounds again or things could be a lot worse."

"Yes sir, I'm sorry. I should have stopped him." Remus replied looking incredibly guilty and staring down at his shoes. "I just thought that we could all use a break..."

"I understand the pressure of NEWTS Remus, dear boy, I just ask that you be more careful in future." He turned to McGonagall who sighed heavily and shook her head.

"In light of this offence all three of you will have fifty house points removed and detentions for a whole month, beginning Monday evening." She said sternly and followed Dumbledore out of the Hospital Wing. Remus sat down in a spare chair and looked at Sirius' sleeping form.

"I should have been there." James whispered, eyes wide and scared behind his glasses. "I should have known what would happen...he gets reckless when he's hurting."

"Hurting? What on earth is he hurting for?" Peter asked but at James' glare fell silent.

"It's not your fault, James, Sirius is his own man, he should have known better." Lily said softly, attempting to comfort her boyfriend.

"No. It is my fault. I was stupid and ignored what was staring me right in the face." James stood up, his hands balled into fists at his sides and a dark look on his face that made him look far older than his sixteen years. "I've decided." He said softly. "I'm going to stop those bastards from hurting anyone ever again, no matter what it takes." He shook off Lily's hand and strode back towards the doors. "I need some time alone." He muttered and left them.

Later that night he returned to the Hospital Wing beneath the invisibility cloak, when he reached Sirius' bedside he took the cloak off and flung it over the back of a chair before leaning over his sleeping friend and pressing a kiss to his temple, Sirius stirred and his eyes flickered open, a small, tired grin spread over his face as he focussed on James. "Mornin' lover." He whispered and yawned widely. "Mm, I could get used to waking up like this."

James smiled uncertainly before crawling into bed with him and pulling him into an embrace. "You're an idiot, Black. Do you know how worried everyone was?"

"Everyone? Or do you mean you?" Sirius asked, his lips inches from James' own and his eyes darkening as he ran the tip of his tongue over his own.

"Well, everyone was worried but I nearly had a heart attack when I found out you'd been attacked...Sirius, you should have kept your stupid mouth shut."

Sirius chuckled lightly, his fingers playing with a lock of James' hair absently. "My mouth does tend to land me in trouble, but even you have to admit it is a very talented mouth." His voice dropped to a husky whisper and he leaned towards James, their lips brushing but before he could actually make contact he was pushed away and James slid out of bed, turning his back. Sirius lay back with a soft sigh. "Sorry."

"No, I understand...It's just that I can't hurt Lily, she'd be-"

"I'd be what exactly?"

James almost leapt out of his skin, his eyes huge behind his glasses as he spun around to find himself confronted by Lily Evans wearing a small frown and her arms crossed over her chest. "I-I-er...I-don't...Lily...It's not what you think!"

"Right, so I imagined you about to kiss Black, did I? Come on, James, I'm not stupid." Lily sighed and sat down on the chair by Sirius' bed, she looked at him for a long moment in silence before speaking again. "How are you feeling?" She asked with what Sirius thought was genuine concern.

"As fine as I can be after being tortured by my cousins husband, Evans. Thank you for your concern."

"Er...Lily?" James began tentatively, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder, she turned and looked up at him.

"James, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That you liked men, that you're gay?"

Sirius snorted in wry amusement but stopped laughing when James shot him a disgruntled look. "I'm not, Lily, honestly."

Lily shook her head in exasperation. "I caught you trying to snog your best mate and you're still denying it? James, i'm ok with it! I honestly don't mind, what I don't like are the lies."

Sirius grinned at James who looked very uncomfortable, he watched his reaction curiously. "I swear i'm not gay, I like girls too." James said finally, running a hand through his hair and catching Sirius grinning out the corner of his eye. "Oh Merlin's balls! Why is this even happening?! Lily, I like you a lot but I also...I also like Sirius." He halted, watching Lily for a reaction, she put her hands in her lap and considered the two friends for a long time in silence before sighing heavily.

"Well, a part of me always knew that if I ever went out with you I'd also be dating Sirius." She muttered. "Mary warned me of this."

"Mary...Mary what?" James muttered in confusion.

"She told me her suspicions about you two." Lily clarified. "You two are unnaturally close, even for best friends. It was staring me right in the face and I completely ignored it. Right, well, I need to do some serious thinking, James, you need to get back to your rounds, McGonagall will be suspicious." Lily stood up and put a gentle hand on Sirius' arm, she smiled softly and did something he didn't expect; she kissed him on the cheek. "Take care of yourself, Black. I hope to see you up and around as soon as possible."

Sirius watched her go, his fingers touching the place her lips had been seconds before. James stood still looking utterly baffled, his face screwed up in confusion. "Am I...have I been dumped?" He asked blankly and Sirius shrugged.

"Nah, mate. I think she just needs some time to consider the situation." He said with a yawn, he settled back down into his pillows and closed his eyes. "Now, bugger off Potter, I want to sleep."

James smiled, leaned down and caught Sirius under his chin, he planted a gentle kiss to his lips and drew away. "Get better, Pads and don't ever scare me like that again."

"Yes, sir." Sirius replied sleepily, grinning despite himself as James swept the cloak back over his shoulders and disappeared.

XXX

The morning Sirius leaves the Hospital Wing, three days after the incident, he finds Hogwarts in a sombre mood. Tales of the attack on the Three Broomsticks are sweeping the students, more horror stories crop up in every news paper and magazine available. Children are seen crying in corridors because some relative had been killed, or tortured or worse. Tales of Giants and Inferi cause people to grip their wands in their hands even in the corridors, fights break out in halls and insults are thrown at every opportunity. The world feels as if it has darkened considerably, rumours are no longer just rumours and War has stepped right into the School. The children of known Death Eaters still at large are targeted by other students, animosity is rife between houses, duels are frequent sights within the once safe halls as people, scared out of their minds, start to take it out on each other. Sirius regards the slow collapse of order with a cold eye, Lily and James are at their wits end as they run around trying to put out fires and prevent casualties. Sirius knows that it won't be long before they too are dragged kicking and screaming into the terror, he has seen it happen before. He knows that soon people will begin to regard him with suspicion, he expected it to happen far sooner. His name is just as feared as that of Lestrange and Malfoy, he knows it and no matter how many times his friends laugh and tell him that the people in their house will never think he is a Death Eater prodigy, Sirius does not believe them.

Sirius' assumption is proved correct one day as he left the Dorm alone, he found himself confronted by a group of his fellow Gryffindors all looking as if they would happily hit him. He tried to ignore their glares and pushed past them but someone halted him before he could reach the portrait hole.

"Oi, Black!"

Sirius turned, raising an eyebrow at the fifth year boy who had spoken, he could barely remember his name. "Yes?" He replied icily.

"We've been talking and have decided that we're going to be keeping an eye on you, we don't trust you."

"Good for you. I'm late for breakfast." He turned and left them staring after him, he felt a pang of regret as he walked down to the Great Hall, despite the fact that he had been expecting animosity from his house mates, he hadn't been expecting the feeling of betrayal afterwards. He had known many of them for years, they knew his situation and they knew he had been disowned but they still couldn't see past his name. He was only glad that they hadn't decided to kick his head in, he had no wish to fight them. He found James, Lily, Remus and Peter all eating breakfast, he sat down at James' side and pulled some toast towards himself. He began to butter it with a frown, then spread some jam on it for good measure before taking a bite and snatching the paper from James' hands.

"Oi, I was reading that!" James muttered irritably. "I wanted to know how England's doing in the semis! Give it back!"

"They lost. They always lose." Sirius replied, smirking over the top of the paper at James who swore and threw a spoon at his head, Sirius vanished it absently with a wave of his hand and continued to read the newspaper. Lily goggled at him, her mouth hanging open slightly as she blinked. "What?" Sirius asked, peering at her with a small frown.

"You just...you didn't even use your wand!" She muttered in shock.

Sirius shrugged. "I can only do that with a vanishing spell, I've tried with others and its too hard. It took me nine years to do that much."

"Wow." Lily breathed, a small smile lighting her face. "So, being pureblood has its advantages."

"It's only because my mum forced me to use magic as often as possible the second I began exhibiting signs. I was beaten if I used muggle means." He smiled and returned to his paper, unaware of Lily's shocked expression, James put a hand on her arm to prevent her from asking anymore questions.

After a moment Sirius threw the paper back at James and stood up, "I've got to go to the library, anyone coming?" He asked and James stood up too, he leaned down and pressed a brief kiss to his girlfriends lips and hoisted his bag onto his shoulder. Sirius left with James in tow and they made their slow way towards the library, neither of them spoke for a long time until Sirius halted in a corridor. "Jamie?"

"Yeah?"

"Has Lily spoken to you about...about the other night in the Hospital Wing?" Sirius turned and looked at his friend nervously, James smiled.

"Yeah, she says she's still uncomfortable with the idea that I like you as much as I like her and she's unsure how this will affect us in the future but she's willing to give it go."

"But...but what does that mean f-for us?" Sirius took a step closer, his hands reaching out to take James'.

"I don't know. I really want this to work with Lily, if we continue doing stuff then I'm not sure if she'd be too happy about it."

Sirius sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair, he frowned at a nearby portrait that contained a wizened old man and a woman with blond hair. "For the longest time I never even considered that you'd want me the same way I want you." He sighed heavily and bit his bottom lip. "I've been thinking and...and I'm not sure if I can stand by and watch you fall deeper in love with Evans, it's too hard. It hurts but I can't stop wanting you! It's fucking torture! James, you need to decide...me or Evans?"

James pulled his hand free of Sirius and his face twisted slightly in disgust. "I want you both."

"It's not going to work!" Sirius said desperately. "You can't have bot of us and if you keep this up you'll end up with neither." He paused and leaned against the wall. "Dorian asked me out, you know?"

"He-what?" James' eyes widened then narrowed. "Are you trying to make me jealous?"

"No. I'm being honest. I seriously considered saying yes, he's a nice bloke and has an arse to die for but...I turned him down. I said no for you, Jamie. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm willing to wait for you for the rest of my damned life, even if it means years of unending loneliness and despair, if you tell me too I'd die waiting. I know that's not what you want for me." He said, forestalling James before he could interrupt. "But its how I feel. You are the only person I would ever throw everything away for, my future, my life goals, my happiness...my life. I want you to understand why what you want is something you can't have. I'm jealous, I'm possessive, I know this and it would end up turning me into a monster if you were with Lily and me. I would force myself into your life, take you away from Evans and your family if you had one."

James snorted. "No, you wouldn't."

"You don't know me at all, do you?" Sirius replied softly.

"I know you far better than you know yourself Sirius Black." James smiled and moved into Sirius' personal space, he pinned him against the wall and met his eyes. "There's enough love in me to share between numerous people, Sirius." Without allowing Sirius to protest again he leaned in and captured his mouth with his own. "You need to have more faith in yourself, you're nothing like your family." He whispered against Sirius' lips and smirked wider when Sirius pushed his tongue into his mouth with a loud groan.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I would just like to explain briefly that Sirius has a very low opinion of himself in regards to personality, although this is mainly my headcanon for him I know from experience that any form of bullying can have an extremely adverse affect on the way one views themselves and Sirius was canonically bullied by his parents. This is why he's so insistent that he's an arse hole and that he would be a horrible person to be in a three-way relationship with. As for the three way relationship, it's unusual, I know, but I did touch on it in the previous version of this fic and decided to give it a proper go in this one. Lily in canon is notoriously kind hearted and she loves James with all her heart, I think that this would lead her to more readily accept and allow James to also date Sirius at the same time as her. Again, I know its rather strange but I think it can work and, as I adore both Jily and Sirius/James, why not? I hope you enjoy and, as always, any comments are most welcome.**

Chapter Fourteen

As the school year drew to a close Sirius felt as if he were stood on a precipice, if he looked down all he would see would be darkness. The news of the war outside disturbed him but it had a profound affect on James and Lily who began to voice aloud their desires to help in whatever way they could. Remus appeared interested in James' ideas, he too expressed the opinion that he would like to help in the war, Peter said nothing at all on the subject, merely looking terrified at the very thought but Sirius knew that he would follow James down even the darkest path, he knew because he too would do the same. After all, he thought, someone had to have James' back.

Even during their exams the drums of war seemed to pervade the very walls, every student knowing that, in a few short months, they would step beyond those walls and into a dark world. None of them spoke about it but they could see it on each others faces, they each knew that they could die but somehow the prospect was a vague one, death wasn't something many seventeen year old's could really comprehend as it seemed so very far away. And so, when Dumbledore called the five of them up to his office one night, they went.

They sat in a line before Dumbledore's desk, McGonagall sat beside him with a pale face as she held her hands together. After the initial greeting Dumbledore leaned forward and looked at them all from behind his spectacles, his blue eyes giving an eerie feeling that they were having their minds read. "Thank you all for coming on such short notice, I know that you have the last two of your exams to study for so I appreciate that time is of the essence." He began, smiling a little as James and Sirius exchanged amused looks. "I have asked you all here today to propose an idea, I understand that each of you is now of age and officially an adult. I also understand that you will be leaving us this very summer." He paused again and McGonagall shifted, it seemed to Sirius that she was upset about something but also resigned. "I will begin by explaining that over the years I have been gathering a small group of talented witches and wizards who are willing to work against those dark forces that threaten to destroy our society as we know it, our intent is to act as a bolster to the Ministry of Magic, to work together with them but not be a part of them in case such a time arises that Lord Voldemort-" He paused as Peter and McGonagall shuddered. "takes over." He finished as if nothing had happened. James leaned forward a little, watching Dumbledore eagerly while his hands sought out Sirius and Lily's, they held onto each other tightly as they waited. "Now, we call ourselves The Order of the Phoenix and are few in number at the moment, I have called you all here to offer you a chance to join us, if that is what you wish. Be warned, however," He said, halting James before he could speak, "that it is going to be exceedingly dangerous, you will be placing your lives at constant risk. There will be sacrifices made, people will lose their lives and I refuse to allow you to go into this blind. I am asking you because we need all the help we can get and you five have shown an aptitude towards magic that impresses all of your teachers. Think carefully before agreeing."

"Sir, if I may?" James asked softly and Dumbledore nodded. "I don't need to consider anything. I know for a fact that I can't stand by and watch as people are killed and tortured, I refuse to stand aside and let these atrocities continue, I would rather be dead. My answer is yes and i'm fully aware of the risks involved."

"Potter, I'm not sure you truly do understand, no one can until they have encountered what is to come." McGonagall said quietly, a small frown on her face. "I will not say that I am pleased with Albus' idea to ask students to join The Order, you are all so very young and have so much more to learn before joining a war that will potentially destroy you, however, I also understand the necessity of the thing. We have no choice but to ask you to help, we are outnumbered and out-gunned."

"I will join too." Lily said, giving James' hand a squeeze. "I'm muggle born and who else can possibly understand what it is like to be persecuted? I refuse to allow it to continue."

"I agree with Lily." Remus said quietly after a long moment deep in thought. "I have very similar reasons for wanting to end any kind of prejudices."

"Er...well, if James is going to do it, I might as well." Peter said, shifting nervously in his chair.

Dumbledore nodded before turning his piercing gaze to Sirius, who bowed his head and stared at his knees. His gut reaction was to follow James into hell but as he thought he realised that there were many reasons why it could potentially be a bad idea, he wasn't exactly very adept at following orders and usually he was more likely to become reckless and get his friends in trouble, also there was the fact that he would be fighting members of his own family. The face of Regulus rose in his minds eye and he pushed it away roughly, he couldn't allow love for his estranged brother to sour his decision. Finally he looked up and took a breath. "All right, sounds fun. I'm in." He grinned and felt James' fingers tighten on his own.

And that was it, their destiny seemed secured. They were all headed down an unknown path, none of them entirely certain if they would ever walk out the other side.

XXX

As the five of them stood upon Platform nine and three quarters and watched the bright red steam train leave them for the last time the five friends felt as if a new bond had formed between them. A bond that transcended friendship and bound them together in chains stronger than steel. They all knew that the second they stepped foot outside the train station they would no longer be children, they would be thrust into adult hood in the most brutal way. It was James who broke the uneasy silence by throwing his arms around Lily and Sirius' shoulders, he planted a soft kiss on Lily's temple before doing the same to Sirius. "Come on, let's get out of here." He said softly and led them all away from their last safe haven.

King's Cross was packed as usual, Muggles went about their daily routines with barely a glance at the unusual gaggle of children seemingly appearing from no where. James released Lily who had spotted her parents, she turned and gave James a lingering kiss before beaming brilliantly at the others. "I'll see you all at the meeting on Tuesday?" She asked and they nodded, she hugged Remus and gave Sirius a quick peck on the cheek before moving off into the crowd to greet her parents. James and Sirius turned to Peter and Remus. "Sirius and I have come to an agreement." James said, looking at Remus intently. "In the current climate we know that you're going to struggle to live, you can't get a job thanks to those stupid laws and you're going to need help."

"James, I don't-"

"Just listen, Moony." Sirius said, grinning despite himself.

"I've got money, Remus." James continued, "Lots of money. It would be no trouble to give you enough so you can at least eat three square meals a day, mate."

"And my new place has two bedrooms." Sirius added.

"Honestly, I can't-"

James cut Remus off again, frowning a little sternly. "You can't refuse, we won't let you."

"But-"

"It's done and you can't say no, that'd be rude." Sirius flung his arm around Remus' shoulders and dragged him to his side. "What do you say, Roomie?" Remus, blushing furiously and stammering himself into silence finally gave in and nodded weakly. "Then its a deal, you've got a roof over your head and money for supplies, don't worry, Moons, we've always got your back."

"What else are friends for?" James agreed, moving to Remus' other side and wrapping an arm around his shoulder as well.

"I'm going to be spending a couple of weeks at James' just to sort out the finer details of the flat and sorting out my stuff but then I'm moving in, so just turn up whenever you're ready."

They left a stunned Remus and Peter to their parents and began slowly wending their way to some private spot where they could apparate to the Potter's house. "Why didn't your parents come to meet us?" Sirius asked suddenly, he had not thought of their absence.

"Mum sent me a letter yesterday saying that she and dad've been ill." James replied, shrugging casually. "I suspect they just don't feel up to it."

"Oh, ok." Sirius smiled and took James' hand as they stopped down an empty alley way. He flicked his wand and James chuckled as a huge bunch of flowers erupted from the end, he caught them and grinned as they both spun into suffocating darkness.

The Potter's house was unusually dark when they arrived, James and Sirius shared a nervous glance. "I'm sure they're just sleeping, Jamie. Come on." He pulled James forward and opened the door, they stepped over the threshold and dumped their suitcases in the hall, Sirius gave them a brief guilty look, knowing that Dorea would scold them for not taking them straight up to their bedrooms. "Mum! Dad! We're home!" James called and paused, head cocked to one side as he awaited an answer. Only silence greeted them. "Asleep?" He half asked Sirius who nodded his head and began making his way up the stairs, Sirius could hear the slight worry in James' voice and felt a slither of ice enter his gut, he showed nothing of his feelings, he was likely just being paranoid. "Dorea? Charlus?" Sirius called, fighting with his voice to stay steady as he and James stepped on the creaky floorboards of the hall way. They walked over to James' parents bedroom and knocked.

"Mum? Dad?" James called again nervously before pushing open the door and stepping into the room, it was normally neat, bright and clean but when the door opened he was greeted with the terrible scent of sickness. He swallowed the tight lump in his throat, his face twisted and he edged forwards, his feet moving without his brains permission. He didn't want to see. He didn't want to know.

"Jamie." Sirius hissed sharply, his eyes adapting much quicker to the dimness than James', he reached out and made to grab his arm to pull him back but missed.

"Mum?" James' voice was barely a whisper as he reached his parents bed side, he found himself staring down at them both, lying side by side as if asleep but there was a distinct lack of movement in their chests. "D-Dad..."

"James..." Sirius grabbed hold of the door frame, his knuckles white as he stared with vague incomprehension at the two old people in the bed. It was as if they were someone else, as if he didn't know them. Their skin had a greenish tinge to it and he could see the dark spots that had erupted all over them.

James stared at his parents. His mind was utterly blank. Dragon Pox...it shouldn't have killed them, he thought but then he realised with a sickening jolt that they were _old_. Somehow he had never seen the wrinkles, the greying hair or the general ageing, not until now. He lifted a shaking hand and reached out for his mother's peaceful face but suddenly withdrew it, his stomach tightened painfully, threatening to spew forth its contents. He took a shaky step back, eyes wide and face as white as a sheet. "No. No. No." He began chanting, barely aware that he was speaking. He spun on his heel and fled the room, he ran away from the sight of his parents bodies, from the smell of sickness and death. He fled, his feet trampling the flowers that Sirius had conjured for Dorea Potter, unaware that they had fallen from numb fingers. Sirius stood by the door for a moment longer before taking a deep, shaking breath, he pushed back the tears, he forced away the urge to scream and he stepped inside the room, bending to pick up one of the bright daisy's he had dropped. Dorea liked daisy's, she said that they always reminded her of her childhood. He lay the daisy on the cover, taking the woman's cold hand and wrapping it firmly around the stem before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to her brow. "Thank you." He breathed, his voice breaking and a few stray tears landing in her hair.

James sat on the floor of the bathroom, his hands gripping his hair so tightly it hurt. His eyes squeezed firmly shut as he fought with himself, his emotions swelled until he could hold them in no longer and tears began searing their way from beneath his eye lids. There was a knock and Sirius' shaky voice filtered through the door; "A-are you all right?"

"Go'way!" James shouted back, unable to bear the thought of allowing someone else to see him, not yet. He heard Sirius choke back a sob and then his footsteps as he walked away. He knew that Sirius would do the practical things, but at that moment he could barely even move, let alone contact St. Mungos and actually arrange for someone to come and pick up the bodies. They were his parents. They had raised him, doted on him, spoilt him rotten. He could hear his father's loud laughter, he could see his mother's hands reaching for him, so soft and gentle and loving and kind. Something inside him broke. He curled in on himself and let go, allowing the pain and grief to rip itself free of his body in long, anguished sobs.

XXX

He knew that he should be doing what Sirius was doing, he was their son after all, but he could not bring himself to get up from the sofa. He should have been walking around, speaking to the guests at the wake and mingling as was his duty as the only son, instead he sat there, clutching a glass of champaign in one hand and staring into the fire without really seeing it. The funeral had been quiet and he supposed it was quite nice, but James could barely remember it. It was all a blur of words, noises and flowers and people saying worthless things to him. Condolences? Would they bring his mother back? Would the fact that some old woman he had never met was sorry for his loss let him hug his father again? It was stupid and pointless and if it hadn't been for Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily James would have shut himself up in his room and refused to leave. Most of the people there he had never met or who apparently knew him as a baby and toddler, he didn't care. He couldn't really care about much anymore. He was alone. He had no one. His parents had left him in a cold, cruel world and he was utterly lost. As those thoughts and more swirled around his head he felt someone sit at his side, soft, gentle hands took his and he turned to find Lily sitting at his side, her face was pale and full of such sympathy James felt his heart break a little more. A single tear slid down his cheek as Lily took him into her arms, her hands sliding up and down his back in a soothing gesture. "Shh, James. It's ok." Her voice shook a little but James let it wash over him, he closed his eyes and tangled his free hand in her hair as he buried his face in her neck. "You're not alone, I promise."

Sirius stood in the hall way after having excused himself from the crowded room, he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. He felt strange going through the motions of arranging the Potter's funeral, he knew that it was James' duty but he simply could not let James do it when he was so obviously stricken. He had been walking around the room, offering drinks, talking to people and trying to do the right things but the guests seemed suspicious. They gave him odd looks, some even openly asking him what a Black was doing at the Potter's funeral, he explained that he was James' friend and that Dorea and Charlus had taken him in and treated him like a son but nothing seemed to assuage their fears. Instead he ignored their veiled jibes and did what he had to do, because James was in no fit state to face these harpies. He had had years of training, he knew how to work a room and he did it smoothly, never allowing anything but polite indifference to grace his features, covering his own agonising grief with a mask his parents had taught him but it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Now though he had a few spare minutes to himself while Lily took over, he sighed heavily and slid down the wall, pushing both hands deep into his hair as he remembered the funeral in flashes of vivid colour. The crimson roses. The pitch black robes of the guests. The quiet sounds of grief. The crisp white of starched collars and gentle hues of the cravats. He couldn't really remember much of what anyone had actually said, all he could hear in his minds ear was his own stumbling, pathetic speech about what an honourable man and woman they had been, how generous and kind and loving to a lost boy who had left his abusive home. He took another shaking breath and forced his eyes open, he stood up and straightened out his own dress robes, adjusted his cravat and breathed again, deeply, slowly, until the urge to cry faded. When he was ready he re-entered the room.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I am so sorry for the long wait between updates but I have been so terribly busy. I hope this chapter is enjoyable. Thank you to my ever lovely Reviewers, you are the reason I continue!**

Chapter Fifteen

Three nights after the funeral Sirius was woken by cold hands trailing over his skin, he moaned and forced his eyes open to find himself looking up at James. The moon light glinted from his glasses and he was frowning, still fully clothed in a rumpled shirt, the buttons all done up wrong and a pair of jeans with the fly undone. He was kneeling over Sirius, gazing down at him with a vague but determined expression. "Jamie?" Sirius croaked, rubbing his eyes and turning slightly to get a look at the clock on his bedside table. "Wha' time is it?" James ignored him, instead leaning down and capturing his mouth, Sirius felt James' hands in his hair, pulling roughly. "Ow, Jamie..." He muttered, hissing breath through his teeth as James once again ignored him and began nipping at his exposed throat, forcing a grunt from him. "Merlin, James, calm down a second...just let me wake up a minute."

"Shut up, Pad's, I need this." James replied roughly, breathing sickly sweet breath over Sirius' lips.

"Have you been drinking again?" Sirius asked, a little confused by James' sudden wake up call.

"Yeah, so what? Just let me fuck you."

"It's not that i'm against the fucking, its that i'm not sure if its a good idea right now. We've got our first Order meeting in the morning and I don't want to be too tired to concentrate."

"I don't give a fuck about the stupid Order meeting! I need you, Sirius!" James' unusually pleading voice did Sirius in and he caved, he wrapped James in his arms, holding him tightly and pressing soft kisses over his trembling lips.

"It's all right, I'm here." He breathed and allowed James to slide his hands up beneath his pyjama top.

It was unusually rough, James' fingers left bruises all over Sirius' pale skin. He bit and scratched and swore and Sirius let him take his anger out on his body, he was used to it and he would allow James to do anything to him if it meant that it might go some way towards healing him. It was sticky, messy and bone chillingly good. Sirius' gasps and moans and soft, encouraging whispers were swallowed by the darkness and James' seemingly insatiable hunger. Sirius gripped the bedsheets so tightly he felt them tear a little but spared it little thought as James moved inside him, heat washed through him, easing the sharp pain and forcing words like; more and harder from his battered lips. James' breath was shaky, his eyes seeming to glow in the dark with a strange, feral light, he muttered incomprehensible things to Sirius' skin, he left dark bruises in the wake of his mouth and long lines of saliva where he ran his tongue over the points of his hips, his thighs and belly. Sirius could hardly breath for desire, his lungs burned, his body trembled. Their love making was slow but rough and had an edge of insane passion to it that their last few bouts had lacked. Sirius knew that it was too good to last and something stirred in the back of his mind as his orgasm came rocketing through his system, for some unknown reason this felt like an ending.

Afterwards, as dawn light crept into their little room, Sirius stared up at the ceiling, still wrapped irrevocably around James and wondered when the thing that had been bothering him would surface. Finally, James stirred and nipped at Sirius' ear lobe before whispering; "I'm going to marry her, Pad's."

Sirius felt his heart stop briefly, when it finally regained its natural beat he swallowed the hard lump in his throat and tasted bile. "Really? How nice." He muttered, feeling guilty suddenly for the bitterness of his words.

"I knew you wouldn't like it." James replied sleepily, he yawned and rolled off of Sirius, leaving a kiss behind on his shoulder. "Would you be my best man?" He asked, sitting up so that the first rays of sunlight hit his body, turning his skin pale gold and red.

Sirius considered, briefly, saying no but realised a second later that he couldn't. He could never say no to James. "You know I will you bastard." He muttered, trying to tear his eyes away from James' naked body as he stood and swayed towards the door to the bedroom, leaving his clothes behind in a messy pile.

"Thanks." James frowned at the door a moment, his hand lingering on the handle before turning to look at his best friend. "I love her, Sirius."

Sirius nodded, there was nothing he could say. He watched James leave and felt cold, he shivered and pulled the duvet up to his shoulders. He spent a while glaring at the plain wall before finally getting up and going to take a shower.

XXX

Sirius yawned as he sat down at the long table where several other people sat, some he recognised like Marlene McKinnon and Mad-Eye Moody, others he wasn't so familiar with. He sat beside James, leaning on one hand and desperately trying not to fall asleep as more people entered the room. Lily sat down beside James, kissing him and giving Sirius a bright smile, he tried to smile back but it came out as a kind of grimace. He was so exhausted he could barely concentrate on all the names said as people introduced themselves, he simply forced a smile and repeated his own name over and over again until he felt like going insane. The meeting was apparently merely a chance for the newest members of the Order to get to know those who were recruited before hand. Once again Dumbledore went over the reason the Order existed and reiterated that they were not part of the Ministry and had to remain separate. Sirius felt himself zoning in and out, concentration was impossible however as his mind began drifting to James' pronouncement early that morning, he knew it didn't bode well for him, James was going to marry Lily and slowly drift apart from him, surely no single person could hope to keep up two relationships? Marriage was supposed to be between two people, not three, so Sirius would end up as simply a third wheel and eventually be left out in the cold on his own. He knew he had to accept the inevitable but it was hard when all he wanted was James, he wanted to keep him for himself, despite how nice Lily was. He wanted to wake up by his side every day, to eat breakfast together, to laugh and fight and do every other damned thing a couple did but if he married Lily all that would be little more than a lovely dream. Finally, after hours of droning the Order meeting came to a close, Sirius didn't realise as he remained seated in a strange kind of stupor until Remus touched him on the arm.

"You look like you need some sleep." He said softly and smiled, Sirius returned it weakly.

"That I do, Moony." He croaked and yawned again, hiding it behind his hand. "Have you got your stuff moved in yet?" He asked as he followed James and Lily out the door.

"I have and...I didn't get a chance to say it at Kings Cross the other day but thank you, Sirius."

Sirius smiled, a real one this time. "It's nothing." He said and flung an arm around Remus' shoulder. "Let's go home, I'm knackered and need to sleep." Remus said nothing about his choice of sleeping quarters, Sirius had spent the days since the funeral with James, ensuring he ate and generally looking after him, but now obviously something had happened to upset him and he seemed unable to return to James' house. Remus knew when to keep his mouth shut however, and said nothing, merely allowing Sirius to guide him to the designated apparition point.

The second they got back to Sirius' new flat Sirius went to his bedroom, dragging a reluctant Remus behind him and threw himself on the bed. Remus fell with him and sighed heavily as Sirius wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his hair. "'night, Moons." He muttered thickly and Remus stayed still as Sirius' breathing evened out. Something must have hurt him, and badly, for him to be seeking comfort in such an intimate way from Remus, Sirius usually went to James for that kind of thing but this time it was probably James who had hurt him. Remus sighed again and settled down to stare up at the ceiling, the flat was nice but not too expensive, Sirius had yet to really implant his personality on it so its walls were bare and the carpet was ragged, but it was home and Remus was exceedingly lucky to have friends who would do so much for him, the least he could do was allow Sirius to cuddle into him like a lost puppy.

XXX

Sirius sat at a table, his hands pushed deep into his hair as he stared down at the blank piece of parchment before him. His quill stood upright in its ink pot, seeming to mock his utter lack of inspiration. He was so deep in thought that he didn't hear the door open.

"You haven't even written one word."

Sirius yelped and almost leapt from his seat, his eyes widened as he turned so quickly he felt his neck crack a little. "What-Remus!" He gasped, putting a hand over his heart and slumping a little. "Merlin, I almost had a heart attack."

Remus grinned deviously before taking a seat by Sirius' side, he waved his wand absently and the flames of several candles spread light across the dim room. "You've been sat here nearly all day, you know you should just write what you feel."

Sirius laughed bitterly, leaning back in his chair and pushing hair from his eyes. "Yeah, that'd go down real well wouldn't it? 'Jamie, you shouldn't have married her, you should marry me because I love you.' Excellent way to end a friendship."

"You know what I mean, Sirius." Remus stood up, as he passed Sirius he let his fingers brush the top of his head affectionately. "Do you want some tea?"

Sirius let himself lean into the touch and smiled a little. "Love some, thanks, Moony." He settled himself back into the chair and picked up his quill, he loaded it with ink and frowned down at the paper. He had had no idea just how difficult it would be to write a best man speech, why did he even have to do it? Wasn't it enough that he was the one who would hand James the rings at the alter? Wasn't it enough that he would be forced to smile and laugh and congratulate as if he was happy? He sighed heavily and touched the quill tip to the parchment, leaving behind a black dot. Slowly he began to write, when Remus put down a mug at his elbow he barely even noticed.

XXX

"Hey! Hey, Pads!" Sirius turned to see James running towards him, his feet crunching over the gravel of the drive way of the large house they were meeting at. Sirius smiled as James came to a halt and wrapped an arm around him, he let himself be pulled to James' side and their lips touched briefly. "So, Lily wants a muggle style wedding because her parents might get freaked out if there's too much magic." He said, steering Sirius towards the grand building. "She also wants it outside, which is fine so long as it doesn't rain...but you know what the weather's like."

"No magic?" Sirius asked, frowning a little. "Won't that be boring? I had plans-"

"Plans?" James narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What plans?"

Sirius smirked playfully. "Oh, you'll just have to wait to find out, Prongs old friend." He said and planted a soft kiss on the side of his mouth before striding off towards the manor house, his smirk lingering around his lips as he heard James spluttering behind him.

"Sirius, if you're planning something that will ruin our big day I'll kill you!" James hissed as they both sat down at the long table.

"Who, moi? I would never dream of it, Jamie!" Sirius replied haughtily. "I am the best man, it is my responsibility to ensure nothing bad happens, is it not?"

"Yeah...well...responsibility and you don't really go well together, do they?"

"You wound me." Sirius said in a dead voice, his eyes sweeping the room.

"Look, please, this isn't just my day it's Lily's too and her family are going to be there-" He hesitated and grimaced. "Except her sister and her husband, Merlin, Sirius, did I tell you what happened when I met them? They were awful! I've never had someone be so rude to me, that Vernon bloke is an arse of the highest degree, a real snob if ever I saw one and Petunia, well...she certainly does not share anything in common with Lily. She wouldn't even shake hands with me, as if I was diseased or something."

"Well, they're muggle's aren't they?" Sirius replied as if that explained everything.

"Yeah, but they're the kind that would likely happily see us burnt at the stake again." James sighed heavily and began fiddling with the sleeve of his jumper. "I was on my best behaviour too, I promised Lily I would be. I didn't even hex them as we were leaving, which I was sorely tempted to do."

"Do they still think that even worked?" Sirius asked absently, watching others enter the room, chatting merrily as they sat down.

"No idea, I suspect so...they killed loads of their own in the process, didn't they? Hey! Peter!" James half-rose out of his chair and began waving as Peter shuffled into the room behind Dorcas Meadows, he grinned and bounced towards them, taking a seat beside Sirius. "How are things?" James asked, sitting down and smiling happily.

"Good, my mum's been trying to convince me not to move out but really, i'm an adult now and its time I moved on. I think she's even been hiding my things to keep me with her, its very annoying."

Sirius sniggered. "Ah well, at least you'll be free soon." He said, clapping Peter on the shoulder.

"The invitations to the wedding have been sent out, did you get yours?" James asked eagerly, eyes glittering as he leaned across Sirius to talk to Peter.

"Yes I did, mum sends her congratualtions."

"Tell her thanks." James sat back and stretched, one hand jumping to his hair as Lily finally arrived looking upset by something. "Lils?" Lily moved towards them and allowed James to press a kiss to her cheek before slumping despondently into her chair.

"Petunia sent back her invite." She muttered sadly and James wrapped an arm around her, kissing the top of her head.

"I'm sorry."

"Well, it's not as if I didn't expect it...I just...I suppose I just let myself get my hopes up." She sighed heavily and turned a weak smile onto Sirius. "Hello."

"Hi, I'm sorry your sister won't be at the wedding, Lily."

"Yeah, me too." Lily settled down as the last two people came into the room, Hagrid's loud laughter echoing to the rafters as Remus said something amusing startled people into silence as Dumbledore finally stepped into the room and shut the door.

"Welcome, I see that you are all here, excellent. Now, allow us to begin. Moody, if you would be so kind..." Moody stood and nodded in Dumbledore's direction, his face a mask of seriousness.

"Now then, as you all know He Who Must Not be Named has now gained the allegiance of the giants, along with other magical creatures. He is using them to strike yet more terror into the hearts of the Wizarding World, attacks on the Muggles have been increasing in frequency and as yet we have no idea if there is a pattern to these attacks or whether it is simply random. The Minister has given us permission to use-" He cleared his throat, clearly not liking what he was about to say. "Reasonable Force, against our enemies."

"Excuse me, what does that even mean?" Sirius asked curiously.

"It means, Black, that we're allowed to use the Unforgivable Curses on Death Eaters."

There was sudden silence at this pronouncement until James cleared his throat. "That makes us no better than them, surely?"

"I quite agree, Potter, but I suppose that some will have no issue with it." Moody growled, obviously seething at the very idea of the Unforgivable Curses going unpunished. "Anyway, our orders are to kill if necessary but I implore you all to apprehend Death Eaters alive, they must serve their sentences! There's no point in becoming a murderer for scum like that."

The meeting wore on, Sirius listened in mounting horror as Moody recounted the numbers of dead and missing, muggle and Wizard alike. There had been numerous attempts on the lives of several important Ministry members, as well as a suspected case of the Imperius Curse being used upon the Muggle's Minister for Agriculture, although Dumbledore said that this was likely a mistake on the part of the Death Eater and that it was likely he was supposed to aim for someone of more import. Finally the meeting was over. Sirius had been given a job of tailing a known Death Eater who had begun to act suspiciously with James. As they filed out together Dumbledore spoke.

"Remus, dear boy, a word, if you please."

Remus paused, one hand on the door, he looked back at his friends, an odd look crossing his face before he smiled. "Go ahead, I'll see you at home, Sirius." Sirius left but glanced behind often, a frown across his face as he wondered what Dumbledore wanted.

Remus had known it was coming but it didn't prevent the sharp stab of fear that went through him when Dumbledore finally asked him. "As you are aware Voldemort has been recruiting Werewolves, he has told them that by following him they will gain their freedom...of course, it is all lies but I need to know what it is he is planning with them. They are currently working underground, their base of operations is marked clearly on this map." He pushed a piece of parchment towards Remus who hesitated, his fingers hovering above it as he waited for the axe to fall. "I must ask you if you would be willing to become my spy within their ranks." He said finally, noting the soft shake in Remus' fingers.

"I-" Remus took a deep breath and finally met that cool blue gaze. "Of course Dumbledore, if it would help, I would be happy to."

"Excellent. Now, their leader is a man named Fenrir Greyback." He watched Remus twitch a little at the name. "I see you have heard of him."

"What wizarding child doesn't?" He replied.

"Indeed. He has been biting and turning children, removing them from their parents to raise them to hate Wizards. His intention, I think, is to create an army of Werewolves. This cannot be allowed to happen, I must know exactly what he's doing and I ask you, if possible, to attempt to thwart him wherever possible, without blowing your cover. I understand that this is rather a lot to ask but I have no one else."

"I understand, Albus and I will do it."

"Thank you, Remus. I would also advise that you keep this a secret between us, for obvious reasons we cannot have word of what you are doing accidentally leaking out."

Remus sighed and nodded. "Of course, sir."


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: This is a Remus centric chapter, mostly because I feel that his story is important to the rest of the story but also because I love him and enjoy writing for him. Anyway, I hope it is to your liking, I will say that I do struggle to write Greyback so I'm not entirely sure if this would be accurate or not, for that I apologise. **

Chapter Sixteen

"Sirius, you have to understand that I have to do this alone!" Remus insisted, putting a hand on his friends shoulder and imploring him with his eyes.

"But why? You haven't had to be alone since fifth year, why would you want to go back to how things were before?"

"Because I-" He paused, biting his lip before the truth spilled from his mouth. He averted his gaze and sighed. "Because sometimes I need to be alone." He said finally, stepping away from Sirius and smiling in a way that he hoped covered his terror. "Please, just this once."

"Well, if you say so, Moony but I still don't understand." Sirius said, finally deflating and slumping back onto the sofa. "Although I can't see James being too happy about it to be honest."

"No, neither can I. Anyway, I need to go, there's dinner on the side, just make sure you use the correct charm to reheat it, last time you nearly blew the kitchen up."

Sirius grinned guiltily, even now there were scorch marks all over the work tops. "Ok, look after yourself."

"I always do." Remus replied, the tension in his voice was badly hidden but he forced another smile and turned away, he stepped out of the flat and took a deep, steadying breath. It had to be this way, despite the fact that he despised lying to his best friends.

Sirius watched the door close on his friend and frowned a little as he lit a cigarette and blew smoke from his lips. Something about the situation was strange, Remus was acting odd but he couldn't fathom why. After a moment he stood up and went to the kitchen to heat up his dinner, it was likely he was just being paranoid, he would go and see James after he had eaten and take his mind off of the situation.

XXX

The sun lingered on the horizon, casting everything in an eerie red glow as Remus cautiously approached the derelict building. Inside he could hear the terrible noises of his own kind, he shivered, glancing once again up at the sky and wondering if he would be able to control the wolf as he had when his friends had been with him. He shook off the terrifying thoughts that plagued him and walked up to the cracked door, he knocked and waited patiently. It opened slowly revealing a young face surrounded by white hair and bright, inquisitive eyes. "Yes?"

"I am here to meet Greyback? I had a meeting with him."

"Oh, you must be the newbie. Come in." The boy pulled open the door and Remus stepped into the dark interior. As he passed the boy took a deep breath and sneered.

"Wizards." He muttered darkly, eyes boring into Remus' back like daggers.

"Yes, unfortunately I was attempting to live with them." Remus smiled and held out his hand. "Remus Lupin."

"Reggie." The boy replied, eyeing his hand warily but not taking it. "Greyback's through here. You said you had a meeting with him?"

"Yes."

"He doesn't normally do that kind of thing, especially with someone so old."

"Old?" Remus winced a little, one hand going to the grey hairs appearing on his hair. "I'm eighteen."

"Oh. I'm sixteen, you're old." The boy gave him a smirk and Remus laughed, the sound echoing oddly around the dank room they had entered. Several other young children looked over, watching the newcomer suspiciously and scenting the air like animals. They were dirty, their hair matted and their clothes ragged, Remus could see the first signs of malnutrition on many of them, their young faces looked older than his and it pained him to see. He passed someone who was curled up by the side of another, Remus noted that they couldn't have been much older than ten years, sickness filled him and he had to force his eyes away and move on. Finally he found himself inside a dimly lit room, a single desk sat in the centre and the cracked windows were covered in bits of wood to keep out the chill. There was a fire in the hearth that did little to warm the room but lit a hunched figure, he was leaning over the desk, muttering to himself as he scratched at a piece of parchment with a quill that was nearly bold. After a second he looked up, revealing an aged face, yellowed teeth and filthy, matted grey hair. "What do you want? I told you not to disturb me."

"Sir, this bloke wants to see you. Said you had a meeting."

Greyback's eyes narrowed as he took in Remus' appearance. "Do I know you?" He asked, standing slowly and stalking closer, he sniffed the air and his face twisted. "You stink of Wizards."

"My name is Remus Lupin, I contacted you through your correspondent and asked that we meet...you agreed." Remus said, stiffening slightly as Greyback moved closer, his frown becoming more pronounced as Remus spoke his name.

"Lupin? I know that name." He muttered, seemingly to himself as he looked Remus up and down, noting the battered robes, the early signs of ageing and then, without asking permission he reached out and tore down the shoulder of Remus' robes, forcing a surprised grunt from him as he was dragged closer. Harsh, calloused fingers traced the scars on his shoulder, the oldest scars where cursed teeth had turned him into a monster. "Lupin, aye?" Greyback released Remus who pulled his robes back over his scars with a shaking hand. Greyback laughed. "I know that name, met your father once, boy."

"You-what?" Remus' eyes widened briefly but the werewolf didn't seem to want to elaborate.

"Anyway, to business. I agreed to meet you to listen to what you have to say for yourself." He sat back behind his desk and snapped his fingers, Reggie moved towards him and reached under the desk, bringing forth a bottle of cheap whisky and two cracked glasses. He poured them both a drink and stepped back, hidden in the shadows. Remus didn't dare touch the filthy glass but Greyback seemed not to care as he downed the drink in one and watched Remus shrewdly. "Well?"

"Well? Oh. Right, of course. I heard about your mission and I wish to join you...if you'll have me." Remus said, watching Greyback for any sign that he was going to kill him, his hand clutched his wand that was stashed away in his pocket.

"I normally prefer 'em younger." Greyback said with a nasty grin, revealing teeth that were stained with blood, Remus suppressed a shudder of revulsion. "But you will do, we need all the help we can get boy. Welcome to your new pack."

Greyback stood again, after realising Remus wasn't about to take the drink, he drank it himself and wiped a dirty sleeve across his mouth before grinning again and moving towards the door. "Allow me to introduce you to your new pack mates." He growled and left the room, Remus followed and heard the soft footsteps of Reggie behind him. "As i'm sure you're aware I have been recruiting young ones, the Dark Lord has promised us revenge on those who'd treat us like garbage." He spat as he walked down the corridor, pushing another door open and leading Remus through it. Inside was a group of battered, starved looking children who all looked up as Greyback entered. The eldest were no older than Remus, the youngest looked to be about five years old. Remus somehow hid his shudder. "I've brought you all a new play mate!" Greyback said with relish as the children began moving cautiously forward, one girl frowned darkly.

"He stinks." She said quietly.

"Human garbage." Another, a boy, replied with a cold glare.

"Now, now, play nice, children. He's here to help."

"Help? We don't need no help from ones like 'im. He's too old."

"I'm eighteen!" Remus muttered tiredly, the coming full was wearing on him and his patience was thin.

"My cubs always find a way back to me." Greback muttered, grinning darkly, his eyes sparkled in the gloom and Remus felt his hackles rise.

"Cubs?"

"Those who have been gifted." Reggie replied, smiling a little. "Greyback took us in, he's helped us when no one else would."

"G-gifted...?" Remus frowned and Greyback laughed roughly, he reached out and touched the scars on Remus' shoulder.

"Ever wondered who gave you them scars?" He growled.

"N-No...I-I..." He felt his knees go weak but managed to grab the door to hold himself steady. "You mean it was _you_?"

"Didn't know, huh? Well, your father'd be too cowardly to tell the truth. Lyall Lupin an' me are old buddies." He grinned revealing those awful teeth again.

"No. No it can't be! He would have told me!" Remus wasn't sure why exactly he was so thrown off balance and he knew that if he wasn't careful he could blow his cover. With a great wrench of will he pulled himself together and took a breath. "What happened? Please, I need to know."

"You sure, boy? Don't reckon your Dad'd be too pleased."

"I'm sure."

Greyback shrugged and motioned for Remus to take a seat on one of the old, mouldy sofas in what he assumed to be the living room. The children gathered round curiously, a small girl of about seven sat by his side and played idly with a doll that only had one eye. As Greyback spoke of the story of how he had met Lyall Lupin Remus felt cold enter his heart, it felt as if he were being strangled with the truth. The knowledge drove a wedge into him, making him feel betrayed by one of the few people who he had thought had ever loved him. He pushed hands into his hair and closed his eyes tightly, listening to Greyback's story with terror in his heart. The girl at his side smiled and put her hand in his, she held out her doll to him. "It's ok. My Mummy and Daddy were mean to me too. They said that I was a monster and so Mr. Greyback took me to his home instead. Dolly is always here to make me feel better, you can borrow her if you like." She pushed the dirty doll into Remus' lap, he felt a tired smile tug at his lips as he stared into its broken plastic face.

"Thank you." He said with feeling.

"My parents weren't there when Greyback came." Reggie said quietly, his eyes dark and haunted as he rested a hand on Remus' knee, he was crouched before him and was gazing up at him through his tangled hair. "He gave me a new life, a reason for existing. We owe him."

"Reggie..." Remus cut himself off, he couldn't very well start preaching to these kids with Greyback in ear shot, it was too risky, but perhaps the fact that he was here would give him a chance to start to guide these children and help them realise how terribly misguided they all were.

"It's not so bad here, you'll get used to it." Reggie smiled as Greyback stood up, he put a hand on the boys shoulder and he stood up too.

"Come boy, I need you." Reggie nodded and followed his leader out of the room, the other children watched them go and as the door closed the girl who had leant her doll to Remus stirred.

"He's Mr. Greyback's favourite now." She said and giggled.

"What does that mean?" Remus asked, unsure if he really wanted to know the answer.

"Every so often Greyback chooses from among us to be his favourite, we serve him in whatever way he needs." An older girl replied, pushing her hair from her eyes and watching Remus with intense distrust. "It was Harriet for a few weeks until she broke and...well...ended up in the cellar." Her voice dropped to a whisper and the others shifted uncomfortably.

"What's the cellar?" Remus asked, he hated everything he was hearing but every detail mattered if he was going to give Dumbledore a full report when he returned.

"Well, sometimes one of us might lose their minds for one reason or another and they're sent to the cellar downstairs and locked up there. We don't know what happens afterwards but sometimes there's screaming and...and during the full moon we smell blood." A boy said with a shiver, he wrapped his arms around himself and let one of the others pull him to their side. "My sister's down there." He whispered harshly and fell silent.

"Why do you follow him if he's doing this?" Remus asked, dropping his voice to a whisper and glancing at the door. "Surely there must be some other option?"

The girl snorted derisively. "Oh yeah? Since when have our kind ever had options? Where have you been all these years, under a rock? For fucks sake we can't leave you idiot! Our families have abandoned us, no one else wants us and we're stuck! Only Greyback has ever treated us as anything remotely human! He feeds us, allows us house room and teaches us everything he knows! I suppose you were one of the lucky ones, huh?" She sneered at him in disgust. "I 'spect you had a mum and dad who loved you, right? Well, not all of us can be so bloody lucky!"

Remus gazed at her in sympathy. "I'm sorry, I never considered the other side of things. I have never considered myself lucky...not since I was bitten but now...now I suppose that I really was."

"Dolly says that those humans are meanies." The girl at his side said suddenly. "They hit us and call us names. We hate them."

"Not all of them are like that though." Remus said softly, causing several older children to shake their heads in disbelief. "No, just hear me out here. I myself was raised and loved by my parents, despite the fact that they...that they were obviously afraid of me." He swallowed, he had never even admitted that to his friends, it was hard speaking it aloud. "Then I met the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore. He gave me a chance to go to school when I had never even dared hope, he ensured that there was a safe space for me to change when there was a full moon and I-I ended up making four of the best friends anyone could ever ask for." He smiled and saw what he thought was hope stirring in some of the children's eyes. "Yes, I have friends."

"Normal friends? As in...they're not like us?" One child asked, leaning forward eagerly.

"Yes. They have sacrificed and risked a lot for me, and even to this day I am accepted and loved. My point is is that not all is lost, you all have a chance to-"

"They'll abandon and betray you." Reggie's soft voice made Remus turn around, the boy gazed at him with a haughtiness that was painfully reminiscent of Sirius. "They all do in the end. Don't listen to his bullshit, you'll just end up getting hurt. Anyway, dinners ready and then Greyback says we're to go initiate our new member when the moon rises. Come."

XXX

Sirius shifted, causing the sofa beneath him to groan. James' hands slid beneath the hem of his t-shirt, the tips were cold but Sirius pressed himself closer on instinct. Their kiss was slow and almost lazy as they took the time to reacquaint themselves with each others mouths. Sirius ran a hand up James' back, trailing more soft kisses over his jaw and making him sigh softly. "So, where's Evans?" He asked quietly, looking into James' eyes as they took a second to breath.

"She's with her dad, its his birthday." James replied, leaning in for another kiss. "Hmm...I missed you."

"Me too." Sirius sighed and let James deepen their kiss. Just as he reached down to unzip James' fly there was knock at the door, Sirius cursed into James' mouth and somehow managed to wriggle out from under him. "Bastard, whoever it is I'm going to curse them." He hissed vehemently while James quickly adjusted his glasses and sat back on the sofa as Sirius opened the door. "Who is-" Something hit him and he stumbled backwards, falling into the wall and hitting his head before sliding down it as something heavy landed in his lap. "Ow." Sirius winced before looking down at a seemingly unconscious Remus. "Moony?!" He gasped and began trying to roll his friend over, his fingers came into contact with something warm and wet, he drew away and stared down at the blood staining his hands, a shudder ripped through him and he looked over at James. "Help me, he's wounded." He gasped and James leapt from the sofa and ran to his side, together they got him up and somehow dragged him to his bedroom. When he was on the bed Sirius and James set to undressing him, they peeled away his tattered robes, wincing in sympathy as they revealed the severity of the wounds covering his already scarred flesh.

"Shit. What has he done to himself?" James hissed through his teeth as he and Sirius began bandaging what they could.

"I told him to let us go with him but he was too damned stubborn!" Sirius muttered angrily as he covered a wound on Remus' arm, causing their friend to groan and shift. "I think he's coming round." They waited as Remus opened his eyes, he blinked up at the ceiling a minute before finding Sirius and James sitting at his side, he managed a weak smile.

"How bad?" He croaked.

"Worse i've ever seen it." James replied with a little hint of anger beneath his voice.

"Not as bad as it could have been then." Remus replied and slowly attempted to sit up, Sirius put a hand on his chest and forced him back down again.

"You're staying here, we're going to get some potions and then you're going to take them and get some bloody sleep. Stupid arse." Sirius got up and left James with Remus.

Remus chuckled and lay back again but the sound was ragged and he covered his eyes with his uninjured arm as the memories of the previous night stirred in his mind. "Please, don't leave me." He muttered, despising the weakness in his voice, the slight tremble as his emotions overrode him and seeped out. James grabbed his hand and squeezed gently.

"We're not going anywhere, mate. That's a promise."

Remus said nothing as he gripped James' hand in return, he hated not being able to tell them what he had been through, he hated not being able to explain how horrible it had been to run with a pack who sought to deliberately harm innocent people. They couldn't know. They couldn't ever know or understand just what he was, just how truly monstrous he could be. He stifled the urge to sob and continued to lie there, squeezing James' hand and covering his face in shame.


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: I apologise for this taking so long but I attempted to write a best man speech...I failed and ended up stealing an example one from one of those wedding websites (with a few added extras of my own, of course). I'm sorry, I'm so crap at that sort of thing! Ugh. Anyway, forgive my transgressions and enjoy this chapter.**

Chapter Seventeen

Remus entered the small flat with a sigh, he looked around and spotted Sirius sitting on the sofa and reading a magazine while smoking a cigarette. His feet were on the coffee table and the sight irked Remus slightly but he shook his head and walked towards his flat mate. Sirius looked up with a grin, he was already wearing a dress shirt and smart trousers. "Hey." He said by way of greeting.

"Hi, where's James?" Remus asked, looking around.

"In the bathroom chucking up again, I'm surprised there's anything left in his stomach to chuck up but the human body is miraculous it seems."

"I see. When are we getting to the venue?"

"Hopefully about half ten, if James doesn't evacuate all his organs in between now and then that is. I'd hate to have to explain to Evans about the sad demise of her fiancé so soon before they get hitched."

Remus smiled a little before walking towards his bedroom door. "Make sure James gets his robes on properly, by the sounds of it he's in no fit state to dress himself."

"Of course, I intend to perform my Best Man duties and get the bastard to his wedding, even if I have to place him in a full body bind curse."

"Good." Remus closed the door of his bedroom on Sirius and began to get changed.

Not long after Remus had gone to get himself ready the door to the bathroom opened and James came out looking pale and slightly clammy. "Padfoot..." He groaned and leaned heavily against the door, Sirius watched him with some amusement for a moment before standing and helping James into a seat.

"Here, drink." He said and thrust a glass of whiskey into his friends hand. "It'll calm the nerves."

"Thanks." James mumbled and downed the drink in one before slumping into the sofa with a groan. "Tell Lily that I'm a coward and can't go through with this." He moaned and fell into Sirius' lap, burying his face into his thigh with a muffled whine. "I'm so scared I don't reckon i'll be able to even stand at the alter, let alone say the vows! Oh Merlin, Sirius, just kill me now!"

"Nah mate, I reckon i'd like to keep my balls where they are, Lily'd curse them off if she found out you'd turned chicken. Now get off of me and get up you arse, you have a future to get to." He pushed James off of his lap and onto the floor where he lay and whined petulantly, Sirius stared down at him with no pity in his face.

"You chose to do this, I'm not letting you back out now. Get up, get dressed and get your arse over to the venue. I have some calming potion so you don't piss yourself."

"Paaaaaadfoooot, we're supposed to be frieeeends!" James whined, Sirius sighed and dragged him up off the floor and into his room.

"We're more than friends you idiot, but that's neither here nor there at this moment in time. This day is about Lily, you got it? We don't matter. This is her big day and she will literally murder me in the most horrible of ways if I don't get you there on time now MOVE!" He shoved James to the bed and flung his dress robes at him, they fell over his head and James peered at Sirius from beneath them.

"I reckon I like this demanding side of you, Sirius."

Sirius smirked, leaned against the wall and lit another cigarette. "We can explore that later, after Lily's made an honest man out of you."

James snorted, lobbing a balled up pair of socks at Sirius who ducked smoothly, barely even ruffling his shirt.

XXX

"I feel sick!" James hissed, lifting a shaking hand slightly as if to run it through his already ruffled hair.

"No, you're going to be fine." Sirius replied just as softly, taking James' hand in his own and wrapping their fingers around each other, he squeezed once and smiled before letting go.

They were stood in a large ornamental garden, nearby was a fountain that added it's music to the soft mutters of the small crowd of friends and family. Sirius spotted Lily's parents sitting in the front row, her mother sobbing into her hanky while another family member patted her on the shoulder and beamed around at everyone. On James' side sat Remus and Peter where his parents would have sat, this sent a brief pang of pain to Sirius' heart before he pushed it aside, if there was such a thing as an after life, then he was certain Dorea and Charlus Potter would be watching.

James' fingers suddenly tightened on his, Sirius turned and looked as the bridesmaids appeared, Alice Longbottom, Marlene McKinnon and Mary McDonald, all wearing pale lilac and carrying small bouquets of forget-me-nots. James straightened as an explosion of notes seared the air from a piano nearby, every eye turned to watch as the bride began to make her way towards them on the arm of her beaming, bouncing father. Sirius' eyes widened and he felt James release his hand and take a sharp breath. Lily looked radiant, her smile was huge, her auburn hair glistened in the sunlight and shone gorgeous autumnal colours. Her ivory dress dragged over the crimson carpet that had been laid between the seating, she was a vision in lace and taffeta. Perched on her head was a tiny crown of white blossoms, obviously enchanted to stay put. Her hair had been curled so that it fell around her bare shoulders, brushing her white skin and at her throat was a necklace of pearls and silver. James made a strange choking noise in the back of his throat and Sirius turned to him, giving him a helpless, wide grin, James seemed unable to see anything but his wife to be.

As Lily reached their sides she paused and turned her smile upon Sirius before standing on tip-toe and pressing a soft kiss to the side of his mouth, he took her hands and squeezed them once. "You look..." He trailed off a moment as he raked her with his eyes. "Beautiful." He said with perfect sincerity, a blush crept onto her cheeks and she whispered her thanks before turning her eyes to James. Lily's father took his daughter's hand and one of James' before putting them one in the other. He stepped back, looking as if he were about to start crying before turning and finding his seat beside his sobbing wife.

The vows were exchanged, James and Lily held hands as they spoke, unable to help smiling like love-struck teenagers on their first date. Sirius watched and felt the enormity of the moment, it almost threatened to make him lose all dignity but he held on, he handed James the rings and watched as they exchanged them. He then stood back as the officiator finally announced that they were wed, Lily laughed out loud, she practically leapt into James' arms, sending him stumbling backwards a little. They kissed deeply, Lily's fingers tangled so thoroughly in James' hair that Sirius was certain it would hurt, James gripped his new wife hard, his smile obvious despite the fact that he was still kissing Lily. Just then there were a few loud bangs and people looked up, gasping in surprise as golden and crimson confetti began swirling and dancing in the air around the obliviously happy couple. It sparkled and flashed in the dying sun and people applauded loudly, Remus wolf whistling and looking happier than he had done in a long time.

XXX

Dinner that evening took place in a small hall, it was decorated in white linen and lilac accents. The Bride and Groom were introduced and took their places at the head of the table. Sirius sat down beside his best friend and listened to the room fill with chatter, finally, after food had been eaten and enough alcohol consumed that many people were tipsy, it was time for speeches. James stood up, tapping his glass with a silver spoon to gain the attention of his guests. He thanked them all for coming and spoke of how beautiful the bridesmaids looked, how Lily blew him away with her beauty and spent a little time describing their first date with a nostalgic smile. Finally it was Sirius' turn, he stood slowly, allowing people to calm themselves before speaking.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead… it's probably because you have just married James Potter.

To those of you who don't know me yet. My name is Sirius and I would like to thank James for finally confirming that I am actually the BEST man!

I've actually looked forward to this moment for a long time. It will be the first time I've been able to speak for five minutes in James' presence without being interrupted!

Now it's not that I'm saying that James is loud but he does seem to break a fundamental law of physics that light travels faster than sound…. because with James, you very definitely hear him before you see him.

It's great to see that everyone is enjoying the wedding today, but I have to say that being best man you get to see behind the scenes – and let me tell you it isn't pretty. Tears, hissy fits, chucking lipstick and mascara all over the place… luckily, I've heard that Lily was better behaved than the groom.

Looking around this packed room, it's surprising just how far some people are prepared to travel for a free lunch. It's a good job James didn't choose the menu, otherwise you would have been very disappointed to have come all this way for cheese sandwiches washed down with cheap booze.

Now I am supposed to use this opportunity to recall embarrassing moments to ridicule James. But I've been put under strict instructions not to mention the time when James lost a dare and had to fly around the Quidditch Pitch in the nude, or the time when he turned his own eyebrows pink in an attempt to make them more attractive..."

"Oi! Cut it out!" James poked Sirius in the ribs to the giggles from the crowd.

"Sorry, mate." Sirius winked at him before continuing. "The theme of this speech is 'why marry James Potter?' and, after knowing him all these years I have come to the conclusion that either Lily is suffering from temporary insanity or she has finally seen what a truly wonderful man James Potter truly is...I personally think its the former." More laughter broke through his speech and he paused to smile at everyone. "Seriously though James is more than my best friend, he is a brother. He cares more deeply about his friends than anyone I have ever known, his loyalty knows no bounds and he has always been there to pick up the pieces when one of us breaks." He cleared his throat and frowned down at the notes in his numb fingers. "I could go on forever about why James is the perfect embodiment of everything Gryffindor house stands for, or why he is the best friend and brother a guy could ask for but I think I'd end up boring everyone to sleep. So, for now I will say only this; words cannot describe how happy I am for you, Jamie...You glow when you're loved and there's not another person in this entire universe who makes you glow more brightly than the stunning woman at you side. Thank you for allowing me to be here today and for being my best friend." Sirius' voice cracked a little at the end but he managed to get it all out and finally sat down heavily, something touched his hand and he looked up into James' smiling eyes.

"Thanks, Padfoot." He whispered softly.

XXX

Sirius leaned against the bar, another drink clasped in one hand as he watched the happy couple dance. Lily's arms were wrapped firmly around James' neck, her face resting against his chest as they swirled gracefully in a circle, their smiles reflecting their perfect contentment. Sirius took a deep breath and downed his drink, he turned and picked up another from a waiter who stood behind the bar, looking mildly bored as he poured drinks. It took him a moment before he noticed that Remus and Peter were stood at his side, Sirius smiled at them both and realised he was a little drunk. "They're perfect together, aren't they?" He asked, unable to hide the bite of bitterness in his voice. Remus looked at him before reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.

"They are." He replied softly and Sirius leaned his head against him, his eyes following James as he spun his laughing wife around and the music flowed around the room, masking the pain in his heart.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Hullo my readers, I hope you like this chapter. Its not overly exciting but I kind of like the bits of interaction between Sirius and the others. Also a reintroduction of an old OC! :O Thank you all for your kind reviews!**

Chapter Eighteen

Over the next few days Sirius didn't see James or Lily, they were taking a few days off from the Order as a kind of Honey moon. He went to meetings alone, listening only half heartedly as Dumbledore gave them little more than bad news. He felt as if he were in a dark fog, the path beneath his feet that had once been so clear was barely visible. James was married now, Sirius doubted that he would have much time for him anymore, it was painful and his heart kept ripping itself in two every time he thought about it but he wouldn't lie to himself and he refused to come between James and his happiness. He took up missions, each one more dangerous than the next, he ignored Remus' concerned looks and Peter's confused questions. Every time he thought of James he was consumed by reckless daring, an urge to throw his life into greater danger. He tailed Death Eaters, he helped prevent assassination attempts, he volunteered for everything he could in a pointless attempt to assuage his broken heart. He taunted his opponents when he fought, he goaded them with harsh words and laughed when they failed to kill him. His lack of regard for his life caused Dumbledore and Mad-Eye to have words with him but he blew them off with casual indifference. His life was worthless, he was nothing without James.

Sirius somehow found himself alone, he had been running as fast as his legs could carry him and had simply assumed that Peter had been following him. He darted down an alley way and took a moment to regain his breath, the screams of the short but violent battle still rang in his ears and he closed his eyes against the burning in his chest. He hoped Peter was ok, he had no idea what had happened after the first explosion had decimated the road, killing several unwitting Muggles in the process. He froze as he heard footsteps, he spun around and lifted his wand, backing up until his back hit the wall, the alley was a dead end. He watched as a black robed figure came to an abrupt halt before him. A mad grin split Sirius' face, he flicked his wand and the Death Eater parried it, stumbling a little on the hem of his cloak.

"Wait! Wait!" He gasped, something in his voice made Sirius hesitate and a frown crease his brow. The Death Eater reached up and removed his mask slowly, he revealed a face Sirius knew well.

"Shit! _Dorian_?!" Sirius gasped in surprise.

Dorian smiled bitterly, glancing behind him before casting a silencing spell over the entrance to the alley. "I'm a afraid so." He said, taking another cautious step forward, his eyes raking Sirius hungrily. "Merlin, you've barely changed...still as handsome as ever."

"Is this really the time for compliments? I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be killing each other right now." Sirius replied. "I'm assuming you never took my advice?"

Dorian's smile turned bitter. "I couldn't. I was, ultimately, a coward. I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Yeah, well...bit late for that, isn't it?" Sirius' wand remained pointing at Dorian's chest, despite the fact that he had lowered his own. Again, Dorian moved closer until he was stood within touching distence.

"I have regretted everything since the moment I left school..."

"It's not too late, you know. Come with me, we can hide you and your family!"

Dorian laughed softly and took Sirius' face in one hand, he leaned down and kissed him on the lips. Sirius froze until Dorian had pulled away again. "It is too late for that...too late for everything. I lost you, I let you go when I should have held on. I should have fought for you but I didn't because James made you so happy..." He sighed heavily and drew away again. "My feelings for you never really changed, I still love you."

"You what?" Sirius stared at the man before him, confusion dominating him and making all thought nearly impossible. "Why? Why would you love someone like me?"

Dorian smiled. "Who wouldn't? Ask your James the same question and I'm sure he would have a better answer." Once again he glanced back over his shoulder, cocking his head to the side as if listening to something only he could hear. "They're coming. Listen to me, Sirius, you need to get out of here. There's a door over there," He pointed with his finger at a door Sirius had only just noticed. "Go through it and find an exit to the street over, I will cover you. Go!" He pulled Sirius to him and gave him one last kiss before pushing him towards the door. Sirius hesitated, glancing back to see Dorian don his mask again and straighten out his robes.

"Dorian, come with me!" He insisted, holding out his hand.

Dorian shook his head quickly. "Not now, Sirius. Perhaps we'll meet again. Now go before they come."

Sirius steeled himself before blasting open the door and running into the darkness beyond. He forced himself to ignore the sounds of shouting behind him and kept running, he finally found an exit and dived out into an empty street. He paused once more, looking back over his shoulder before sighing and stuffing his wand out of sight beneath his leather jacket. He walked away, trying to ignore the slight pang of guilt that tried to worm its way into his heart, Dorian was a Death Eater, he had likely murdered and tortured on Voldemorts orders, he was a bad person...but something inside him must still be the boy Sirius had known at school, after all he had let him go. But why? Why would Dorian let him go? It made little sense to Sirius, after all he had hurt him, he must have done so why? Sirius shook hair out of his eyes just as the heavens opened and rain began to spatter the pavement and dampen his hair, finally he ducked into another alley and checked for any signs of Muggles before removing his wand and spinning into darkness.

"Peter!" He gasped as he appeared at the arranged meeting place, he stumbled a little in his eagerness to get to his friend. He reached him and looked him over. "Thank Merlin you're not hurt! What happened?"

"I escaped as a rat." Peter replied and grinned a little. "I had to, I was cornered and they were going to kill me."

"I'm just glad you're ok, mate." Sirius patted Peter on the head and they began walking through the dense hedges that surrounded the apparition spot. "Guess who I bumped into?"

"Who?"

"Dorian."

"Oh that guy you were with in school?"

"Yeah, him. Turns out he became a Death Eater, despite my advice. The idiot." Sirius sighed and kicked at a nearby stone. "He saved me, I thought I'd had it but he let me escape."

"That's weird. Why?"

"No idea." Sirius said with a casual shrug, he had no interest in discussing Dorian's confession, sincere or not it disturbed him a little and he hated feeling guilty about anything.

"Guess he still likes you, huh? Either that or he did it because he was ordered to." Peter said conversationally. Sirius paused, causing Peter to look back at him. "What's wrong?"

"Ordered to? But why?"

"Dunno, you're close to Dumbledore aren't you? Maybe they want to track you somehow."

"I don't think he cast any spells..." Sirius said thoughtfully. "I'll get Moody to give me a look over, just in case."

"Better safe than sorry." Peter agreed.

"You idiot!" Moody growled furiously as he glared daggers at Sirius who sat in a chair and looked thoroughly disgruntled. "How could you let an enemy get that close to you?! Did you lose your brain back there? Merlin's beard boy you've got no sense, remember what I always say? Constant Vigilance! You could have led them right back to us, you're bloody lucky you've still got your head."

"I'm sorry, I didn't even know that a tracking spell could be placed like that!" Sirius snapped back irritably, a dull flush bruising his cheeks. "How does someone even find that out for Merlin's sake!"

"By actually reading, boy!"

Sirius folded his arms across his chest and huffed his fringe from his eyes, he crossed his legs and tapped his foot as he waited for Moody's lecture to end. "You shouldn't have come here, the place is now compromised, we have to find somewhere else! Next time think! Don't let some random bloke get that close, hex them before they even think about it! This is a war, you incompetent fool! People's lives are at stake!"

"You don't think I know that?" Sirius hissed back softly, slamming both his hands down upon the table before him. "I'm not as stupid as you think I am, the bloke in question is an old friend and, yeah, all right, I forgot myself for a moment but don't you dare assume that I'd deliberately place my friends in danger!"

"Deliberate or not, that is exactly what you did! So you don't care what happens to your own life but I refuse to stand by and watch as you put others at risk-"

"I'm going for a drink." Sirius stood up, ignoring Moody completely as he turned and stormed out the door. Just before it slammed behind him he heard Dumbledore speaking.

"Let him go for now, Alastor. I'm sure he feels regret over his mistake, give him time to think."

The door swung shut and Sirius kicked at an old can of soft drink, sending it clattering into the road. A car passed him, sending light spreading over Sirius' body before he was once again blanketed in cool darkness. "Bastard, doesn't understand..." He muttered furiously as he lit a cigarette and stalked off.

XXX

"You're home rather late."

Sirius muttered something incomprehensible as he shut the flat door behind him and threw himself down on the sofa, Remus watched him for a moment before smiling and pointing his wand at the kettle. "Tea?"

"Sounds good." Sirius replied with a heavy sigh.

"Did something happen?"

"Not much...Moody just spent an hour lecturing me." Sirius ran a hand through his damp hair distractedly. "And I had to walk home in the frigging rain."

"Why didn't you apparate?"

"I put anti-apparition Jinxes around the flat, along with some other powerful protection spells."

"I see. I didn't notice." Remus said softly, dropping tea bags into two mugs before adding the sugar to Sirius'.

"Well, you've hardly been here, have you?" Sirius replied bitterly, instantly regretting his manner when Remus looked up at him. Something dark flitted across his face before he covered it with a smile, Sirius thought he had imagined it.

"No, I apologise. I've been...busy. Here." He handed Sirius his tea and sat down at his side.

"Ugh, I'm sorry, Moony, I don't know what's wrong with me today!"

Remus smiled again, patting Sirius on the arm. "Don't worry about it, drink up."

"Thanks. I dunno what i'd do without you."

"Starve I suspect."

Sirius snorted into his tea and kicked Remus gently with one socked foot. "Fuck off."

"Or you'd end up getting sick because you can't tidy up after yourself." He eyed the dirty boots with disgust.

"You'd miss it if I was gone." Sirius replied with a smirk.

"Unfortunately that is true."

There was a pause as Sirius sipped his tea and sighed heavily as he relaxed. "I'm going to buy myself a motorbike." He muttered sleepily.

"What?" Remus gazed at him with a startled expression.

"Yeah, a huge bike...I'd like that much better than apparition."

"Have you gone insane?"

"Probably." Sirius yawned and finished his tea before sitting up. "I'm knackered, going to bed. Night, Moons." He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the top of Remus' head before walking away to his bedroom.

"Good night, Padfoot." Remus replied with a small smile.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Ok, this is where the story begins to take an AU turn. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, thank you.**

Chapter Nineteen

Sirius lay on his front, his head cushioned on his folded arms as he lay still, his eyes half-closed as James' long fingers dug deep into the tense flesh of his bare shoulders. "Mmm." He sighed, smiling a little as he felt the tension ease.

"Good?" James asked softly, smiling down at the back of Sirius' head from where he sat astride him.

"Yeah...a bit lower..."

James chuckled softly and moved his hands slowly down Sirius' bare back, his fingers needing the muscles. After a moment he paused, Sirius' eyes opened sleepily as he realised James' hands were no longer there before he felt lips replace them. A shudder ran down his spine, making his skin erupt into goose bumps. His lips parted and his tongue darted out to wet them as James kissed his way slowly up his spine and finally reaching his neck, gentle hands brushed hair away from the nape of his neck and Sirius' smile grew as James began running his tongue across his rapidly heating flesh. As James shifted into a more comfortable position he placed one hand on the bed by Sirius' head just as his eyes opened again, they landed upon the simple golden band that decorated his finger and something inside Sirius seemed to wither. "Jamie?" He began in a rough voice.

"Mm?"

"Stop it." Sirius shifted, causing James to slide off of him and allowing him to roll over to look at his friends confused face. "We can't..." He pushed a hand into his hair and averted his eyes, closing them to hide from James' well loved face. "We shouldn't be-"

"Shouldn't be what? Shagging? Sirius I've already told you Lily's ok with this, she knows and she doesn't care. Why are you trying to break it off now, after all this time?"

"Because I-I...I just...You're with _Lily_ now, Jamie! You're _married_ for crying out loud, you're going to move in together soon and then you'll start thinking about kids and I...I don't fit into that plan! You know I don't!"

"Of course you fit into that plan, Sirius! You're my best mate, my brother and lover...we can have it all, a family and a relationship, you know that my family is yours."

Sirius forced himself to look at James and knew instantly it was a mistake, he swallowed as pain flowed down his back, trailing frozen fingers over his skin. "It's a dream, Prongs. A stupid, childish dream. What kind of kid wants to be raised in an environment where his father's fucking his best mate whenever he can? It's not like we could keep it a secret from them. It has to end! I have to end it because I know you wont! Please, James, don't make this any harder than it already is!" Sirius voice cracked a little and he turned away, putting his bare back to James in an attempt to order his thoughts. Suddenly he felt the heat from James' body against his own, the soft rub of his cotton t-shirt and then those wonderful, oddly beautiful hands sliding over his chest and making his breath hitch dangerously. "Jamie..." He meant to say it firmly but his voice slipped from his lips in a sigh.

"Do you love me?" James whispered, nipping lightly at Sirius' ear lobe and taking hold of his shoulders to turn him so that they were face to face. He pressed his forehead against Sirius' and buried his hands deep into his luxurious hair. "Do you love me, Sirius?"

"I-I...You know I do!" Sirius replied, forcing his body to remain stiff even as James' lips brushed his and he yearned to give in, to kiss back.

"Then say it. Tell me you love me."

"Jamie...Please...I can't. Not now."

"You can." James' tongue teased Sirius' lips, his eyes sparkling behind his slightly wonky glasses. In that moment Sirius realised just how beautiful James Potter really was, it wasn't a physical thing, it was his courage, his faith, his innate loyalty and most of all it was his passion for the things he treasured. James Potter truly glowed when he was loved and Sirius took a deep breath, as if he were about to plunge himself into deep water. "I love you, James Potter." He whispered and revelled in James' smile as it lit the whole room before it was eclipsed by Sirius' own mouth.

"I love you too." James breathed, pulling away and running a hand gently through Sirius' hair. "More than you know. Which is exactly why I refuse to let you leave me, I know you better than you know yourself and I know that you're a selfish bastard really and all these protests are just a farce, what you really want is me and so I'm going not going to let you pretend to back out of this. We're in for the long haul so you may as well get comfy."

Through his uncertainty Sirius grinned wickedly, he tipped his head to the side and moved in for another kiss. "I'm also weak, Potter. So very, very weak." He muttered and dragged James into his lap, his hands finding James' denim clad bottom and gripping it tightly as he plunged his tongue into James' willing mouth. They moaned heavily as the sun began to set outside the window, they saw and heard nothing as the outside world ceased to exist until it was only the two of them, together, forever, exactly how it was meant to be.

XXX

"SIRIUS BEHIND YOU!"

Hard, well muscled arms grabbed him from behind. He struggled uselessly as his captor laughed into his ear, sending hot breath over his cheek and making him cringe. Sirius lifted his arm with difficulty and rammed his elbow into the man's gut, he heard a gasp and he was released. He landed on his feet and spun around, sending a jet of crimson light at the Death Eater and watching in satisfaction as he collapsed. He turned to James and gave him a brief thumbs up before turning around and searching for his next opponent, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he realised that they had defeated them. He relaxed as James and Lily, Peter and Remus walked over to him, James had a scratch on his face but it didn't appear to be serious, Peter's hair was standing on end and his teeth were chattering slightly, his eyes had a disturbing wild caste to them and they were darting around as if there were still enemies about to attack. Remus looked exhausted, his hair had more grey in it than ever but he was smiling weakly and Lily, apart from the fact that he dark red hair was a birds nest around her face, was unharmed. Sirius let himself relax, pushing his shirt sleeves up his arms and checking his face for wounds automatically. He found none and finally let a smile grace his face. "Well, that was well done, even if I do say so mysel-"

"GET DOWN!"

Sirius ducked but a second too late. He felt heat sear the left side of his body and cried out helplessly as his legs collapsed beneath him. Lily screamed from somewhere above him and he saw, through a haze of agony and smoke, her boots move past him at a run. He heard voices, voices that barely made any sense as pain throbbed through his left arm, his leg and his ribs. He groaned and felt cool hands on his face.

"He's burned but he'll live...who was that? Are they-?"

"Dead."

Sirius forced his eyes open and managed, with immense difficulty to climb to his feet. James helped him, his glasses were cracked and he stank of singed hair. Sirius saw Remus kneeling beside a body and he slowly limped over to him, attempting to crouch but falling to the ground instead. He gazed down at a masked figure, and felt a squirming sensation in his gut. Remus removed the mask and Sirius found himself gazing down into a familiar face. "D-Dorian?" He rasped, the world swimming as he saw the damage to Dorian's body. He had obviously thrown himself in front of whatever spell had been aimed at Sirius and taken the brunt of it. His mask had melted, his robes were ashes and his skin was blistered and black. Tears choked Sirius, his eyes burned savagely and he tried to stifle the suffocating feeling of grief as it rose up into his throat like puke. "He...he saved me..." He muttered, feeling strong arms wrap around his shoulders and attempt to get him back on his feet, he refused. He sat there stubbornly and stared down into Dorian's face as numbness crept into him.

"I missed them. They dissapparated before I could stun them." Lily was back, pushing hair from her eyes furiously and panting heavily. "Isn't that Dorian? The Hufflepuff from our year at school?"

"Yeah." James replied, looking up at his wife with a grim expression. "Come on, we need to get Sirius some medical attention."

"No." Sirius tried to push James away but James held on. "Can't leave him..."

"He's dead, there's nothing more we can do." Remus said gently.

"My fault." Sirius whispered, a single tear slipping free from his eye so that he lifted his good arm and wiped it away, angry at himself for such a display.

"This isn't your fault, Sirius." James said softly, gently urging Sirius to his feet, he went reluctantly, eyes still glued to the corpse of his one time lover.

"It is." Sirius replied, or at least he tried to. The world went grey and he swayed dangerously, his eyes rolled up into his head as pain shot through him like lightning and he collapsed, slipping into cool, welcoming darkness.

He awoke in his own bedroom, James sat by his bedside with a book in his hands and a cup of tea raised to his lips, when he realised Sirius was awake he turned and smiled. "Hi." He said and put down his tea, he leaned forward in his chair and began checking Sirius' wounds which were bandaged with clean white bandages. "Looks like Lily and Frank did an excellent job on your wounds, they're healing up fine and no scarring."

"Thanks." Sirius forced a smile but his eyes were dark, he could still see Dorian's face in his minds eye and he felt the heavy weight of guilt in his chest. James seemed to read his mind as he sighed heavily, he turned and picked up his own tea before thrusting it into Sirius' shaking hands. "You can't blame yourself for this, mate. You never made Dorian join the Death Eaters, in fact you even gave him a way out and he refused you. It was his idea to protect you, it was his own decision to do the things he did, don't take it to heart. I admit, I hate the idea that I owe him for saving your life."

Sirius shook his head and gazed down into the light brown liquid inside the mug, the warmth was friendly and comforting in his hands. "I should have done more, maybe if i'd-"

"There's nothing you could have done, stop dwelling on it. Drink up and get some rest, you need it." James smiled and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Sirius' lips before withdrawing and leaving the room. Sirius sighed shakily and drank some of his tea, still the memory of Dorian's face, pale and lifeless, would haunt him for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes as it hit him suddenly that this was real, it wasn't a game, they could all die. Their lives were so fragile, so precarious and they were throwing themselves deliberately into harms way. One day it could be Remus' face that haunted Sirius' nightmares, it could be Peter's or Lily's or- he gasped and almost spilt tea over his hands, his eyes flew open as he had a sickening image of James' lifeless body lying as Dorian's had done, glasses askew and eyes gazing blankly up at the unseen sky. A shudder ripped through him as terror, true terror, sank its claws into him. His stomach turned into knots and he fought hard to keep himself from throwing up. No. No James could not be allowed to die. If James died Sirius would too, he would wither away and cease to exist. He couldn't allow it to happen. Without James he was nothing. James was his very reason for existing, he was his whole universe, the idea of James dying was too terrifying to even comprehend. His eyes darkened as he gazed off into his room, they were blind to the posters he had put up on his walls, to the peeling wall paper and slightly battered furniture. All he saw was his world without James. A world of utter darkness.

XXX

He wasn't entirely sure he even had a plan until he found himself standing outside his old house in Grimmauld Place. He wore a cloak and had the hood pulled low over his face as he lurked in the shadows of the trees opposite, he watched the door and waited until he knew for certain that it was empty. Finally he plucked up the courage to step towards the old building and moved silently across the street until he was stood at the door, he stared at the snakes head knocker for a long time before swallowing hard and lifting a shaking hand, he tapped lightly against the wood of the door three times and watched it open upon the dark hall way. He slipped inside, not allowing himself time to consider what he was doing, he closed the door behind him and took a quiet breath, horribly aware of the portraits that slept soundly in their frames all along the hall. He pulled his emotions together and took a step further into the house, he needed to get to the library, he was certain that it was there that he would find what he needed. Sirius muffled his footsteps, wishing he had borrowed James' old cloak and wondering if he was doing something suicidal. He pushed all memories aside, even as they threatened to un-man him and forced himself to creep to the stairs, he didn't dare enter the kitchen, that was Kreacher's domain and he had no wish to alert the foul creature to his presence. He moved up the stairs, automatically avoiding those that creaked, his fingers slid over the familiar banister, he felt a dent in it and paused, his heart leapt into his mouth as screams echoed through his head. He flinched as memories of pain swooped down upon him like bats, finally he shook himself, reminding himself sternly that he had escaped. He was free. Again he began to ascend.

He found the library and vaguely noted how dusty it was, it had been immaculate when he had lived there but he didn't dwell on it as he began to search the book shelves. He couldn't allow himself to become distracted, it had taken him weeks to scout the place, to ensure that when he entered it would be empty. He had stood, hidden in shadows, as he had watched his mother come and go until he had memorised her patterns, he had briefly wondered where his father and brother were but again and brushed it aside because for now it was unimportant. Finally, after searching with increasing desperation he found the book he had been looking for, it was ancient and dusty and some of the letters had long ago worn off. It was a book he had briefly glanced at as a child, barely even registering it as he had realised what it contained and putting it hastily back on its shelf, wiping his hands against his robes in disgust. Now though he tucked it inside his robes, ensuring he covered its absence by moving the other books around it to cover the missing space. Finally he began to make his way out of the room and back down the stairs, on the landing below the library he paused and his eyes were drawn almost automatically towards his old bedroom, he saw that his name plaque was still there and felt an odd chill down his spine before his eyes moved to his brother's room. He shouldn't really be taking risks, he needed to go and return to his own flat, the one in which Remus now slept like the dead. But before he realised what he was doing his feet were taking him to his brother's room and he was pushing the door open, he gazed inside and was hit by intense nostalgia. It was almost exactly as it had been when he had left, except for that there were more photos and on the floor lay scattered robes. He frowned as he stared at them, that was odd, his brother had always been fastidiously neat, almost obsessive about it, why were his robes scattered over the floor as if someone had been trying to make a nest within them? Sirius moved further into the room and stared around, the pictures that had once stood proudly in their frames were still in their places, all except one which lay in the centre of the pile of robes, surrounded by splashes of molten wax from broken candle stubs. It was eerily like an alter and as Sirius inched closer he saw that the photo was one of Regulus himself, staring haughtily out of his silver frame as if everything around him was not worth his attention. Then a sound caught his attention, he froze for a second before turning and closing the door, he slid into Regulus' wardrobe and closed the doors so that only a sliver of light entered.

"Dead. Dead. Dead."

The voice was roughened by pain, but the deep bullfrog croak was painfully familiar. The door to Regulus' room opened and in came Kreacher holding another candle stub in one shaking hand, he had big fat tears sliding down his ugly face and his whole body seemed to vibrate with pain. "All gone. Master's all gone. Mistress is devastated, of course she is. But Kreacher can't tell her, no no. He was ordered not to. Ordered to keep his mouth shut. He will obey, but oh...oh my poor master! Poor, poor Regulus!" Kreacher burst into hysterical sobs, Sirius vaguely noted the golden locket that hung from around his neck but other than a brief glance promptly forgot all about it. "Dead! Dead and gone! Gone to join the others in the cold dark!"

It hit Sirius like a tonne of bricks, he barely saw Kreacher bend and begin to gather up the robes reverently, he was unable to see him as he took them from the room along with the photograph. He almost forgot where he was and why. Regulus was dead? How was that possible? What had happened while he had been gone? Finally he took a deep breath and forced his numb body to move, he left the room and crept downstairs, he could hear Kreacher still sobbing in the Kitchen as he moved through the shadows blindly and groped his way to the door, he opened it and left the old house elf alone with his grief.

When Sirius had returned to his flat, he sat up in bed and gazed down at the book in his trembling hands, his fingers absently stroked the letters on the front that proclaimed boldly; _Secrets of the Darkest Art. _Regulus was dead. He had gone the same way as Dorian. Why? What had happened? Who had killed him? Sirius took a slow breath and let it out, he buried the book deep in the sock draw of his chest of draws before returning to bed and curling up into a tight ball. That night he suffered from some of his worst nightmares and woke screaming into his pillow, fighting off hands that were as cold as ice and still hearing his brother's accusing voice ringing in his ears.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: Yeah, this is another sad chapter but I really don't write happy stuff. I try and fail each and every time. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter, despite its ups and downs. Thank you to all those still reading and reviewing. **

Chapter Twenty

Sirius withdrew from his friends for a while, he stopped going to Order meetings on the pretence of being ill and secluded himself away to read the book. He immersed himself in reading rather than confront the dark thoughts that hovered at the back of his mind when he thought of his brother, he refused to examine the hole that had been left behind when he had learnt of Regulus' death, it was better that he concentrate on trying to find a way to protect the living, now more than ever it was important to save James from death's greedy hands.

He sat on his bed, back hunched and read by candle light, half the time he was tempted to throw the book away in utter disgust. The spells and enchantments had the most awful diagrams depicting their effects and it made him sick to his stomach that someone could even contemplate doing some of them. It was a terrible, terrifying book but he still forced himself to continue reading, no matter how much it effected him. His nightmares became ever more frequent as his quest to find a way to protect his friend became ever more desperate. He knew the book had to hold something that would help, even the tiniest mention of how to help protect loved ones from death, or even ones self, perhaps such a spell could be amended to fit Sirius' purposes.

Finally, after a week of almost mind numbing terror he found what he was looking for, the word leapt out at him as the clock on his bedside table pronounced that it was midnight. Horcruxes. A way to make a person as immortal as it was possible to be. Sirius' eyes widened and he took a sharp breath before reading the chapter greedily, the spell needed several things, including a way to rip off a bit of soul. The way was to murder in cold blood. Sirius' heart sank and the book dropped from his fingers into his lap, he cursed softly and rubbed at his exhausted eyes. James would never, in a million years murder someone just because he could, it was one of the reasons Sirius loved him so much.

He stood up and stretched, yawning as he did so before moving quietly to the door of his bedroom and walking to the kitchen to make himself some tea. As the kettle boiled an idea came to him, an idea that sparked some of the same insane curiosity that had driven him to work so hard to become an Animagus, despite its obvious illegality and dangers. What if there was more than one way to split a soul? Was murder the only way to damage the soul beyond repair? Sirius thought on the issue long and hard as he added milk to his mug and stirred in a spoonful of sugar. Could Sirius possibly discover a new way to split the soul? If he did he would, perhaps, push magic further than anyone else he had ever known or heard of. The idea excited him too much, he knew that what he was considering was wrong on so many levels, he knew that if James were to ever find out their friendship would never be able to be repaired but he could no longer live in this constant state of terror. He couldn't continue to watch and wait as James put himself in harms way every day, and know that one day it would be his last. The only thing that mattered at that moment in time was that James live. James' life was far more important than Sirius' own, he would live and be happy and Sirius would share in that joy knowing his best friend was safe at last.

The next day Sirius was woken by someone banging insistently on his door, he groaned and tried to bury his head beneath his pillow but the door was kicked open mercilessly and he heard James' loud, obnoxious voice. "Right you lazy bastard! Time to get up! Up! Up! Up!" Sirius whined loudly in protest as the duvet was torn from his body and daylight assaulted his eyes, a headache began to pound behind his eyes and he muttered curses, blinking blearily as James leapt onto the bed and rolled him over onto his back.

"Fuck you James Potter and your disgusting morning person-ness." He groaned and made to grab the duvet again, James moved it away from his grasping fingers and grinned triumphantly.

"You're coming with me and getting out the house, it's a lovely day and Remus tells me he's barely seen you for a week. Up we get mate, get dressed and I'll make you eat some breakfast."

Sirius forced away the urge to smile and lifted himself up on his elbows, displaying his chest to full effect and landing a clumsy, sleepy kiss on James' lips. James grimaced and made a show of wiping his tongue. "Ugh! Brush your teeth too while you're at it, did a dog take a shit in your mouth?"

Sirius laughed, the first time he had done since he had witnessed Dorian's death, it took only a second for his laugh to change, his eyes burned suddenly and he yanked James into a tight embrace, breathing in his scent and tangling the fingers of one hand thoroughly in his jumper. "Jamie..." His voice cracked as walls he had thought he had built up fell with a resounding crash. He shivered and buried his face in James' neck, hiding away from the pain. "Regulus is dead." He choked and felt James tighten his grip on him.

"I'm sorry." James replied quietly, closing his eyes and sighing. "So that's why you've been hiding away? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I-I...I couldn't..." Sirius muttered, feeling traitorous tears threatening to fall, he gritted his teeth against the wave of guilty grief but the tide was too strong. "It's my fault! It's always my fault! If I hadn't left him there...if I had been nicer...or-or more like the person my parents wanted me to be, maybe...maybe I c-could have saved him b-but I was selfish! I left him there to be b-brainwashed and h-he's d-d-dead..."

"Sirius, listen to me," James pulled away and took hold of Sirius' face in his hands, he looked into his eyes with a determined frown. "None of it, not a single ounce of it, was your fault. Do you hear me? If you had stayed with your parents how long would it have been before you'd killed yourself? How many beatings, insults or whatever the hell else it was that you experienced in that place would it have taken to shatter you into a thousand pieces? Sirius, you saved yourself, you had to. Your brother would never have left with you and there's no way you could have forced him to. Do you understand?"

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and let James pull his head to his chest, he sighed heavily and took in James' scent in large, shuddery breaths. "He hated me to the bitter end." He whispered hoarsely.

"I don't think he did, at least, not totally." James replied, kissing the top of Sirius' head gently. Slowly Sirius opened his eyes and stared across his bedroom where his chest of draws held the book, he took another breath, this one much steadier than the previous one.

"I'm not letting anyone else I love die." He whispered, more to himself than anyone else as he gripped James' jumper tightly in one fist as if by holding on tightly enough he could prevent the inevitable death that was stalking every single living creature.

"Ok, well, Remus is making some breakfast, do you feel up to eating?" James asked, smiling as he looked down at Sirius who smiled weakly and sat up straight, releasing James with reluctance.

"Yeah, I could go for some food."

When Sirius had showered he was feeling marginally better, he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel over his head and one wrapped around his waist. He saw Remus in the kitchen cooking away and chatting merrily to James who was sprawled on the sofa with a magazine in his hands. Sirius took a moment to gaze at the scene before him, he absorbed every tiny detail, from James' laugh to Remus' inane chatter. It was a welcoming, beautiful moment and it was as if there was no war, it was as if they weren't soldiers, just three friends as they had been at school all those sunlit years ago. A smile stretched his lips and he walked forwards, alerting them to his presence as he sat down beside James, shoving his feet off of the sofa and snatching up his tea. "Hey! That's mine!"

"And now its mine." Sirius replied with a smirk, he took a sip and grimaced. "No sugar, I always forget you don't take sugar."

"I'm sweet enough." James took the tea from Sirius and pointed at the kitchen. "Yours is on the counter."

Remus appeared as if Sirius had summoned him and held out another steaming mug, which had a large black dog painted on the side. "I even put it in your favourite cup for you."

"Excellent, Moony. How would I ever live without you?" Sirius said and smiled his thanks as he took the tea and drank. "Perfect." He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the sofa.

"James told me." Remus said softly, moving to sit down beside Sirius and putting a hand on his knee. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I really am."

Sirius opened his eyes again as pain washed over him, obliterating the contentment he had been feeling. "Yeah...so am I."

"How did you find out?" James asked.

"I..." Sirius paused, unsure how much to tell them before settling on a half truth. "My mother. I went to see her...I know, it was stupid of me but I just...I dunno, I suppose I wanted answers. Kreacher told me Reg was dead and I left. It was pretty uneventful to be honest."

"Shit." James sighed and shook his head. "Do you know how he died?"

Sirius shook his head and drank some more tea. "No. I do know that he joined the Death Eaters, I don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to work that out. He was always so weak, unable...or more likely unwilling to go against the family."

"But...does that mean that one of us...?" James asked, his eyes wide as he realised there was a good chance someone on their side had killed Sirius' brother.

Sirius said nothing, he gazed at the ceiling and ran a hand through his damp hair, dislodging the towel so that it slipped to his bare shoulders. "I don't know...I can't help but wonder...what if I..."

Remus let out a shaky breath and stood up. "I'll go and make sure breakfast doesn't burn." He said and as he passed Sirius he put a hand on his head briefly. James moved closer to Sirius' side and took his hand, they sat that way in perfect silence until Remus let them know that the food was ready. The three of them ate slowly, each immersed in their own thoughts. Every one of them knew and understood that it could easily have been one of them that had killed Regulus, it would only have taken one misplaced spell, one horrible accident and his life would have been snuffed out. It was worse when they had no idea who they were fighting until they had a chance to unmask their opponents. Finally they finished and Remus put the plates into the sink, James waved his wand and they began cleaning themselves while Sirius went to get dressed. Finally he came out wearing muggle attire, he picked up his keys and a packet of cigarettes from the side board. "Come on, let's get out of here. I have something I want to do."

James smiled and followed him out, Remus tailing them automatically. They went to pick up Peter and Lily who was to be found at her parents house as she was gathering her things in preparation to move in with James. As James explained what had happened as they walked Sirius found himself barely listening, the day was warm and he could smell summer just around the corner. He was surrounded by his best friends in all the world and he felt that perhaps living wasn't so bad, not when he felt James move to his side and their fingers entwine. Not when Lily slid her arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder, not when Peter began regaling them with stories of his mad Uncle who was shut up in a secure ward in St. Mungos because he had used a charm that had backfired and was now totally nuts. Remus laughed warmly when Peter described, with actions, one of his Uncle's many escapades as he attempted escapes using elaborate and highly hilarious means. Sirius felt Lily chuckle and James released his hand to leap lightly up onto a low wall, the sun was warm on their backs and they found themselves forgetting somewhat about the darkness that haunted them with every step.

They walked until they found what Sirius had been looking for, he gently disengaged himself from Lily's arms and took a deep breath. Lily looked up and saw the large, ancient graveyard. James came to an abrupt halt as his eyes landed on something in the distance. "Sirius, is that...?"

"My mum." Sirius breathed, his hands tightening into fists at his sides. "I...I was going to go and...and..." His voice faltered and he took an uneasy step back as the woman who had birthed him turned her head towards the sounds of their voices. Everything seemed to go very still, a light breeze tugged at Sirius' hair as his eyes met his mother's, she looked older than he remembered and somehow diminished, as if all her loss had sapped her of her vitality. He swallowed hard and took a step forward, he felt James' hand land on his shoulder and lips brush his ear.

"Do you want me to come?"

"No. No I'll be fine. Just wait for me here." Sirius replied, equally as softly before striding forwards, projecting a confidence he did not feel. Walburga Black was stood before an old, decrepit monument, Sirius gazed up at it as he remembered coming here as a child for some relatives funeral rites. It was a plain looking thing, covered in lichen and so worn that the words on it could barely be read, yet he knew what they said. "Toujours Pur." He muttered as he reached his mother's side.

Walburga looked at him before returning her eyes to the monument, Sirius saw that there was a single, sad looking bouquet of flowers at the bottom. He took a shaky breath and removed his wand from his pocket, without speaking he conjured his own offering and let them fall beside that of his mothers. "Do not speak those words to me, traitor." Walburga whispered, her voice as full of venom as ever.

"I don't." Sirius replied quietly, eyes remaining fixed on the words that had haunted his childhood, the source of more pain than any child should ever know.

"He died a heroes death." Walburga said, her voice cracked and broken as the wind took hold of her greying hair and whisked it out of its rough bun. "A hero. My son. My little baby boy."

Sirius said nothing, he was used to hearing his parents speak of his brother with such adoration. "How did it happen?" He asked, his voice shaking a little despite himself.

"He just disappeared one day, we never even knew what became of his body." Walburga replied in a hard, cold voice.

"But...why?" Sirius finally looked at her properly, he felt his eyes sting with unshed tears but refused to let them fall in front of this woman.

"How would I know? No one told me. Not even Bella or Cissy or-or anyone! How could they not know?! He was such a good boy! He was so precious! How could they have let this happen? I thought they would protect him!" She began to weep loudly, Sirius held out a tissue for her automatically but she pushed him away. "I do not need pity from the likes of you!" She hissed with much of her usual viciousness.

Sirius returned the tissue to his pocket and lowered his head. "I'm sorry." He whispered, speaking more to the shade of his brother than the woman stood beside him.

"You should be more than sorry! You should be the one who is lying in some forgotten ditch somewhere! It should be you who is gone from this world not your innocent little brother. This is all your fault! If you had not turned into such an ungrateful child none of this would have happened!" Her voice rose until she was almost screaming, Sirius took it all with a blank face, much as he had done when he was younger. "Oh, my poor baby! My sweet little angel! He was a good boy, he did not deserve his fate!" She began to sob and Sirius watched her coldly, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He didn't feel sympathy, he didn't feel anything much, it was as if his brother's death had numbed him to emotion. "You should leave. Leave like you did when you were sixteen, leave and never, ever come back here! Regulus would be so ashamed to know that you were even here. He does not want your grief, or your pity! He knows it is your fault he died and he will never, ever forgive you! NOW GO! GO YOU USELESS, PATHETIC CHILD! I WISH I HAD NEVER GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU! YOU ARE A CURSE! NOTHING MORE THAN A WASTE OF AIR THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BROTHER'S!" She reached out and slapped Sirius hard across the face, he took a half step backwards and touched his burning cheek as Walburga screamed and sobbed. She fell to her knees and buried her face in her shaking, wrinkled hands. Sirius stared at her for a moment before turning and walking away, his breathing was harsh in his throat and he barely even saw his friends as they gathered at the gates of the graveyard. He stumbled a little on the small step as he exited and was caught by James. He buried his face in his neck and took deep breaths, his hands shaking violently as he choked on his grief and pain.

Remus watched quietly as James embraced Sirius, his eyes sad and understanding. Lily stood watching the woman who was Sirius' mother as certain things began to click into place, such as why he had run away when he was sixteen. She gently rolled her wand in her fingers until a hand closed on her wrist. "No need for that Evans." Sirius said in a rough voice and a weak smile. "She's got her punishment, all alone in that old house with no one for company except an old house elf. Let her rot there." He removed his hand and turned away from the graveyard. "I've just got one more place to go." He said and his friends followed him down the path.

The place turned out to be a muggle vehicle sellers. Everyone watched in numb fascination as Sirius paid a large sum of money for a large motorbike, when he walked up to his new purchase he was grinning like a mad man and had an insane glitter in his eyes as he ran his fingers over the twinkling handlebars. "This, lady and gentleman is my new baby."

"That's a Widow Maker." Lily whispered, smiling a little nervously. "Do you even know how to ride that thing?"

"How hard can it be?" Sirius flung his leg over the seat as the shop owner looked on with a doubtful expression. He flicked a switch and felt the bike come to life between his legs, excitement and pleasure shot down his spine as a grin split his face. "Oh yes, I think I'm in love!" He sighed over the noise of the engine, he revved the engine and giggled madly as it growled like a jungle cat. "Out the way I'm taking her for a spin!" He said and watched his friends scatter madly as he put the machine into gear and jumped jerkily forwards, after a second he managed to get the hang of it and began moving towards the road relatively smoothly. As he hit the tarmac he sped up, his friends watched with mouths half open as his tail light disappeared into the traffic.

"He's...he's going to die." Peter whispered, a hint of awe in his voice.

"Yeah, but I doubt he's too worried." James replied, grinning a little. "I hope he takes me out on that thing when he's got the hang of it!"

"There's a very good reason people call it a Widow Maker, James." Lily replied, smiling despite her reservations about her new husband taking a ride on the back of that monstrosity.

"He'll be fine. He's reckless but I suspect he knows more than he's letting on about motorbikes." Remus assured them all, but still he looked a little worried.

"Let's go get some food, Sirius will find us." James said, flinging his arm around Lily's shoulders and pulling her to his side for a brief kiss.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: Hullo, I do hope I haven't kept you waiting for too long here. I haven't been too well lately and so haven't had much compulsion to write, but now I'm feeling better and have written a chapter for you. This is, mostly, just an excuse for me to write a sort of flirty, banter-y scene between Lily and James as well as put Sirius in a pair of seventies speedos! Lol. So yeah, just imagination porn really. Enjoy.**

Chapter twenty-one

It was hot. Too hot. Sirius sat on his knees before his bike, his hair tied roughly back from his face and wearing a thin white vest and blue flared jeans with several holes in the knees. He was covered in dark smudges of oil, even a large smear on one cheek, but he was concentrating too hard to notice as he once again lifted one arm and wiped sweat from his brow. He had his wand in one hand and a wrench in the other as he whistled quietly to himself, unaware that he was being watched by James and Remus.

"He seems all right." James said with a small frown.

"Seems it, but something tells me there's something wrong none the less. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about us all." Remus replied as Sirius pointed his wand at his bike and muttered something under his breath, there was a loud bang and copious amounts of black smoke began to issue from the bike which trembled before falling over as if shot. Sirius' cursing reached the two friends even from where they stood, James smiled. "Should he be doing that?"

"I dunno. He won't even tell me what he's trying to do and to be honest, I'm afraid to ask."

"He's told me that it's a surprise." Remus said with a grimmace, "If the ministry find out..." He didn't bother finishing the sentence, they all knew that tampering with Muggle inventions was a no no in the eyes of the law.

"Ah, he'll be fine. He's good at getting away with stuff."

"True." Remus' mind wondered back to the time that Sirius had led Severus Snape to what could have been his untimely death but pushed it aside, Sirius had been sixteen, a child really. Everyone did stupid stuff as a kid. Yet still there was a tiny trace of bitterness that left a bad taste in his mouth, perhaps he hadn't totally forgiven Sirius for this infraction after all.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Hm?"

"You've got that frown you get when you're pondering something deep." James shrugged and hefted himself up onto a nearby wall, he shaded his eyes against the glare of the sun and looked up at the cloudless blue sky. "We're mates, have been for years, you can't hide anything from me."

Remus smiled, a genuinely happy smile that reached his eyes. "That's true, I couldn't even hide the fact that I turned into a monster once a month from you."

"Nope. I have the eyes of a hawk and can sense when one of my friends is hiding stuff. So, out with it Mr. Moony, Mr. Prongs would like to get on with his day without you moping around."

Remus laughed softly and looked down at the pavement as he kicked at a little stone, sending it skittering off into a nearby drain. "I'm just...worried." He repeated. "About you, about Lily but mostly...mostly about Sirius. He's been acting strange ever since he heard of his brother's death. I don't know, I just feel like he's hiding something from us, and its not a good thing."

James sighed heavily and moved his eyes to his best friend who was now muttering a string of complicated spells at his bike which was juddering a little as it glowed a ruddy red. "It can't be too bad, this is Sirius we're talking about here. He's loyal, he'd never go dark side."

Remus clenched his teeth on a retort, James' blind trust in his friends was simultaneously endearing and frustrating and he knew any kind of argument he might make James would laugh off easily. "Yes, I suppose so." He said instead, knowing in his heart that trust in someone that deep could get you into trouble. Hadn't he, after all, been on the receiving end of Sirius' darker nature?

"I think that a trip would do us the world of good." James said suddenly, making Remus jump a little, he hadn't even noticed James had still been talking.

"What?"

"I said; we need a trip. We should all just get out of London, go somewhere together as a group and just...just be normal teenagers for a while. Even if its only a weekend. This war...it's forced us to all grow up too fast." He gazed down at his left hand and twisted his wedding ring around it absently with an unusually thoughtful frown on his face. "Perhaps we need some time to ourselves, i'll ask Dumbledore, he'll let us, i'm sure of it."

Remus' eyes drifted back to Sirius who had disappeared beneath his bike so that only his legs were visible. "I think that might be a very good idea." He said softly.

XXX

"A trip? Now? But I can't just leave! Artemis needs me!" Sirius exclaimed loudly.

"Who on earth is Artemis?" Lily asked curiously.

"She's the Goddess of the Hunt, from Greek mythology." Sirius said proudly, grinning.

"But if she's mythological-"

"It's his bike, Lil's. He's named his frigging bike." James sighed.

"Oh. I see."

"She's nearly ready for her first test drive, can't we put it off?" Sirius turned large, pleading eyes to James who glared at him stubbornly.

"No. We need this. It's important, and Dumbledore agrees with me, that we re-establish bonds and just go back to being teenagers again. Come on, man, don't make me knock you out and drag you!"

Sirius finally slumped. "All right, fine. But if Artemis is rusty when I get back I will kill you." He muttered darkly and James smiled triumphantly.

XXX

The wind picked up Sirius' hair and whipped it around his face, he cupped a hand around his cigarette and bent his head as he lit a match and tried to put keep the end burning. Muggles bustled around him, sometimes accidentally bumping into him and pushing him against the railing he stood before. Ahead of him stretched a beautiful sandy beach, beyond that was the sea. It was chilly, despite the bright sunlight yet still he could see children on the beach building sand castles and running around laughing, their parents watched them from deck chairs with cold drinks in hand. He smiled a little as he finally got his cigarette lit and took a deep drag, letting the smoke slide from his lips in a grey cloud.

"Oi! Move it!"

"Oh, sorry!"

Sirius turned to find Peter running towards him, his face red and sweat running down his temples. His faded blue t-shit was slightly damp at the arm pits and he looked panicked. "Hey, Wormy. You're late."

"I know! I apparated a mile out of our agreed location and got a bit lost, got a lift from some muggle and ran the rest of the way." He panted, leaning over and catching his breath, Sirius laughed softly and patted him on the back.

"No worries, Lily and James have gone off to find us a place to stay the night and Remus is getting me ice cream."

"C-cool." Peter smiled weakly as he straightened, Sirius noted that his hair was thinning badly, he wasn't even twenty yet. "So, this is Dawlish?"

"Yeah, Lily said her parents used to bring her here most summer holidays when she was younger, so she thought it would be a good place for us to relax. It's kind of nice here."

"My mum came here once, it's where she met Dad." Peter said with a sigh.

"I never got to go on holiday." Sirius muttered, mostly to himself as he frowned at the memories of their 'family holidays'. "Or at least... not like this. It was always visiting relatives, I was forced to stay in dingy old mansions, listening to my parents and distant family talk about boring shit I never had any interest in." He sighed and made himself smile. "But, this isn't about the past. Let's enjoy what we've got, yeah?"

"Yeah."

XXX

Broad shoulders, skin dripping with water, hair plastered to his face which had a large, cheeky grin on it, he was stood in the water up to his knees and was splashing Remus mercislessly while the latter laughed. James swallowed the lump in his throat from where he sat in one of the deck chairs beside his wife who was reading a popular muggle magazine and slowly making her way through a strawberry ice cream. Lily looked over at James and smirked, she leaned over and put her fingers under his jaw, firmly shutting his open mouth. "You're gaping, James. You look like an idiot." She laughed softly and adjusted her large sunglasses, the brim of her floppy hat came down to obscure her eyes momentarily until James leaned in and captured her mouth with his, he tasted the ice cream on her lips and drew away licking his own. "Hmm, if this is what having Sirius around does to your libido, I may have to invite him over more often. Or is it the speedos that's doing it?"

"Speedos and bikinis." James replied roughly, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. "Merlin, I should have suggested somewhere that involved more clothing, I don't know how much more I can take this." Lily laughed lightly and lapped at her ice cream like a kitten, smirking as she did so. "You're as bad as Sirius, you're both terrible teases."

"Or maybe you're just perverted."

"That's cruel, Lily. I am hurt that you have such a low opinion of me."

"You're getting turned on in public, my opinion is based upon fact."

"Can you two stop it? I am sat right next to you." Peter gave them both desperate, pleading looks that made them both giggle. He was still wearing his blue t-shirt that he had arrived in, along with a pair of shorts.

"Aren't you getting in the water you lot?" Sirius called over, pushing wet hair from his brilliant eyes and smiling like a serpent. "It's perfectly warm."

"No it's not. This is Britain, the sea is as cold as ice." James retorted. "I'm fine sat here, thank you very much."

"And burning like a vampire." Sirius laughed, walking towards them and bending to pick up his towel. "Look at you, you look like a lobster."

"I do not."

"Put some sun cream on, at least." Lily tossed James a bottle which he caught smoothly, he looked at it suspiciously. "It's not poison. Muggles use it all the time."

"What is it? Some sort of potion?" Sirius asked, bending and inspecting the bottle in fascination.

"Something like that. It forms a barrier between your skin and the sun, preventing it from harming you."

"Oooh, cool. I refuse to turn into an overcooked lobster like our Jamie over there."

Lily took the bottle from James and beckoned Sirius over. "Come here, i'll put it on you." She squirted some into her hands and Sirius stood still as she applied the lotion, James watched avidly until Sirius' sharp eyes caught him. "Pervert." Lily whispered and smirked when James went crimson.

XXX

Sirius pulled on his jacket, his movements woke James who gazed blearily at him from where he lay on the only double bed with Lily wrapped firmly in his arms. "Hey, man, where are you going?" He asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes and blinking.

"Out. I need a drink." Sirius put a cigarette between his lips and lit it before moving to the door, being sure to step over Remus and Peter who were sprawled inelegantly over the floor.

"What time is it?"

"Pub time, Jamie." Sirius sent him a grin over his shoulder and flashed him a devious wink. "I'm a big boy now, I can look after myself. You go back to sleep." He showed James his wand that was stashed in an inside pocket of his jacket and saw James nod as his concerns were relieved.

"It'll be last orders soon, you don't have long."

"I'm not going to a muggle bar, Jamie." Sirius laughed softly. "I'll be back before dawn, I promise."

"K." Sirius moved back towards James who lifted himself up on one elbow, their lips brushed each other in a light kiss and James collapsed back onto the bed and snuggled back against his wife. "Be careful."

"I always am."

James snorted but said nothing more as Sirius snuck out of the room and left the small muggle hotel they were staying in. The night was cool and smelt of the salty sea, people were just coming out of the pubs along his way and were stumbling drunkenly as they went, laughter echoed over the road and Sirius tucked one hand in his pocket as he made his way towards a bar he had only heard mentioned by other wizards. Like the Leaky cauldron it was hidden from muggle eyes, but unlike the famous bar in London it didn't have a very good reputation. It was a dive, as some people said, and allowed all kinds of riff raff through its doors. Sirius didn't care, all he wanted was some time to drink and think over his problems, the smallest being how to get a muggle motorcycle to fly. Street lights flickered as he drew closer to the location of the bar, it sat on the sea front, its windows dirty and half boarded up like an abandoned hotel, Sirius could feel the faint tingle of the magic surrounding the place and stepped up to the door which had a large sign plastered across it; 'CONDEMNED'. He smirked and put his hand on it, the sign melted away and he stepped through the seemingly solid door into a large, dimly lit room. It wasn't particularly busy but the patrons didn't appear to be very friendly. He felt the immediate animosity of their gazes like daggers in his back as he strode across the dusty floor to the bar, he leaned on it and puffed on his cigarette before stubbing it out in an over flowing ash tray. "Firewhiskey." He said quietly to the surly bar man who sighed and turned to get him his drink.

He sat at the bar and sipped his drink with a sigh, the day had been almost surreal in its simple happiness. He had not felt so content since he had been at school, it had been nice to get out of his own head for a while and just be himself. Still, he could not completely shake the fear that plagued him, it was an ever present ghoul, crouching in the corner of his mind and waiting to jump him when he least expected it. He drank and mused on his dark thoughts until he felt a hand brush his shoulder, he looked up to find a man smiling at him.

"What is it you're drinking?" He asked quietly, leaning on the bar and scanning Sirius with his eyes. Sirius wasn't stupid, he knew the look in his face.

"Er..." He paused, was he going to turn this man down? Was it wrong for him to have lovers other than James? After all, James had Lily, surely he wouldn't begrudge Sirius one night with a stranger. Something inside Sirius squirmed, did he want to? Was he really willing to let some other man touch him when it should be James' hands on his body? But a part of him did want it. The idea excited him in a strange, reckless way. Going home with a stranger, fucking in some disgusting old hotel and then parting ways forever, it sounded like some erotic fantasy novel. Sirius hesitated again, unsure if he should accept the man's offer. It was only a drink, perhaps he was reading too much into it. He smiled and nodded. "Firewhiskey." He said again and the man's face brightened, he was very attractive, with a sharp jaw and bright blue eyes and dark brown hair.

"Excellent." The man swept his eyes over Sirius once again before turning to the bar man and ordering another round. Guilt and excitement warred within Sirius, he didn't know how far he was willing to take this but perhaps a few free drinks would just be it, maybe the man would be very boring or have some other terrible quality to him that would put Sirius off, a part of him hoped so.

As the pair of them got talking Sirius realised that the man, whose name was Angus Bainbridge, a freelance Alchemist working for the guild in the area on some job he didn't go into detail about. He was funny and interesting and only three years older than Sirius himself, he found himself unwillingly laughing so hard his sides ached. He let the man talk about himself far more than Sirius spoke about his own life but he didn't seem to mind the casual deflections Sirius had become so good at. Finally the man stood up, swaying a little as he looked down at Sirius. "You're cute." He said bluntly, smiling drunkenly. "Do you wanna come to my place?"

Sirius felt his heart skip in his chest, again he hesitated. What would James do? Where did he stand in this unusual relationship? Was he allowed lovers on the side? If not, how would James react to his promiscuity? He was incredibly horny, he hadn't had sex for ages, because James refused to do it when Lily was around for fear of hurting her feelings. Sirius understood, he usually made do with his hand but tonight was different. Slowly he stood, his legs unsteady despite the fact that he hadn't had a huge amount to drink. He picked up his coat and slid it on, smiling as he did so and allowing his fringe to fall into his eyes as he cocked his head to the side. Something occurred to him as he let Angus lead him from the pub by the hand, if this did hurt James, how badly would it hurt him? Would it hurt him enough to, perhaps, shatter his soul? Sirius knew that if he was in an exclusive relationship with James he would have been devastated if James had cheated on him, he wasn't sure if he could even forgive such a transgression. Perhaps this was it. Perhaps this was how he could finally protect James from death? There was only one way to find out.


End file.
